


Runaway

by MrsHoot_Hoot26



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Feels, Finding Strength, Opening Up, Overcoming Fear, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:53:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 45,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27761818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHoot_Hoot26/pseuds/MrsHoot_Hoot26
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, AND MENTIONINGS OF SELF-HARM AND ANGST. IF THIS TRIGGERS YOU OR IF YOU THINK IT MAY, PLEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEEEEE DO NOT READ IT!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE LOVELY AND WONDERFUL AND I WOULD REALLY HATE IT IF MY STORY TRIGGERS YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT I KNOW YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO OVERCOME. PLEASE THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST!!!!!!!He had made a mistake.He knew this.He had known it from the moment he had given in and now the weight of his decision, of his moment of weakness, was something he had to feel every day. Because no matter how old he got, how much he grew, he would never be able to fix this.His innocence was gone.From now on he would only be an imitation of his former self, an empty shell representing absolutely nothing.And yet…He would give anything to go backThis story is about the bromance between Hinata and Tsukishima and is partly based on my own experience/stories from others. I just wanted to put my/our truth out there, since there is this stigma around self-harm and depression, and even though this may not make sense to everyone, I hope that it helps someone realise that you are definitely not alone in this.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, TsukkiHina (bromance)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Again, please do not read if you have even the slightest doubt if this will trigger you... I beg of you.

His knees trembled as he walked to morning practice. He was aware of the puffed balloon in his chest that forbid him to inhale the air he needed to breathe and his stomach growled, but he knew that everything he would eat now, would follow his breakfast down the toilet later. For as far as he could remember, he had never been this nervous- not on his first day of school, not when they had their first match against Aoba Johsai and not even at his first high school volleyball tournament.

However, those days had all be different.

_He had been different._

Even though it had far from felt like it, back then he had been with a whole team to back him up and to laugh at him when he messed up. Right now, a line had been drawn between them and he was the only one forming the opposite side. He could be standing right next to them, he could even be drawn into the team circle by Yamaguchi or Kageyama, but at that same time he would be miles away from them. And the worst thing was that he had been the one to draw the line.  
Literally.

He was forced to pay attention to something other than this endless cycle of thoughts when he suddenly bumped into something.

‘Oi.’

Kageyama’s whole face looked annoyed, at least more than usual. Most people wouldn’t see the difference and say he always looked like he’d want to shoot you, but over the past year, Hinata had learned to distinguish most of his facial expressions. Like when he had to choose between milk and yogurt, he would squint his right eye and when he didn’t understand their homework (which was most of the time) he would bite the left corner of his mouth. They were small clues, but they were definitely there.  
Right now his eyebrows made his eyes twice as small, which could only mean one thing.

  
_Why did you do that to yourself? Are you fucking stupid? I mean, of course you are. You are so fucking worthless and this only proves the point._

‘HINATA BOKE!’

‘W-what?’ he stammered, trying to convince himself that the King did not know.

‘Why did you not stop when I called? That’s cheating.’

‘I’m sorry. I was just thinking.’

Kageyama snorted.

‘As if you could do that without a brain.’

‘You’re one to talk. I beat you in maths,’ said Hinata, while he gathered every ounce of strength he had to push away the thoughts that tried to drag him to the ground. He had to be strong now.

‘That doesn’t count. We both still failed.’

‘Well, then I make this count.’

And before Kageyama could give any form of protest, Hinata took off as fast as his two bags allowed him to. Behind him, he heard Kageyama scream and that made him smile. At least he could pretend like he was one of them. Even if it was only for a moment.  
He sprinted to the clubroom and like always, his feet did not betray him. Whenever he was the one with the head start, no one could keep up, not even Kageyama. Many tried; everyone had failed.  
It felt nice to run. He could scream his lungs out and because Kageyama was right behind him, he didn’t think anyone would see it as his way to get rid of the knot in his chest. It was the best working remedy with the perfect cover.

He blasted the door of the clubroom open and because Kageyama was not quick enough to stop himself, they both fell face forward inside. Hinata laughed.  
‘I won.’

‘You cheated,’ growled Kageyama, after which he got up, and like every time they had both landed on the ground, he reached out his hand to help him up.

This time however, there was not a single bone in Hinata’s body that wanted to accept this gesture. He knew what reaching out would mean and he was not going to take that risk. There were so many things that could go wrong.  
It would be safer to get up on his own.

‘Hello, hello, everyone!’

It was almost too perfect to be true. Exactly at the moment that Kageyama would have noticed something was going on, Tanaka-san, Sugawara-san, and Daichi-san walked in, and automatically Kageyama withdrew his hand. Hinata wasn’t even surprised. Kageyama wasn’t really someone to show off his connections with others and Hinata had always known that. When they were with just the two of them, he could be sort of decent by giving him a helping hand or a fist bump after their quick hit the target ten times in a row (there was even this one time Kageyama had smiled!) but when they were in public, he was very distant and the only physical contact he made was by shoving or slapping him. The number of insults also increased when there were people around.  
Hinata had never minded. If all, it would make him even more motivated to train and to become stronger. He still had a long way to go and there was no way that he would let that milksucking-King win.

While the second and third years made their way to the lockers and everyone exchanged greetings, Hinata scrambled to his feet and put his bags on the bench. The first-year lockers were opposite to those of the second and third years, so Kageyama dropped his bag beside him.  
He didn’t say a word.

‘I’ll explain to the rest when training starts,’ started Daichi, after he had taken off his coat.

‘You want to tell them now?’ said Sugawara and Daichi nodded. Sugawara was probably the only one with the power to interrupt the captain, thought Hinata, while he very self-consciously untied his shoelaces. Normally he wouldn’t even bother, but now he felt like he needed to take as much time as possible.

‘As you know we have a practice match at the end of the week with Johzenji High.’

‘Also know as the party team,’ added Tanaka, which resulted in him receiving two warning looks.  
Daichi was the last one to look away.

‘Yes,’ he continued. ‘It is a good opportunity to see the rest of you shine. We third years are required to attend a meeting about our life next year and that’s why I thought it would be a good idea to let you all do the same. Suga and I already discussed this with Coach and he is in on it too. Ennoshita will be the substitute captain, so I expect you all to behave. Especially you, Tanaka.’

‘Why me?’ said Tanaka with a voice so exaggerated that not much explaining was needed.

‘Will you not be there at all?’ asked Kageyama from under the jumper he tried to pull over his head. He finally succeeded and looked at Daichi with his I-am-not-really-interested-but-I-need-all-the-information-I-can-get-to-get-a-sense-of-our-chances face. Thinking back at the last time they had played against Johzenji High and Kageyama blocking a dump with his face, was really satisfying.

‘Aw, isn’t he the sweetest?’ And from the smile on Sugawara’s face, Hinata knew he had to restrain himself from pinching Kageyama’s cheeks.  
Daichi laughed.

‘No, it will be all second and first years. Although, I asked Yachi to make notes if she can, so we will be able to practice any shortcomings.’

‘Speaking of, where are the others?’ Hinata asked. Because Tanaka lived closest to school, he was mostly the last one to arrive and that’s why it was strange that they were still with five in the clubroom. ~~He had hoped for more distractions.~~ He took off both of his shoes and placed his coat carefully in his locker.

‘Already in the gym,’ said Sugawara. ‘Asahi, Yamaguchi, and Kinoshita wanted to practice serving. Narita, Ennoshita, and Nishinoya wanted to work on their receiving.’

‘I’m sorry I’m late.’

The room to the clubroom opened again and Tsukishima made a little bow before entering. He was greeted enthusiastically by Daichi and Sugawara and received some murmur from Tanaka.  
Hinata sighed within himself. He would have given a lot for anyone else to sit beside him. He knew Tsukishima probably felt the same and yet, he could not help the feeling of Tsukishima’s glasses being a magnifying glass through which he would take in every little movement Hinata made, like how he took in all the information needed to deliver a perfect block.

‘Since the others are already at the gym, you didn’t actually win.’ Kageyama was now taking off his trousers.

Glad to have an excuse to postpone the moment that would inevitably come, Hinata looked up.  
‘No, I beat you. That’s what matters.’

‘Of course not, Boke. You weren’t the first one here, so you didn’t win.’

‘But that would mean none of us would ever win because there had always been people there before us.’

‘Not on the same day,’ sighed Kageyama in a way that made it very clear that he didn’t understand why Hinata wouldn’t just accept that he lost. He rolled his eyes and Tsukishima growled in frustration.

‘Can somebody please give these morons an extra brain cell?’

‘Oh, don’t have any to spare?’ fired Kageyama back at him and if it wasn’t for Daichi clearing his throat, Hinata was sure the both of them would have ended up strangling each other.

‘Let's go,’ he said with a facial expression that made it very clear that he wouldn’t have any of this right now.

Sugawara pushed Kageyama and a laughing Tanaka to the door and while Daichi took over and took the two outside, he looked back at Hinata and Tsukishima.  
‘Hurry up, you two. We will start in a few minutes.’

Tsukishima nodded.

‘Wait, I’m almost done,’ Hinata said and quickly he pulled down his pants and took his gym shoes out of his back. He threw his pants in his locker and walked over to Sugawara, who looked at him. Since Hinata was still very on edge he noticed the doubtful look in his eyes, but when he looked down, he was relieved to see that he hadn’t been about to walk out the clubroom in his underwear.  
‘You do know you’re still wearing your sweater right?’

As an exploding bomb, Hinata felt the panic rise up and course through every inch of his body and he was aware of his heart beating faster than it ever had before. He wondered if it would be possible for it to explode simply by beating too fast.

At that moment it didn’t seem like an impossible course of action.  
He forced his mouth into a big smile.

‘I’m just a bit cold.’

‘But your head is as red as a tomato.’

‘Well, I think I might have caught a cold.’

Please stop asking questions.  
Please just see me as that weird energetic shrimp like you all do and don’t question my actions, because I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I think I might burst any second. I don’t know how to tell you and I don’t know why.  
Please just shrug it off.  
Please help me. _I’m so fucking scared._

Against all his expectations, Sugawara smiled.  
‘It’s good to see that you know how to take care of yourself. I think a few second years can even take some notice of that.’

If only you knew…

‘If he knew how to take care of himself, he wouldn’t have caught a cold in the first place.’

‘Everyone will catch a cold at some point in time, Tsukishima,’ Sugawara laughed. ‘No matter how well you take care of yourself. What defines us, is how we respond to this and I think Hinata handled that very well. Just don’t push yourself too much today, okay? They will need you on Friday.’

‘Yes!’ Hinata said loudly and before Tsukishima could give him another lecture on how dumb he was, he followed his senpai outside.

I’m sorry, Sugawara-san.  
I’m sorry for lying and I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused and for all the trouble I will cause.  
I’m just really sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is probably the most detailed description I will do. Don't worry, I do not plan to describe the actions, only what leads to them and the aftermath. But again, do not read it if you think it will trigger you!!!  
> By the way, no, English is not my first language, so my apologies for any mistakes :)

The whole training Hinata could feel the eyes of his teammates staring at him since he was the only one not in their regular sportswear. He was the odd one out and now it was visible for all of them.  
However, none of them said anything and that’s why Hinata tried to act as normal as possible. He screamed at Kageyama calling for as many tosses as possible, he cheered up Yamaguchi after his third failed service and he laughed with Yachi when he saved her from a ball accidentally aimed at her head. His arms hurt from receiving and he was terrified of every ball that came his way, but he pushed the fear aside. No one could know. He had made it this far, so he would make it even further.

  
Halfway in, Coach Ukai asked him if he wasn’t getting too hot, but after he explained his lie, he was praised again for making this decision. This fuelled his guilt even more and yet he knew he had no other choice and that this was the best decision he could make for everyone.

In the end, he lingered during the clean-up, so he would be the last one to arrive in the clubroom and he could ask Daichi if he could be the one to lock up. Fortunately, this was no problem at all and even though Kageyama called him a ‘boke’ for being so slow, he let out a relieved sigh when Kinoshita and Yamaguchi were the last ones to leave the clubroom.

For a few minutes he sat in silence and he listened to the murmur at the other side of the door. Some people were laughing. A girl was screaming at someone who had stolen her bag. More laughing, presumably from people who were watching.

It was at that moment that the loneliness struck him.

For the past two hours, he wanted nothing more than to be alone.

Right now the desire of walking into someone's arms, pouring his heart out, and someone telling him that it was all going to be fine, overshadowed the fear and made him bite his lip so hard that he noticed the taste of blood. He didn’t want to cry. He couldn’t, because if anyone walked in right now, he would have to explain and that would be worse than trying to ignore his hurt.

That’s why he pushed himself up and locked the door. He only had ten minutes before the bell and he still had to return the keys to Daichi, so he had to be quick.  
He took his uniform out of his locker and slowly started to undress.

First his socks.

Then his shorts.

He even tied the shoelaces of his outdoor shoes, before finally taking off the sweater that was drenched in sweat and smelled worse than Kageyama’s gym shoes. Even though he ordered himself to close his eyes, the realisation of what he had done hit him so hard in the gut that this was completely impossible. One look was enough for his breath to get caught in his throat.

He couldn’t breathe.

His stomach turned.

He fell on his knees and stared at the bandages. The blood had soaked through and made them overall more red than white. He knew he had been lucky. It could easily have made stains on the sleeves of his sweater and then he would have completely exposed himself. Everyone would have seen and then no one would have needed Tsukishima to figure out that he had lied about catching a cold.  
He was such a failure.

The whole training he hadn’t even realised that he was so close to the edge of discovery. He couldn’t even function as a fucking normal human being. What even was it that he wanted to achieve? Attention? The feeling of being special? A reason for him to be sick enough?’

He wasn’t any of those things. He wasn’t special and he definitely didn’t deserve any attention.

A sudden scream outside reminded him of the clock ticking.

Class.

He had to get to class.

His arms were throbbing.

Their tests would be handed back to them.

His head hurt.

Kageyama would be wondering why he didn’t show up.

Finally, he got up on his feet. He could not let Kageyama win. If he did not go to class now, that would mean Kageyama would have attended more classes than him, and then there would be another loss for him. He couldn’t let that happen just because he was pitying himself. Besides, he still had the keys to the clubroom and he’d rather not face Daichi after he had heard that he had skipped class.  
Sometimes the captain could be like a very scary father.

Quickly he changed into the rest of his uniform and with such haste that he almost forgot to lock the door of the clubroom, he ran to his classroom, where he arrived just in time to hear that he had barely passed his geography test.


	3. Chapter 3

Even though nothing really happened, Hinata found it a very hard week and he was one big emotional mess. From one moment to the next his mood could change from sad to anxious to broken to scared to empty to terrified and that was only on the surface. Considering that most of the time it would be a combination of at least three of these, he even thought he was lucky if he only felt sad or scared.

Trainings were the worst.

The first few days he could get away with just having a cold, but when Yamaguchi asked him on Thursday if he still wasn’t feeling better and Daichi had suggested it would be better for him to go home, he had to pinch himself very hard in the side to keep himself from crying. He had laughed it off, said that he had grown attached to his sweater and that it didn’t feel right to train without it anymore.

Another lie that he told was that he thought it would help him with receiving since he had to put more energy into getting the ball in the air, so he would be more aware of his technique.  
Because Nishinoya had made a bet with Tanaka about his highest amount of rolling thunders in one go and was throwing anyone and anything in his way on the ground, Hinata had never heard Daichi’s reaction to this. However, no one talked to him about it anymore, so this would have become the new normal if it wasn’t for the match that Friday. Only the thought of not being able to wear his sweater, made him feel like throwing up and he had no idea what to do about it. He considered wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt under his sport shirt, but then he wouldn’t be dressed the same as everyone else and he had heard that this was against the rules. Despite it not being an official match, Ennoshita could order him to remove his extra t-shirt and when he would try to convince him of the importance in his receiving, everyone would definitely think that he had taken this attachment too far. They would all try to interfere and then he would have even more eyes on him.

After that, he thought about wearing arm guards, an idea that he disregarded within seconds. The only person on their team who might need arm wear was Noya-senpai and he was fine without them. Hinata was by far the worst receiver of the regulars, so for him to be wearing arm guards would be nothing more than a reason for Tsukishima, Kageyama, Tanaka, and Nishinoya to laugh at him.

He was now stuck with the idea that he had to call in sick on Friday morning, although he found this just as unacceptable as his other solutions. He had never missed a match. Personal reasons had never been enough motivation for him to hold back in volleyball and he knew he would regret it if he would do that now.

Yet, he didn’t know what else to do.

Even if he would show his scars to everyone, they would probably think he was just seeking attention. No one was so open about his personal problems and it would be nothing other than rude to do so.

‘Hey, Hinata, we’re going to get meat buns now that practice is over. Do you want to come? I think Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san said they wanted to treat the team.’

‘Yeah, sure,’ Hinata said because he always found that it was impossible to reject Yamaguchi’s invitations. He didn’t really feel up to it and he’d rather go home right away, but Yamaguchi really was a little pure ball of sunshine and purity. He was everything Hinata wanted to be and Hinata had looked up to him from the moment he first did his jump floater in training. He had worked and improved so much, while Hinata had always been the same. Sure, he could do a quick that nobody else could, but that was only because of Kageyama. His speed and reflexes had always been like this. Just because they could be used in volleyball, didn’t mean he was as talented as Yamaguchi and if somebody would ask him, he wouldn’t be able to answer why Yamaguchi was the one who spent the most time on the side-lines.

‘Let's go!’ shouted Tanaka from outside the clubroom. ‘If y’all are not outside in ten seconds, I will lock you up.’

‘Tanaka, you don’t even have the keys,’ laughed Sugawara, while Hinata, Yamaguchi, and Narita quickly made their way out of the clubroom.

The rest of the team was already waiting, except for Tsukishima and Kageyama, who could not be bothered by moments of team bonding, and after Daichi had closed the clubroom, they started walking to the store of coach Ukai.

‘Have you ever heard of the manga ‘The day after’?’ Yamaguchi asked since they would often walk together when Kageyama and Tsukishima weren’t around. Hinata really liked walking with Yamaguchi, but somehow he would always feel guilty because Yamaguchi deserved so much better. He deserved someone normal, someone without problems. Someone that didn’t lie to him on a daily basis.

Hinata shook his head.

‘Well, I just started reading it last night and honestly, I couldn’t put it down. My father even came into my room when he got home from his nightshift, and started scolding me for still being awake at three in the morning on a school night. I hadn’t even realised that it was that late already. It’s really good and I would definitely recommend it.’

‘What is it about?’ Sugawara slowed down, so he could walk beside them and join the conversation.  
Hinata was grateful for this. At least now Yamaguchi would have someone who could give him the attention and enthusiasm he was entitled to.

‘Oh, about the friendship between two guys. It starts off quite funny, but then something happens, I won’t tell you what, and then that friendship is really tested. It’s very frustrating because if the two just talked to each other, they probably wouldn’t have half the problems they have after the incident and every time you think they are finally going to be honest with each other, something happens that makes them withdraw.’

‘Sounds indeed interesting.’

‘Tsukki recommended it to me. He said it was one of the best manga he ever read.’

Sugawara smiled.  
‘That says a lot. He reads quite a bit, right?’

‘Yes.’

At this point Hinata realised he tuned out off the conversation. His mind had started racing and if he hadn’t been with other people right now, he would have buried his face in his hands. He could only think about what he wanted to do. Pictures flashed through his mind and made his stomach feel like it was filled with butterflies. He wanted it so badly, even though he knew it was a bad thing. The deal that he had made with himself was once a week. Otherwise, he would risk exposing himself in training too much and he didn’t want to get addicted. Yet, every time he tried to put his mind to something else, he felt his thoughts slipping back to that one guilty desire.

‘Do you want to read it together, Hinata?’

Assuming they were still talking about that manga, Hinata looked at Sugawara and he nodded.  
‘Yeah, sure. Why not.’

‘Great! I think the first few chapters can be found online, so I will send both of you the link after I get home.’

‘Thanks!’

‘Thanks.’

‘So, do you both look forward to tomorrow?’ Sugawara said enthusiastically as if he would be among them during the practice match. Hinata felt his heart sink. ‘I heard Ennoshita already decided on a line-up.’

‘Of course,’ Hinata said with the biggest smile his face could produce. ‘Johzenji is a lot of fun.’

Sugawara laughed.  
‘That is definitely true. I’m kind of jealous you will be able to play them without it being an official match. I mean, the thrill of an official match is a feeling like no other, but somehow Johzenji always keeps surprising you, and especially because of this recklessness, they are a lot of fun to watch. The last time we played against them, I couldn’t help but cheer for their successful plays.’

At this, Daichi turned around while walking and he looked at Sugawara with such an unamused face, that Sugawara immediately apologetically raised his hands. He almost looked like Asahi-san, Hinata thought.

‘I still want to crush them. I just meant that in a practice match the stakes aren’t as high as in an official match and that I am curious to see how we play against them when we also have the chance to play freely.’

‘On the court, we do not play. We fight.’

‘You’re so serious.’ Sugawara picked up his pace, so he could walk next to Daichi and tease him some more about how rare his smile was.

Yamaguchi and Hinata both laughed at the sight of the setter, who kept poking the captain in his side, and the captain, who kept letting him. Hinata knew that if Tanaka or Nishinoya even dared to lay a finger on him without his permission, they both would be banned from the clubroom for at least a week, but Sugawara was the exception. Sugawara was the only one who could tease or call him out and him poking Daichi in his side was the perfect abuse of this freedom.

They arrived at the store not much later. Nishinoya and Tanaka went inside and while the rest of them waited outside, Daichi called for their attention.  
With the two of the loudest teammates not around, this was much easier than normal, so he didn’t have to be as loud for everyone to be quiet.

Hinata had expected Daichi to say something about the training that day, but he gestured to Ennoshita instead, who took a step on the stairs and looked down at the teammates below him. He looked a bit nervous and at the same time, he had this pride in his posture, that made Hinata want to look at him. It wasn’t the I’m-so-good pride either. It was pure and honest; the pride of being part of a team, of being thankful for the opportunity that was given to him, the pride of a true captain. Even Tanaka and Nishinoya, who walked out with three bags, didn’t say a word and just walked over to the rest of the team.

‘As you know,’ Ennoshita began, ‘do we play against Johzenji High tomorrow, a team currently being known for its unpredictability and playfulness. Before I announce the regulars for this match, I want to say that I expect us all to play our own game. It is guaranteed that we will encounter situations in which their play is reckless and maybe even lucky, but that does not mean that we should get just as reckless and unpredictable as they are. Our strength and unpredictability lie in our training and preparation, not in our performance.’

‘But it does look pretty cool when you do something completely unexpected and the crowd goes wild,’ said Nishinoya with a wide grin that was mirrored by Tanaka.

Ennoshita crossed his arms.  
‘Yes, that is absolutely true. But on the other hand, if you mess up, you will look pretty stupid.’

Their grins disappeared and Ennoshita nodded in approval.  
‘Thought so. Well, now that that problem is solved, the line-up. Since the third years are not around, I want everyone to play at least one full set. That’s why I don’t plan on switching out any players, unless absolutely necessary. I want us to be able to handle problems by figuring them out together, not by switching out players.’

There was some nodding among the second years and Hinata agreed too. Switching players wasn’t always going to provide a solution and they needed to be able to handle those kinds of situations. Besides, this was also a good way to force Kageyama, the lonely King, to start working together with teammates he wasn’t used to working with. Of course, he trained with Yamaguchi and the others, but a real match against another school was different than the matches the team played against each other.

‘So, I want to start with Kinoshita, Hinata substituted by Nishinoya and me in the background. Kinoshita, you will start on service.’  
Kinoshita nodded and smiled. Now that the third years weren’t around, he must be really keen on being a regular.

‘The front row will be Kageyama on the right, Yamaguchi in the middle, and Tanaka on the left. For the second set, Narita and Tsukishima will switch with Hinata and Yamaguchi, depending a bit on the line-up of Johzenji. Yamaguchi, in the second set I will depend on you as a pinch server, alright?’

‘Yes, sir!’

‘I hope that we can all be honest with each other this game. Don’t hold back on feedback, because we are here as a team and we have to help each other if we want to start working as one. Yes, it will be a challenge to fill the gaps the third years leave, but that is something we have to get used to, and to be honest, I see this as the perfect opportunity to show them that we can be perfectly fine with them gone.’

‘We’re not dead, you know,’ growled Sugawara, which made many of them laugh.

‘Preach, Chikara, preach,’ said Tanaka, after which he and Nishinoya both bowed down to Ennoshita, who just ignored them and jumped down again. He was greeted by a very proud Daichi and Asahi patted him gently on the back.

If it hadn’t been for that stubborn rock of panic in the pit of his stomach, Hinata probably would have felt like the happiest person in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

However, after going out with his friends, things seemed to fall apart almost immediately.

Hinata had walked back to school with Tanaka and Yamaguchi and from the moment he had grabbed his bicycle and said goodbye to them, he felt the panic grabbing a hold of him and increasing his heartbeat. At first, he had thought that cycling up the mountain was the cause of this, but when he came home, he found that there was no way he could relax. His body didn’t want to slow down. It wanted to run and to jump and to run even further like something was chasing him and if he didn’t move, he would be swallowed by that one thing that he could not do.

Not today.

Not tonight.

Especially not tonight, even though he knew that it would be the only thing that would calm him down.

He knew that he had no reason to be so stressed. Of course, there was this whole situation with the practice match that he hadn’t figured out, but that was in no way as life threatening as his body wanted him to believe.

He just needed to calm down, because only then could he think clearly and was he sane enough to make a decision of what he was going to do.  
Yet, that was the problem.

He needed to calm down to think of a solution and he needed a solution to calm down. These demands were intertwined with one another and had no beginning or end. There was nowhere for him to start and there was no way out, so he was forced to face his feelings without any armour.

He had felt himself completely shutting down. For hours he had sat on his bedroom floor, staring at the wall without even completing a single thought. He had noticed the tickling of his tears running down his cheeks and he had witnessed his fear racing through his chest like a heavy parasite, but it was only when he finally found some space to breathe, that he realised he had a massive bottom sore.  
That was at almost eleven o’clock.

Feeling completely numb, he had gone downstairs to check if all the doors were locked and he had replied to his mother that he was fine and that he wished her and Natsu a nice evening with his grandparents. She had left him some leftovers to warm up after practice and because he knew that he probably needed all the energy he could get, he took a few bites, before turning on the shower and trying to let the water wash away this grey and heavy feeling.

It didn’t.

Even after showering, he felt dim and broken without any motivation to put the pieces back together again. His head was heavy as stone and immovable; his body empty and comatose. That’s why he laid down on his bed and for the millionth time, he thought about the match of the next day. It would be best to just call in sick. Because the third years would be gone too, he wouldn’t be the only one. Yamaguchi or Narita could play for him and Kageyama could get some extra training in communication. Calling in sick, would probably also be the only lie he could tell without the team asking further questions. As far as they knew, he’d had a cold at the beginning of the week, so it wouldn’t be completely unexpected when he would say he had a fever.  
But he felt guilty for thinking this way, for choosing the easy way out, and it was this guilt that eventually made him get up and lock himself in the bathroom yet again.

He was disgusted with himself.


	5. Chapter 5

To his absolute horror, the next morning turned out differently than he had expected. He was woken up by a very enthusiastic Natsu, who had jumped on his bed and wanted to play with him before their mother would bring her to school. Luckily, he was completely covered by his blanket, so since she acted as happy and innocent as normal, he assumed she had not seen his fresh bandages.

Nevertheless, did he firmly grab the inside of his blanket with both of his hands, and was he watching every move she made like a cat watching the fish in a pond.

‘Here you are.’

Great. Another risk.

Their mother came walking into his room. She was readjusting her red hair in a high ponytail and she smiled, while she kept on talking.  
‘Did you have a good day yesterday? I saw you barely ate anything of the food I left for you.’

‘Yes, it was great,’ said Hinata, with his fists pressed to his chest. He actually felt his arms throbbing and because he had not expected to see his family right now, he could feel his heart rate slowly increase. ‘And we ate meat buns with the team after practice, which was a lot of fun. After that, I just didn’t really feel like eating a whole meal anymore.’

‘I understand, yes, good for you. Although, I will make us a nice meal this evening because pork buns shouldn’t be a regular dinner.’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

Finishing her hair, Hinata’s mother now had her hands free to grab Natsu from the bed. They both giggled.  
‘Come here, little lady. We should leave your brother to get dressed. Shoyo, I want to bring you to school today, so I would appreciate it if you would hurry up a little bit. Is that okay?’

Shocked that this would shatter the plan he had carefully thought through the previous evening, Hinata had to do his best to keep his voice steady.  
‘That is not necessary! I can cycle to school just fine.’

His mother looked at him with raised eyebrows.  
‘You clearly haven’t looked outside, yet. It is pouring from the sky. You will catch a cold. Don’t worry about it taking me too much time. I like spending time with you.’

‘Y-yes.’

‘See you downstairs in a bit,’ his mother said and with Natsu on her arm, she closed his bedroom door.

Fuck.

He was such a failure. He had one job and he messed up.

Again.

Not really knowing what else to do, he doubtfully got up and he searched for some clothes. Maybe he could go home during the day? Or he could message Ennoshita that he wouldn’t be coming to practice. In the worst case, he could always just not show up and deal with the consequences later. However, knowing his teammates, he then had to face the wrath of Ennoshita, as well as Daichi’s, and he didn’t really trust his ability to handle that. It could also make everything worse, so it would be best to avoid this course of action at all costs.

His mother had been right; the weather really was awful. If he had cycled to school that day, he surely would have been soaked before even reaching the foot of the mountain he had to climb. Besides, it even had been nice to drive with his family. He and Natsu had sung a lot of Natsu’s favourite songs and after they had dropped her off, he had been talking with his mother about practice. She didn’t understand much about volleyball or the rules, but she was always very interested when he explained them over and over. Sometimes she even remembered something he had said last time and then they would laugh and she would apologise for her bad memory.

‘I’ll pick you up after your game, honey,’ said his mother, after she parked the car in front of the school. She leaned over, so he could give her a kiss and then rubbed his hair. ‘Have a nice day.’

‘Thank you. You too.’

‘I would run if I were you. Otherwise, your volleyball clothes will get drenched.’

‘Yes, see you.’

But the moment Hinata set one foot out of the car, he was instantly struck by a thought that could be his saviour of the day. While he ran to the front door of the school, he thought about it and even after most of his classes had passed, he still figured that there was no better option. If all went well, he could play the match without having to reveal anything, and without having to make up some unbelievable story.

All thanks to the person who decided to let the rain pour from the sky that day.

That’s why at the ringing of the last bell, he told Kageyama he would see him at the gym and he raced out the classroom to get his volleyball stuff. In one of the empty bathroom stalls, he made a few big wet stains on his training t-shirt and some small ones on his shorts. Now everyone would believe that his clothes had been soaked through the rain and because it would be very unwise to train in wet clothes, they had to let him wear his hoodie under his jersey.

‘Yeah, I guess that would be best then,’ Ennoshita said thoughtfully when Hinata had replied to his question about the absence of any other dry clothes. ‘Or does somebody else have a t-shirt he can borrow?’

‘Tsukki always has one extra,’ giggled Yamaguchi. ‘But I think you would drown in that, Hinata.’

‘Urusai, Yamaguchi.’ Tsukishima was changing in his own sportswear and his face didn’t particularly look like he enjoyed the thought of Hinata wearing his clothes.

‘Gomen, Tsukki.’

Ennoshita threw his hands in the air.  
‘Fine, I don’t have time to deal with this. Everyone who is done, help Yachi with preparing the gym. The others, hurry up. Johnzenji can be here any minute.’

‘They probably also had some struggles because of the rain, Chikara.’

‘I don’t care and Kinoshita you're wearing your jersey the wrong way. How can Daichi always do this with so much order?’

‘Probably because he doesn’t want to be anything other than himself.’

Narita received an intense warning look from Ennoshita, after which the whole clubroom kept his mouth closed.

Hinata felt a bit of pity for the second year-captain. He tried so hard. At that moment, probably no one else was as motivated as Ennoshita to make this a successful practice match.  
But Narita had been right. Now that Daichi was gone and de pressure of being a captain had fallen onto Ennoshita, the latter tried too much to bear this weight the same way their former captain had done. He screamed at Tanaka and Nishinoya, instead of silencing them with his own salty comments like usual when they prepared the gym for the game, he took on the same routine as Daichi-san and, believe it or not, he even acted like Kinoshita and Narita were his own Sugawara-san and Asahi-san. The look Narita had just received could totally have been given to a sentimental Asahi-san, Hinata figured, while putting some chairs for the coaches in place. Right now, he was contemplating with Kinoshita if Hinata and Tsukishima should be switched. Or rather, Ennoshita was talking and Kinoshita just looked like he had no idea what to do or say and would grab the first chance to start his warm-up, far away from the stressed-out second-year captain.

‘THANK YOU FOR HAVING US!’

Hinata was startled by the sound of the Johzenji High team entering the gym.

Ennoshita ordered the whole Karasuno team to line up and they all bowed to welcome their guests. The coaches shook hands, Yachi was addressed by the Johzenji manager and Ennoshita walked over to the Johzenji captain. However, he was completely ignored by the wild blonde, as Terushima pointed enthusiastically to Hinata.

‘Mini-spiderman!’ he screamed with the most energetic smile Hinata had ever seen. ‘We are gonna have so much fun today!’

Hinata laughed.  
‘Bring it on.’

‘Oi. Don’t pick on our first year, party-boy,’ Tanaka grinned. ‘First, you have to go through us.’

‘Tanaka!’

Even though Ennoshita had been standing at the other side of their queue, within seconds, he had covered the distance between them, and he dragged Tanaka by his ear to an apologising bow.  
‘My apologies.’

Terushima had a weird look on his face with the two bowing before him, but Hinata saw Kinoshita gesturing to him that he should just go with it, so he pointed to the court.  
‘Shall we start?’

Ennoshita got up.

‘Do you need a place to change? You can use our clubroom to change your wet clothes.’

‘Oh, the rain is not the reason we’re late.’ The number three on the right of Terushima started laughing. ‘Our captain just thought it was a good idea to forget to bring his stuff with him. We had to go back.’

‘I was just really looking forward to the match, okay!’ Terushima said while patting the number three on his head as a dog owner would do with his pet.

Looking at the two, the words of Sugawara passed through Hinata’s mind and he suddenly understood what the third year had meant to say. This was probably going to be a lot of fun.

They started the match twenty minutes after the arrival of their opponents. Johzenji had somehow convinced coach Ukai to let the players from both teams warm up together, so Hinata ended up doing his passing drills with their libero, who was apparently called Arata Tsuchiyu. He was very nice and made it very hard for Hinata to concentrate on the ball since he would constantly try to distract him by making jokes that Hinata just could not ignore. In return, Hinata tried to get back at him by passing in the weirdest positions he could think of and it wasn’t until Ennoshita scolded him for not taking the warm-up seriously, that he toned his enthusiasm down a bit.

Kageyama, on the other hand, was stuck with Terushima and he looked like it wouldn’t take that much for him to start coming at his opponent. Terushima kept asking him how his nose was doing and if he had needed surgery to straighten the damage from the last time they played each other, and on top of that, he kept singing this song with a melody that definitely would have given Hinata a smack on his head, would he have sung that in the presence of the King.

The moment that Terushima had started to sing an octave higher and Ennoshita was forced to remove Kageyama to a safer distance, had been the moment that their warm-ups had ended. The rest of the Karasuno team gathered around the substitute captain and the angry crow. Yamaguchi relieved Ennoshita of his duty of guarding the King, who kept throwing nasty looks at the other side of the court, where Terushima occasionally answered him with peace fingers.

‘So,’ Ennoshita began, while he studied the horde of crows in front of him. Coach Ukai gave him a quick nod and he continued. ‘First match without the third years. We will go with the lineup that I have already shared with you and we will show those party-boys that we can give them just as much trouble as last time. However, don’t forget what I said yesterday. We will not go along with their unpredictability. We will not be able to defeat them in their game, so we must make the game our own. If we stay calm and collected, we will find the strength to pierce through their glory.’

‘Try not to get too distracted by their provocations or unpredictable plays,’ Coach Ukai added. ‘We now know that they can pull off the most ridiculous stunts. If we let this overwhelm us, our vision will be blurred and we will become too hesitant to get the upper hand.’

‘We can take them,’ Nishinoya said confidently and he stomped Hinata against his shoulder. ‘Right, Shoyo?’

Hinata nodded enthusiastically.  
‘Of course! We are not going to let them win this time either!’

‘Ennoshita, will you do the honour?’

A bit shocked by the realisation that this was indeed also part of the job as a captain, Ennoshita made the first move into the creation of the team circle and he held his fist in the middle.  
‘KARASUNO FIGHT!’  
‘YEEEAAAAHHHH.’


	6. Chapter 6

Since Johzenji High was the guest, their assistant-coach would be the referee of the game. He was a very optimistic looking guy and while he sat down on his chair, both teams took their places on the court.

Hinata watched as Nishinoya talked to Ennoshita and Kinoshita about how best to divide the court. The Johzenji captain would be the first to serve and Hinata remembered from their last match that he had a very nasty jump-serve. He really hoped that they could cut him off at the first attempt. It would probably be very hard to overcome the momentum if they missed several receives right at the start of the game. Especially Ennoshita would blame himself for his bad receives and his failure as a captain.

The sound of a whistle filled the gym and the game began.

‘CUT HIM OFF,’ Narita and Hinata screamed, answered by a very loud scream from the receiving team.

Terushima threw the ball in the air, ran, jumped, and hit the ball straight ahead to the left corner of the Karasuno-court. It was clear that he had aimed for Ennoshita, who dived and touched the ball before it could reach the ground.

The receive was far from perfect, but it was high enough for Kageyama to get under it and make a toss from the back of the court. He set to Tanaka, who jumped and slammed the ball past two Johzenji blockers, right to the arms of Tsuchiyu.

The Johzenji libero tried to pass to their number three. However, his pass was off, so the setter was forced to jump as high as possible and while Yamaguchi jumped to block any setter dumps, the setter hit the ball with his head.

Because of this, the ball went with a small arc over the top of Yamaguchi’s fingers and despite Nishinoya’s attempt to reach it, the ball landed just behind the middle blocker on the ground.

‘USE YOUR HANDS, YOU IDIOT,’ the Johzenji manager screamed from the sidelines, but the Johzenji team was too busy cheering to notice her anger.

At the same time, Ennoshita helped Nishinoya to get up.  
‘Don’t mind. Let's get the next one.’

Annoyed. Nishinoya nodded and he went back to his place.

‘I’m sorry, guys,’ Yamaguchi said. ‘I really thought he was going to do a dump.’

‘You were definitely right about that.’

‘Don’t worry about it, Yamaguchi,’ Kinoshita said and even though it looked like he was going to add something to this, the referee cut him off with another blow on his whistle.

The game continued pretty much the same way, although over time, they did get used to the unpredictability of the Johzenji team and somehow they found the strength to keep playing their own game. This was mostly because of coach Ukai’s tip to get the receive as high as possible, so Kageyama had enough time to get to the ball and the rest of the team could regroup for the counter-attack. Hinata realised that this really made a difference. It gave them time to think and to breathe, and because of this, they didn’t get caught up in the speed and haste of the game.  
When it was Hinata’s turn to enter the court again, they were only one point behind. With every intention of turning the tides, he switched with Nishinoya and he yelled ‘Nice serve!’ to Yamaguchi, who caught the ball that Kageyama threw at him.

Facing forward, Hinata then looked at Terushima, whose tongue showed his hunger. Thinking back at their last match, when Terushima had said that it was way more interesting with Hinata in the court, Hinata felt a rush of confidence and excitement flourishing in his stomach. Now that they had played for a while, his first jitters were gone and he felt more relaxed. The last time he had been in the front row in the rotation, he had not been able to pull off their quick as much as he had wanted to. Yet, he was absolutely certain that he could overcome any block Johzenji would throw at him.  
Yamaguchi managed to make two service-aces with his jump-floater before Johzenji finally got their hands on the ball. Their captain had made a solid receive, which caused the perfect opportunity for a synchronized attack. Once the whole opposite team started moving, all the Karasuno members were on their guard. They all realised that Johzenji had copied this attack of them, but unlike their last match, now they’d had enough time to practice.

Thus it came as no surprise that their number 3 was able to give the perfect set to their number 7, who hit the ball in the corner of the Karasuno court. A loud bang sounded as the ball hit the ground, followed by the boisterous cheers of the Johzenji members.

‘Damn it!’ Kinoshita growled while getting up on his feet again. ‘That was so close.’

‘Always think that the ball is gonna come to you and be prepared to dive,’ Nishinoya screamed while running over to the court to switch with Yamaguchi.

Hinata grinned. He got why the others were so frustrated, but for him, this only meant that they had to fight extra hard to get the next point, and after one glance at Kageyama, he knew that they both thought the same thing. They would definitely make the next one and there would be no stopping them.  
Ennoshita probably had noticed their non-verbal communication, because he quickly ran over to them.

‘Don’t forget to look if there are any blockers,’ he said in a whisper. ‘Of course, it is awesome to just slam the ball as hard as possible, but if you get the chance to make a feint, don’t waste it.’

Kageyama pointed his finger at Hinata.  
‘He will outrun every blocker. None of them is fast enough.’

‘Just keep in mind that no point is guaranteed.’

Hinata knew Kageyama hadn’t said this just to praise him or to comfort their nervous captain. As always, his predictions turned out to be right and Hinata found himself slamming the ball straight down, where no one of the Johzenji team was able to reach it.

They were now one point ahead and by the time it was Hinata’s turn to serve, they had managed to widen this to a three points gap. They now needed only three points to win this set.  
He took the ball from the ground, bounced it a few times, and got ready to serve. Concentrating on throwing the ball at the perfect height, he barely noticed the whistle telling him he could start, and without any hesitation, he sent the ball to the opposite court. There, Terushima received it with one hand, after which their setter send the ball to the middle blocker, who spiked it directly back at Hinata.

Just in time, Hinata stretched his arms, but he was taken aback by the immense force that he needed to stop. The ball smacked against his arms so hard, he had to gather every ounce of strength he could find to suppress a sudden scream.

Fighting back the tears that started to form in the corners of his eyes, he saw how Kageyama had to run over to the other side of the court to correct his mistake.  
They hadn’t been able to hit the ball this hard last time, he thought, while watching his teammates fight for control of the rally. His arms were burning.

Even though he didn’t know what to do about it, everything would be better than keeping up this crouched down position and pretending he was fully engaged in the match. He was on fire, he needed to move. How could he do nothing, when flames were scorching his arms? He was burning alive and all he did, was looking at some stupid ball that for some stupid reason shouldn’t touch that stupid ground.

It was this thought that made him realise too late that the ball was coming his way again. This time, there was no time at all for him to raise his hands and therefore he could do nothing to prevent the ball from hitting him in the face.

‘HINATA BOKE!’

‘BWUAHAHAHA DID YOU SEE THAT?!’

‘HINATA ARE YOU ALIVE?’

‘WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT COPYING THE OPPONENT?!’

‘Ennoshita, calm down. I’m sure it was an accident.’

Why did he always mess up like this? Now Johzenji got the point and, more importantly, everyone was looking at him. He had failed again and he had made a complete fool of himself, which was even worse than an unexpected attack gone wrong.

Ashamed, he rubbed at his forehead where the ball had hit him and even through a bit of a blurred vision, Hinata could see someone walking over to him. It was probably Takeda sensei, checking to see if he was okay, but before he could come any closer, Hinata bowed to the person on his left, who was most likely to be Ennoshita.

‘I’M SORRY,’ he yelled and without waiting for an answer, he ran over to the side-lines so Nishinoya could take over for him.

‘Let your senpai show you how it is done, Shoyo,’ the libero said when they passed each other and despite Hinata deliberately avoiding his gaze, he felt a short pat on his back.

He did not dare to look at Narita or Tsukishima either, so he just turned around and tried to focus on the resumption of the game. His mind, however, kept screaming at him like Kageyama would have done if he had been standing next to him. He could not believe that yet again he had let everyone down. They had only needed three more points and then it would have been his turn to watch the game from the side-lines. Not that he preferred to be a spectator, but at least he couldn’t screw up when he wasn’t in the court. But who could identify himself as a volleyball player when he actually felt relieved to be on the side-lines?  
He was such a coward.

He flinched when he felt a hand grabbing his shoulder and pulling him back slightly. A soft whisper sounded in his ear.

‘Go to the bathroom. Now.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this chapter, my head clearly wasn't able to focus, so I'm sorry for the bad writing. I've never written a volleyball scene like this, so really respect to the writer of Haikyuu because man, thinking about the exact path of the ball is haaaardddd. I hope mine is clear enough haha. Also, previous chapters served kind of as an introduction to the story, but from now on, I'm going to live up to the tags I have given in the description :)  
> Have a nice weekend!!!!


	7. Chapter 7

‘Go to the bathroom. Now. Don’t ask any questions, just do it.’

It had almost been impossible to hear. Yet, Hinata was quite sure that it had been Tsukishima who gave him a small push in the direction of the toilets and thereby forcing him to ignore his confusion.

Because Hinata noticed Takeda sensei looking at him from his place next to coach Ukai, he somehow managed to start walking, while trying to keep his face as straight as possible. On the inside, however, he was screaming his lungs out. What the hell was happening? What had Tsukishima seen? Had he been the only one or was Takeda-sensei’s gaze, not simply an act out of worry for his face?

He got his answer right after he entered the bathroom. With trembling fingers he locked the door, shutting out the sound of the continuing practice match, and he walked over to the sink. His eyes widened in shock when he saw the red stains on the sleeves of his sweater. Fresh blood had soaked through the fabric like the rain had done when he’d had to walk to the clubroom, and made his sweater look like his mother's new red-dotted table cloth. They were small, not at all that noticeable, but Tsukishima’s reaction had been enough to prove that at least one person now knew his secret. Of course, Tsukishima had been the one to notice. His glasses really must be magnifying his surroundings.

A chill went down his spine when he took a step back and started pacing in full-on panic mode. He literally had no idea what to do. Tsukishima had seen him, he knew. He couldn’t go back now. Not with his sleeves stained and everyone still expecting him to keep watching. He would never be able to hide it. Besides, if they ended up in a tie after the second set, he may even be expected to play again and then everyone would see and they would all know and then he would have screwed up again. What the hell was he thinking? Why did he even play this game in the first place? He’d had known it was a bad idea. Volleyball wasn’t a sport for people like him. It was only for normal people who were able to focus on the ball instead of on the scars on their bodies.

With the second, his breathing got heavier. Maybe he could climb out of the window and run all the way home. He was definitely small enough to fit through. Or he could sneak out when Tsukishima was forced to pay attention to the game in the second set. Even if he saw Hinata leave, he wouldn’t be able to leave the court. Trying to sneak out in the middle of a rally, would probably give him the best chance of escaping. Tsukishima would be too focused on the Johzenji players.

Then, Hinata started laughing hysterically at the thought of Tsukishima following him outside. This was Tsukishima, of course, he wouldn’t be bothered by someone whose existence he always tried to deny. Even knowing his secret wouldn’t change that.

On the other hand, in the second set Yamaguchi would also be on the sidelines and he would definitely notice his absence. The more Hinata would take his time in the bathroom, the more Yamaguchi would look for him because that was the person he was. But maybe he could try to leave when Yamaguchi was also not looking? In the worst scenario, he could always just make a run for it. His feet could not be beaten. Without a doubt, no one would be able to catch up to him. Unless the third years would be done early and would be walking over to the gym at that exact moment. If he bumped into them while running away, they would probably be furious.

A soft knock on the door made his stomach turn yet again. Stressed out by the sudden need for an answer, he needed some time to find the right words, and solemnly on will power, he forced his voice under control.

‘O-occupied!’

‘The second set is about to start,’ sounded Tsukishima’s voice from the other side of the door. It was a steady and unimpressed comment like it was just a normal day and Daichi had ordered him to tell Hinata that break time was almost over. Hinata didn’t understand. Why didn’t he say something? Was someone standing close to him or was he really not that impressed?

‘Just a second,’ Hinata said since he had no idea what else to answer. ‘Go on without me.’

‘Open the door and take this.’

That was all he said.

After a moment of hesitation, Hinata opened the door just enough so that he could see Tsukishima, who handed over a folded sweater and then left without saying a word. This had to be by far the weirdest thing Hinata had ever experienced. Never in his life would he have thought Tsukishima would be the one at his side in a moment of need, especially when he had just found out what was happening.

Quickly, Hinata closed the door again and he walked back to the sink. Knowing that he did not have the time to sort out his confusion, he opened the cupboard above the small mirror, pulled out the first-aid kit, and found some fresh bandages he could use to replace his soaked ones. His mind was on auto-pilot. He knew he could not let himself get upset over what had happened, so he pushed away every thought, every ounce of panic that tried to sneak upon him, and he just numbly worked on his wounds.

After that, he removed his sweater and put on the one Tsukishima had given him, which, to his surprise, wasn’t even as oversized as he had expected it to be. He also couldn’t help but notice the smell of lavender and this made him realise that the sweater wasn’t even Tsukishima’s.

It was Yamaguchi’s.

He would recognise that scent out of thousands, even if Yamaguchi had never told him how much he loved his mother's detergent.

With a big lump in his throat, he hid the dirty bandages in his own sweater, which he folded and hid under his borrowed one. Then, he took a big breath, before walking into the gym again and acting as normal as possible, he quickly sneaked the evidence of the incident in his bag.  
Luckily, no one said anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, describing your feelings after someone has just found out really is almost impossible. I don't exactly know how it feels in a situation like this, but I do know how it feels when some big secret (that you can be really ashamed of) gets discovered. If it's out of your control or not, I found it one of the hardest moments in my life and that's why I wanted to end this chapter with a shout-out to everyone who has ever been through that. I don't care if it was because of someone noticing or if it was intentional, know that I have so much respect for you because it absolutely couldn't have been easy. I may not know your situation, but I definitely acknowledge your struggle and I think you are a true hero to have endured it. I know it's a lot to ask, but I really hope you can see that too <3


	8. Chapter 8

He could not believe that no one else had noticed. The more he thought about it, the more he thought he must have overlooked some crucial detail in the way everyone had reacted once he joined the team again. As far as he had seen, they all had acted in the way they normally would’ve. Ennoshita had been too focused on the game to talk about anything else, Kinoshita and Narita had only been exchanging looks when Ennoshita tried to copy Daichi again, Nishinoya and Tanaka were too loud to even notice he had left for a few and Kageyama had just scolded him for having a small bladder and therefore missing them making the final point of the first set.

Even though the points difference had been way smaller, they won the second set due to the incredible serves of Yamaguchi as pinch server. Relieved he didn’t had to play another set, Hinata had lined up with the others, after which they had done their stretches, said their farewells to the Johzenji High team -Terushima pouted that the second set had been way too boring without the mini-spiderman on the court- and had a short team meeting.

‘I think you can all be very proud of yourself,’ coach Ukai said when they all sat down together. In his hand, he held a small notebook with the notes that Yachi had made during the game. He looked at them and smiled.

‘We definitely still have a lot to work on, but I think this was a very good start. You all managed to keep playing your own game and I think you can definitely see this match as a good foundation for the confidence needed when we say farewell to our current third years.’

‘But we really have to work on our receiving,’ Ennoshita added after coach Ukai gave him permission to speak. ‘Not to mention our blocking. There are too many holes in our defence. We’re not syncing up at all.’

Hinata looked over to Tsukishima, who sat at the other end of their semicircle and listened to their second-year captain. His face bore no expression or whatsoever. If someone would have told him yesterday the outcomes of this practice match, he would never have believed it. That, of all people, Tsukishima would be the one to help him, was something he could not wrap his head around and, honestly, if he looked at how they had interacted with each other since the second set, it would seem like nothing even happened in the first place. Tsukishima hadn’t met his gaze once and the only time he had spoken, was during the game when he deflected the ball or called someone’s name to cover for him.

Hinata had no idea what to think about this. On the one hand, it would be best not to act any different in public if they didn’t want anyone to ask any questions. Since Hinata felt no desire for anyone else to know, he should probably thank Tsukishima for this reaction.

On the other hand, however, he was filled with so many questions, that he felt like it wouldn’t take much for them to burst out of him. Tsukishima knew what he did and he hadn’t said anything. He had been so quick to help him hide his secret from everyone, instead of involving an adult, since Hinata clearly needed help. Someone like Tsukishima surely would know that telling Takeda-sensei, whose job as a teacher was to make sure his students were well, was the wisest choice to make, and yet, he hadn’t. And what was he going to do now? The possibility of telling someone else still existed. He could change his mind or maybe it was his plan all along to tell someone after the match when there were fewer people to overhear the conversation. Had he even told Yamaguchi that Hinata needed to borrow his sweater or had he just taken it without even asking?

Hinata knew that, in order for him to get any answers, he had to approach Tsukishima and ask him straightforwardly. Sadly, he found that this was much more difficult than he had anticipated. The fact that he found himself unable to say the words out loud, was not helping either. It couldn’t be more obvious that Tsukishima knew his secret, but to actually talk to him about it, felt like too big of a step. Even when they had been standing in the storage room together with nobody else around during the cleanup, something had blocked his throat from making any sound. He couldn’t describe what exactly kept him from asking Tsukishima what he was going to do. He was nervous, yes, but normally that would have the opposite effect. Whenever he had a test coming up or at the beginning of literally every match, he had to go to the bathroom, he constantly felt the need to throw up, and, most of all, he talked everyone’s ears off as a way to distract himself from his physical discomforts. So he didn’t understand why this time the words had been stuck in his throat. How could he have so many questions, but no way to get them out?

He was one of the last ones to leave the school grounds. It had stopped raining, so he just sat on a brick wall in front of the gym, talking to Tanaka-san about some stupid plan he had made up to get the autograph of Kiyoko-san. Hinata didn’t have much faith in it and he thought Tanaka would be lucky if he would only be told to piss off. Of course, he didn’t say this at loud and he just let his senpai ramble on about preparations and how he would use Nishinoya to create a distraction.

When his mum arrived, Hinata waved at Tanaka, who then took of too, and he stepped in the car.

‘Hi, darling,’ his mother said while moving her bag to the back of the car. She gave him a kiss and started the vehicle. ‘How was your day?’

‘It was fine,’ Hinata said without being much in the mood for a conversation. He just wanted to go home, take a shower, and somehow put a stop to all the questions that still kept racing through his mind. What a luxury it would be to have an off-button for your own thoughts, he thought longingly.

‘How was yours?’

‘Busy,’ his mother laughed. ‘But when is it not, right? There were a lot of customers with high expectations, so I was very glad when I could finally take a break. How did the game go? Against the yellow team?’

‘Yes, the yellow team. We won 2-0, even without the third years.’

‘Well done! I think you can all be very proud of yourself. Guess your nerves this morning were for nothing heh?’

‘Right,’ Hinata said quietly.

He was tired. Both his mind and body were exhausted from the day and he would give a lot to just fall asleep. Only because that would be very rude to his mother, who had driven all the way to his school to pick him up, he managed to find the motivation to stay awake.

Since his phone kept buzzing, he took it out of his pocket and he saw lots of messages being sent in the Karasuno group chat. Curiously, he unlocked his screen and he smiled when he saw the conversation going on. Daichi-san and Sugawara-san were not shy at all in sharing their pride and joy and kept saying how they would definitely come back next year to see them getting stronger. In the short time that Hinata had looked at the incoming messages, Daichi had reminded them four times that he really had wanted to come to watch the game, each time followed by Sugawara’s statement that it would be a real honour to watch them grow even more. Ennoshita tried to interrupt by saying that they still had a lot of work to do to get the team running as smoothly as they did now, but both the captain and the vice-captain paid no attention to this attempt to calm the situation. They almost seemed like some crazy parents, Hinata thought joyfully, while preparing himself to put his phone on stand by again.

However, with his thumb already on the off button and his hand covering more than half of his screen, his eyes fell on a message that made him accidentally bite on the inside of his cheek out of surprise. It couldn’t have been anything else than a coincidence that he saw it before returning his attention to the car ride again. Later on, he maybe would have said that it could have been because of the stubborn guilt he felt for borrowing something without asking, but right now, he was too focused on the message itself to think about how he had noticed it without even looking for it.  
It was a message from Yamaguchi, asking if somebody had seen his sweater.

Simultaneously, Hinata became aware of the sweat breaking out of him. A creeping fear ran down his spine and found his home in the pit in his stomach.  
Should he answer?

Keeping quiet would be the act of a true thief, but, at the same time, he didn’t think that there was anything he could say without raising any suspicion. As far as everyone knew, he had been wearing his own sweater the whole time, so it would be quite weird for him to tell Yamaguchi that his sweater was in his bag. If he had gone to the clubroom after the clean-up, he could have said that he had seen it lying around and therefore taken it. Although, that still would have been dumb, because he could have just put it in Yamaguchi’s locker.

‘How about you first take a shower and I’ll make sure dinner is ready when you’re done?’ his mother asked, after which they took a turn right and drove into their street.

Distracted by the sudden threat of discovery, Hinata gave a short nod. A soft vibration in his hand told him that there were new messages, but he didn’t look. He needed some time to think about what to do, because he couldn’t make any decisions he would probably regret later.

Besides, if someone had commented that they had seen Tsukishima give a sweater to him at the end of the first set, he would not want to read it. Ever. There was no way he would be able to talk himself out of an investigation, especially not when Yamaguchi was the one who got screwed over. In such a case, no one would be able to justify their actions.  
Therefore he lingered upon arrival until his mother finally told him she hoped he didn’t expect a three-course dinner just by giving her more time to prepare their food for that night.

With a sigh, Hinata let go of Natsu, who had been trying to tickle him with her tiny fingers, and he got up. Every step he took, was filled with care and precision, so it would take him more time to get to his room. He knew he could just turn off his phone and enjoy the night with his family. Yet, he also felt the need to defend himself if things really had gone down in the group chat. If the worst indeed had happened, the least he could do was let everyone know the truth, instead of letting them decide for themselves how Hinata had ended up with Yamaguchi’s sweater. Presumptions never ended up helping the situation.

Reluctantly, he opened his messages again, and for the second time that day, he was startled by the sudden turn of events.  
In the Karasuno group chat there were only some people who said that they hadn’t seen anything. However, somewhere in the past ten minutes, Tsukishima had started a private chat with him and there were three short messages:

[Tsukishima]: Wash it  
[Tsukishima]: Put it in your locker tomorrow morning  
[Tsukishima]: Don’t say anything

Confused, Hinata stared at the three instructions.  
Wash it. Put it in your locker. Don’t say anything.  
Wash it. Put it in your locker. Don’t say anything.  
Wash it.  
Put it in your locker.  
Don’t say anything.

  
What could possibly be happening right now?  
While feeling like Pacman was gnawing on the inside of his stomach, Hinata started typing. He could see Tsukishima still being online, so it was now or never.

[Hinata]: Why?

…

Read 19:02

…  
He waited in silence for a few minutes, before he continued typing.

[Hinata]: Why are you helping me?  
[Hinata]: Are you going to tell someone?  
…  
[Hinata]: I kinda feel like I should say thank you  
…  
[Hinata]: Thanks

His messages were read.  
None of them were answered.


	9. Chapter 9

Despite his exhaustion, Hinata couldn’t fall asleep that night. One moment he was cold, the other warm, and he kept turning in his bed until he realised he had pulled the sheets from his mattress.

When, finally, he watched the numbers on his clock change to 3:00, he got up and took his phone from his nightstand. For hours, Tsukishima’s messages had been racing through his mind and if he hadn’t been staring at them right now, he definitely would have thought that he had been too sleep-deprived, to tell the truth from his own imagination. But there they were.

Short,

Direct,

And the only thing said to him that evening.

At first, he had felt angry that his replies had been ignored, but now, he was mostly confused and a bit curious about what Tsukishima would think of him. Before today, he must have seen him only as an annoying, energetic shrimp, so to actually find out that there was more to him than he made others believe, must have been a surprise. Unfortunately, Hinata had no idea if this had been for the good or the bad, although he dreaded the latter and he cursed himself for being so stubborn.

He should never have gone to the game.

Next to his anger and confusion around Tsukishima’s messages, this had been the most common thought that had occurred to him from the moment he had turned on the shower that evening. The hot water had stung more than usual, which, in combination with all that had happened that day, caused him to start crying and if it hadn’t been for the dinner he still had to attend, he probably would have done this through the whole evening.

However, when at long last he was in the privacy of his own room again, he found himself unable to shed any tears at all. The feeling was there, but somehow his eyes had closed their water supply and left him dry. It was like being stuck without the possibility to escape. With a huge pressure forcing him to the only exit, he kept slamming and pushing at a door that didn’t want to move. His heart ached, his chest had tightened, yet there were no tears to relieve him from this tension.

Since he had felt his mind going to a darker place again, he had tried to distract himself by doing some homework, which actually semi-worked for maybe half an hour. After that, however, he could not stop himself from feeling like he had to do something to prevent this afternoon from repeating itself. Even if Tsukishima kept his mouth shut, he had been way too close to exposing himself and he figured that next time, he wouldn’t be so lucky. Therefore, he had to think of some solution that would be much more promising than the bandages, which, until today, he had deemed quite trustworthy.

Unfortunately, he could not think of anything else than to quit volleyball altogether. At first, this had seemed like a very harsh and rushed decision, but the longer he thought about it, the more he had to acknowledge this feeling telling him that this was indeed the only way to be 100% sure that no one would find out. There was no way he could wear his sweater during the upcoming preliminaries and if he kept calling in sick on days with official matches, there was no reason at all for him to be on the team. Besides, if he quit now, he would spare himself all the lies he would have to tell and maybe even from the team being furious with him. It would be best for everyone if he would just drop out right away, and because he could not think of a single reason why thinking otherwise would be good for anyone other than himself, he made up his mind that evening.

Around 3:35, he quietly put on his shoes, after which he sneaked out of the house with Yamaguchi’s sweater in his backpack. There was no point in postponing the inevitable, he thought while opening the lock on his bicycle.

Luckily, it had stopped raining and this made it a lot easier for him to climb the mountain, since he only had to deal with his own exhaustion, instead of having the rain making his clothes all heavy and blurring his vision on top of that. Physically, it hadn’t even been such an active day (especially with his mom driving him to and from school and playing only one set, instead of the usual two), but all the stress had made his body feel drained and weak. He didn’t even think he had ever felt this exhausted, apart from maybe at the end of the finals against Shiratorizawa. Although, that had been a completely different kind of tired. Back then, he had felt his muscles burning with every little movement he made. Right now, there wasn’t really any energy to set anything on fire. He was actually just trying to get water from an empty well and instead of resting so he wouldn’t make himself even more thirsty, he worked his ass off to climb a freaking mountain.

That would definitely make his muscles ache in the morning, he thought, when he stopped at the top to catch his breath for a moment. From this point of view, he could see the city lights illuminating the valley below him and he realised that it was the most peaceful thing he had seen in days. With the exception of maybe one or two, there weren’t any cars moving around and disturbing the calmness that only the deepest part of the night could bring. It was nice and quiet, like the hustle and bustle of the day had gone down with the sun and had provided them with a space to breathe.

Even though this wasn’t Hinata’s first time being awake at this hour, he had never realised how much peace could be found outside his bedroom. Next time, he would do well to remember this moment.  
After he had taken another deep breath, he stepped on his bicycle again and he let himself be driven down the other side. Without having to do much work of his own, he eventually reached Tsukishima’s house. There, he took Yamaguchi’s neatly folded sweater out of his backpack and he put it on the porch.

‘I’m sorry to all of you,’ he whispered.

* * *

After only a few hours of sleep, he was woken up by the sound of someone knocking at his bedroom door. He turned around, desperately trying to cling to that little bit of sleep that could take him away again. Even without looking at his alarm, he knew it was still too early to get up on a Saturday morning, so he really wished that the other person would just come back later and leave him to his peaceful, satisfying sleep. If they only knew how much sleep meant to him, they would never knock a second time.

‘Shoyo darling, don’t you have practice today? If you’re not getting up now, you will be late.’

‘Practice was canceled,’ Hinata murmured into his pillow. His mother was so sweet for always checking in to make sure he didn’t oversleep, but right now, it took him a lot of effort not to start shouting at her. Especially on the weekend, it should be his own responsibility to set an alarm, right?

‘Oh, okay. Then I see you later.’

When he was sure his mother was too far to hear his response, Hinata let out a frustrating growl. He could feel that his chance to get back to sleep had slipped away and he could hear his thoughts slowly waking up again. They were not yet screaming, but they did become louder with the second. Louder and faster.

It could only mean that he was in for a long and hard day.

Even though he opened his eyes, he did not plan to get out of bed any time soon. Because his curtains were not fully closed, he could see his phone on his nightstand, laying in silence, waiting for him to pick it up. When he had come back from his nocturnal adventure, he had turned it off since he had hoped to sleep until at least ten o’clock and didn’t want to get disturbed by the sound of his phone ringing. Right now, however, he was not sure whether to put his absence at this morning's training in the group chat. It probably would be the most grown-up thing to do (apart from maybe calling the captain and informing him in a real-life conversation that he would not be attending practice, somehow grownups always preferred to talk over the phone instead of just texting), yet, he really dreaded telling them why he would not be present. He wanted to avoid lying as much as possible, because every time he did, he could feel his face burning up, even from behind a screen. Guilt was probably one of the worst feelings ever invented, and if there was a price for the worst liar in town, he would probably win it hands down.

He was so distracted by his own wavering, that he only realised the doorbell had rung after he heard voices talking in the hall downstairs. One of them he identified as his mother's, but the other one, he did not recognise. He couldn’t make out what they were saying either, because his mother had never actually opened his bedroom door and therefore, the sound was dull and murmuring.

The conversation didn’t last very long. After less than a minute, Hinata heard his mother close the door again and this made his interest disappear within seconds. At first, he had questioned why someone would want to talk to them at seven in the morning, but now he thought it was probably a new delivery boy who couldn’t fit the newspaper in their mailbox. This intended to happen quite often, actually.

However, just as he was about to turn over under his sheets again, he noticed someone walking up the stairs with much more weight then his mother normally did and this was followed by a third knock on his door.

This time the person did not bother to wait outside.  
‘We’re going to be late for practice,’ Tsukishima said.

His face was unamused like always. Although, he did directly look at Hinata, who stared at him in disbelieve.

‘What are you doing here?’

Unresponsive, as if he was frozen in place, Tsukishima just stood in the doorway. It was only after a full minute of silence, that he started talking again.  
‘We’re going to be late for practice.’

This made Hinata unfreeze within seconds and he pulled up his sheets to his chin.  
‘I’m not going.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘No, I’m not. I’m sick.’

‘If you were sick, your mum wouldn’t have let me come to your room.’

‘She doesn’t know.’

‘Don’t be childish,’ Tsukishima said, abruptly cutting off their quick answer streak. He threw Hinata’s freshly washed sweater onto the bed and turned around. ‘Like I already said, we’re going to be late. So hurry up.’

With that being said, he walked out and closed the door behind him, so Hinata was left in complete confusion. Hinata could hear him going down the stairs again. and when he had reached their ground floor, it became completely quiet.

Hesitantly, he got up.

He was really torn between ignoring and following Tsukishima. If he did the first and just followed the plan he had made for himself a few hours ago, he was ensured of no one ever finding out about his scars, and maybe he could even manage to find some happiness outside volleyball. Going to practice, especially after what had happened yesterday, could still make his wounds open up and chances were that this time, someone other than Tsukishima would notice.

On the other hand, going with Tsukishima would give him a chance to talk to him without having to worry about other people overhearing their conversation. This time, Tsukishima had come to him, so it was possible that he would make that first move again and maybe then Hinata would find the courage to ask for some clarity. He couldn’t let his head run wild with questions every time he bumped into him. He needed answers and the only one able to give them to him was waiting downstairs for him.

That’s why he dressed up as quickly as possible and with his volleyball stuff in his bag, he left the safety of his room.

When he came downstairs, his mother didn’t say a word. She probably didn’t understand why someone she had never seen before, would come to collect her son for volleyball when practice was canceled, but Hinata was very grateful that she didn’t ask any questions. She just acted like she normally would and had prepared them both some breakfast.  
Probably only because he didn’t want to be impolite by refusing her offer while he had intruded their house so early in the morning, Tsukishima had sat down and he had gnawed on some scrambled eggs until Hinata had come in. Immediately, he stood up and pushed his chair back to its place at the table.

‘Thank you for your hospitality.’

‘No worries, no worries,’ Hinata’s mum smiled while picking up the plate of breakfast Natsu had refused to eat. She put it a bit further down the table, so the five-year-old wouldn’t get tempted to throw it all on the floor.

Hinata had actually seen his little sister do this several times when his mother wasn’t looking, but apparently, this didn’t mean she hadn’t noticed this act of protest.

‘Shoyo, I know you’re in a hurry, but take this. You shouldn’t be working out on an empty stomach.’  
His mother handed him two lunch boxes, which Hinata guessed would be filled with sandwiches and fruit, and she gave him a kiss on his forehead. After that, she gently pushed both of them to the door.

‘Thanks, mum!’ Hinata yelled while he followed Tsukishima outside to grab his bike. Coincidentally, he had left it in their front yard earlier that morning, which meant that it would make it a lot easier for them to leave.  
Tsukishima’s bike had been waiting next to his own, so they could quickly mount up and drive away.

‘Have a nice day, honey. See you in the afternoon!’ and Hinata gave her a quick wave before they took a turn and his house disappeared out of sight.

During their trip, Tsukishima was very quiet. In fact, he didn’t say a single word, until Hinata -halfway to the top of the mountain- blurted out a question that he deemed safe enough to start with.  
‘How did you know?’

Next to him, Tsukishima panted heavily, so it took him some time to answer.  
‘Is this…really…the time…you want…to start…a…conversation?’

‘Yes, because I don’t understand.’

‘Well, it’s…not like…I…always…understand…your actions.’

At this, Hinata immediately swallowed all the other questions he had wanted to ask. He did not know exactly what Tsukishima had meant by this, but he felt like it was perfectly possible that he had wanted to point out yesterday's events, without actually saying those words out loud.

Once they were at the top, Tsukishima took a few big breaths before, to Hinata’s surprise, he continued.  
‘Look, you bringing the sweater instead of doing what I told you to do, could only mean one thing. I know what the actions of a scared person look like, but fear is not something that should decide our actions.’

‘I’m not scared,’ defended Hinata himself. He didn’t know why he lied.

He just knew that, after this accusation, he needed to prove Tsukishima wrong. Maybe he had judged too early and he was indeed still angry that his messages had been ignored. Whatever it was, Tsukishima’s presence beside him, annoyed him to the bone.

‘Of course you are,’ Tsukishima answered shortly. Since they could roll down the mountain from now on, he sounded relieved, probably because the hardest part of their journey was over. ‘It’s pretty obvious actually.’

‘No, it’s not.’

‘Yes, it is.’

‘No, it’s-’

Annoyed, Tsukishima cut him off before Hinata could finish his sentence.  
‘You’ve never chickened out of volleyball, not when you threw up on Tanaka-sans lap and not when you hit the King in the head. You’re not scared anymore, you’re terrified.’

‘But why force me to come to practice?’ Hinata silently asked.

‘As I said, we shouldn’t let fear define us.’

And with that being said, Tsukishima picked up his pace to let him know their conversation had ended.

The rest of the way, Hinata thought about Tsukishima’s words.  
Fear is not something that should decide our actions… Of course, he agreed with this, but he also knew that it was way easier said than done. Fear was a strange emotion. The anxious feeling that crawled down his spine every time someone even looked at him for no reason or asked him a question that went further than the ordinary, was something that could never be described in detail. Therefore, the fact that Tsukishima held this against him, was completely unfair, he thought. It was easy for him to say. He didn’t have scars on his body that could define the way everyone would see him. He was just a bystander, without any idea how it felt to feel the urge to do something so…inhuman, to depend on the only thing that could distract him from everything inside. To call him a coward, while Tsukishima was the one who wasn’t even brave enough to start a conversation about it, was nothing more than the act of a total hypocrite.

When they arrived at the gym, Tsukishima didn’t act any different than he normally would have done. Without a word, he left Hinata to put his bike where Yamaguchi was standing and while Hinata got into a discussion with Kageyama about more imaginative insults, everything somehow went back to normal.


	10. Chapter 10

However, this had been the first time of a solid week that Tsukishima had picked him up and taken him to practice. Hinata had been completely startled when he had opened his curtains on Monday morning and had seen Tsukishima waiting for him in their front yard. Tsukishima staring at his phone, bored and looking like he’d rather be lying in bed, had been the last thing he had expected to see, but when, eventually, he had asked him why he would make the effort once more to climb all the way over the mountain, Tsukishima had answered that he’d told him that twice already and that he wasn’t going to do it again.

So Hinata had grabbed his bike, after which they took off in complete silence.

His mother had been glad to see he had finally made a friend who was not as socially incapable as Kageyama. The one time Kageyama had been over to study, she had questioned him afterward if everything was alright between them, because it had seemed like Hinata hadn’t wanted to study together in the first place and had been forced by the impending presence of his fellow first year. At least Tsukishima, she’d said, was someone who knew the word ‘‘manners’’.

With a faint smile, Hinata had just agreed to this, since he didn’t really feel up to having a discussion about his own perspective on how Tsukishima treated others. If she only knew about their one-sided messages, she would probably think twice before saying that.

Because Hinata really had tried to get more information on Tsukishima’s motive for helping him, but after Tsukishima had answered his sixth try with the announcement that he would block him if Hinata didn’t back off, he’d eventually given up. Nowadays, he just let himself be taken without counting on anything close to a conversation (since Tsukishima really wasn’t someone to start talking himself) and even though this made their rides quite awkward the first few days, by Wednesday Hinata started to get used to it. He thought it would be best if he let Tsukishima do his thing, while he would just do his own.

Sadly, however, this didn’t change anything about the nerves that still jumped on him every time he noticed Tsukishima being in the same room as him. It was weird, Hinata knew that, but he looked for him in places he would probably not be and he kept thinking about the few words said to him, like they were valuable pieces of a puzzle with a hidden meaning that could somehow make sense of the whole situation. He slowly became obsessed with them, so much that he stared at their conversation countless times in a day. In maths, his teacher even threatened that she would take his phone if he didn’t immediately put it away. Of course he knew it was stupid to be so focussed on those four messages, but over and over again he found himself unable to resist the temptation. He had to look to make sure they were real, that he wasn’t making up some story about how he had this weird relationship with his least favourite team member, just for the sake of entertainment for his own mind.

He. Was. Not. Crazy.

…

Right?

At Tuesday night, he wasn’t so sure anymore. For some reason, his energy had been magnified and his thoughts were racing even harder and louder than he’d thought possible. There was literally no stopping them, no matter how hard he tried to distract himself, and that was all because of the call Daichi-san had given him not ten minutes ago. Within seven hours they would have another practice match, this time against Date Tech High, and the weather forecast predicted nothing but sunshine. There hadn’t even been one drop of rain in the last few hours, so his excuse from the other day wouldn’t work this time. Besides, now that Daichi was captain again, Hinata felt even more incapable of lying. Daichi was way stricter than Ennoshita and could not at all be influenced by a good story. The chances of him letting Hinata wear his sweater were less than zero. Even if Hinata showed up with no volleyball clothes at all, he would somehow find a way to get him some Karasuno sportswear within minutes.

It was both a blessing and a curse, Hinata thought while pacing through his room and trying to think of something he could do to calm himself down.  
It was bad, he could feel it. His breathing had increased and he was trembling all over. But he didn’t want to admit that he was having a panic attack, because he knew that would make the situation worse. He would give in to it and then he would be swallowed. His only hope was clinging on to that one ounce of denial that could maybe prevent him from suffocating.

He didn’t even have the option to call in sick anymore. Tsukishima probably wouldn’t allow it and still show up at 6:30 to drag his ass to the gym like he had done for nine days now.

Although, what did it matter what Tsukishima would think? Hinata could still resist.

Probably a lot, actually, since Tsukishima knew his secret and maybe he would tell everyone.

No, Tsukishima wouldn’t do that.

But that did not change the fact that he couldn’t. There was always a possibility, no matter how small this seemed, and maybe, in a moment of anger, he would want to take revenge and tell the team about the last practice match. Or he could tell the team without even realising that he had exposed his secret. Or he could inform Takeda-sensei or coach Ukai or, even worse, his mother…  
Hinata forced himself not to look at his desk. He knew his saviour would be in there, but he also knew what the consequences would be of doing that the day before a match. It was the whole reason he was in this mess right now.

He couldn’t possibly…

So why was he still standing in front of his drawer?

He should keep moving.

Keep pacing.

That was the key.

It was the only thing he could do right now.

He couldn’t give in.

Keep.

Fucking.

Moving.

Eventually, he managed to turn around and while quickly grabbing his phone, he ran to the bathroom. There, he locked himself inside and he sat down on the cold marble floor. With his face buried between his knees, his hands grabbed his hair tightly and he let out a soft, frustrated sob.  
There was no running from this. He could move to the end of the earth, but he would always be in the presence of his own thoughts. He couldn’t stop them. He couldn’t change them.  
He couldn’t do anything.

* * *

After a while, Hinata still didn’t feel any better. Usually locking himself up in the bathroom, even without doing anything else like right now, he would eventually calm down enough for him to get back to his room and maybe even fall asleep. Though this time wasn’t like other times. He had no idea how long he had sat there, but when he unlocked his phone, it was almost 0:45. With a guilty feeling that he really should have been asleep right now, he automatically opened his messages and hesitantly, he stared at the absence of any new ones. He knew he couldn’t beat this on his own tonight. Even acknowledging this heavy feeling, made his stomach turn and, if he had been in his room right now, would have made him run to the toilet just in case.

But he had made it clear that he didn’t want to receive any new messages. Although, that hadn’t been emergencies.

Could this be considered an emergency?

Hinata didn’t know anymore. His brain had stopped making any effort to apply any sense to whatever situations his mind came up with, with as a result that even the most preposterous thoughts seemed normal. He was tired while having too much energy and at that moment he would do anything to make this torture end.  
Even if that meant asking Tsukishima for help…

[Hinata]: Are you awake?

…

[Hinata]: I think I need help

…

[Hinata]: I definitely need help  
[Hinata]: It’s really driving me crazy  
[Hinata]: But I don’t know what else to do…

…

[Hinata]: P-please

…

[Tsukishima]: Come to my house  
[Tsukishima]: It’s cold outside

Surprised, Hinata saw Tsukishima’s ‘online’ change into ‘offline’ before he had the chance to ask any questions. For a few seconds, he stared at the two messages.

Had he asked for too much?

He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had. Tsukishima didn’t want to know about his struggle, otherwise, he probably would have started talking about it. The silence that had met him when Hinata had sent his messages or tried to start a conversation on their way to school, was enough to prove Tsukishima was not interested in helping him to the extend that he could wear his hart on his sleeve around him. Even if Hinata would have felt the need to, Tsukishima wouldn’t want him to pour his heart out in front of him. That was literally the only thing that he had made clear in their communication the past few days.

On the other hand, Tsukishima probably did expect him to be on his way right now and it would be rude to keep him waiting for the rest of the night. Besides, Hinata was sure that going to Tsukishima’s house couldn’t possibly be worse than staying in this bathroom. He didn’t trust himself enough to spend the night back in his room, but he was also quite cold in his pyjama’s and there were no soft spots on the marble ground. If he were to stay here, he would force himself in a very uncomfortable situation, while he could also follow his curiosity and see for himself what Tsukishima had in mind.

Eventually, he chose the latter, and with a soft click, he opened the bathroom door.


	11. Chapter 11

Unlike the night he delivered Yamaguchi’s sweater to Tsukishima’s porch, Hinata did not stop on the top of the mountain to catch his breath this time. He was way too worked up to exhaust himself by cycling up a hill at his maximum speed and, to be honest, he was kind of nervous about meeting Tsukishima this late in the evening. Even though they had cycled together for the past week, he still felt uneased by the thought of being alone with Tsukishima. Unlike those half hours in the morning, this time they wouldn’t have something to do when it was quiet. The sole purpose of this meeting was to distract him (or help him, Hinata thought, but that didn’t settle his nerves any better than the thought of their upcoming practice match) so Tsukishima must have something in mind. Otherwise, they probably would be just sitting together in silence and that was something he could perfectly do at home by himself.

Unless Tsukishima just wanted to make sure that he didn’t do anything stupid…

He forced himself to concentrate on locking his bike since he knew that he wouldn’t be able to change anything by thinking at the speed of sound. Besides, with his fingers slightly trembling, this was hard enough and thus he needed the extra focus to actually put the key inside the lock.

When he finally heard a soft click, he put his keys in the pocket on the inside of his jacket and after taking one final big breath, he walked over to the porch of the Tsukishima’s. Not sure if he should ring the bell, he announced himself with a soft knock on the front door, which swung open not long after that.

With his usual expressionless face, Tsukishima let him inside and he closed the door behind them.  
‘Don’t take off your shoes,’ he said, even though Hinata hadn’t made any movements since he stepped a foot inside the warm hall. A small chandelier was illuminating the place and when Hinata looked up to take a better look at it, he saw Tsukishima in the reflection taking his own coat from the coat rack.

Curiously, he turned around, so he could look at Tsukishima in person.  
‘What are we going to do?’

‘Just follow me,’ Tsukishima replied.

After he finished putting on his coat, he opened the door again and he made a gesture to tell Hinata that he could go first. Without asking, Hinata did what he was told, but right after he was back outside, he halted because he had no idea where to go next.

Tsukishima locked the door, then waved him over and started walking around the house. In complete darkness, Hinata was afraid he might stumble or step on a frog or something like that, so he followed very carefully.

Besides the sound of their footsteps and occasionally a lost car passing by, he could only hear the sound of his own heartbeat racing through his chest, and with every step he took, he became aware of the fact that it was going way too fast. Tsukishima’s presence was so calm, yet big. Of course, this was his home, his safe place, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him that he would act so at ease. However, this thought didn’t help Hinata push away the feeling that he was like a sheep following the shepherd. He was tame and obedient, while Tsukishima dauntlessly led the way over the grass and then through some bushes. Something about his confidence made Hinata think that this wasn’t the first time he had walked this path in de middle of the night.

They didn’t stop until they reached a tree that, even in the darkness, seemed like the highest one within their surroundings and if Hinata hadn’t known any better, he would have thought that the top was touching the stars.

To his utmost surprise, Tsukishima bent his knees and he folded his fingers in front of him.  
‘Come on.’

‘You expect me to climb in there?’ Hinata asked confused, and even though Tsukishima would probably not be able to see it, he pointed at the tree.

‘If you’re gonna say that you’re afraid of heights, I will leave you here.’

‘I’m not afraid of heights, but it’s like 1:30 in the morning.’

‘So? It’s not like you were going to sleep anyway. Now come on.’

After a soft sigh, Hinata slowly walked over and he put his foot in the hold that Tsukishima provided him with. Tsukishima counted to three and then Hinata pushed himself up, while he felt the hands beneath him pushing him even further. Once he was able to grab a branch, he pulled himself up and he looked down to Tsukishima’s silhouette.

‘Okay, and now?’

‘Now we climb,’ Tsukishima said.

With his height, it was possible for him to climb up without any help, so within seconds they were at the same level again. They started climbing, although Hinata mostly just followed Tsukishima because he had no idea what the intention of this adventure would be. Higher and higher they went and even when Hinata thought that it would be enough, Tsukishima didn’t stop. While the branches became smaller with every step they took, Hinata did notice that he was able to see more of the world around them. If his eyes were not betraying him, he thought he even saw water glistening in the distance. Since Tsukishima lived quite close to the coast, it probably would be the ocean, although that would still be amazing. He didn’t go to the beach very often, but he had always liked the sight of the horizon spread out in front of him. It gave him space and with the crashing of the waves like music in his ears, his problems suddenly seemed a lot smaller, like he was just a pawn on the board that was called ‘earth’.

Eventually, they sat down on the highest branches that could possibly hold their weight, and with the trunk of the tree between them, Hinata could finally get a good look at what Tsukishima apparently wanted to show him.

The view was truly amazing.

Even though there was still a lot of ground below and in front of them, he could indeed see the ocean in the distance. Like a silver blanket between the mountains, the water glimmered in the light of the waning gibbous moon. Somehow he even thought he could smell the salt coming towards him.

‘This is awesome,’ he whispered, while his eyes kept processing every little detail he could pick up. The sky was even clear enough to see many stars looking down upon them. It truly was a sight from a fairy tale.

Tsukishima kept silent. From the corners of his eyes, Hinata could see him being just as mesmerized as he was. Unlike his normal, faceless expression, his mouth was pressed shut and his eyes had widened. Since this was one of the few of Tsukishima’s expressions he had ever witnessed, Hinata quietly wondered what it meant.

‘Do you come here often?’ he asked after they had been sitting there for a few full minutes. He didn’t really expect an answer, but he at least wanted to try to break the ice between them.

Therefore, his words sounded like shattering glass, when Tsukishima actually opened his mouth.  
‘I used to,’ he said in a voice that was both soft and steady. He pushed his glasses further up his nose. ‘But I haven’t been here in one year and four months.’

‘Really? But it’s such an amazing view!’ Hinata blurted out before he realised it was Tsukishima he was talking to and he quickly changed his tone to a much softer one. ‘If I lived here, I would probably come here every day.’

Tsukishima didn’t react to this. They were just sitting there, high in a tree, looking down to the world stretched out in front of them.

Hinata had always loved heights, yet this was a whole new definition of being high up in the air. If only he was able to jump this high and somehow stay there, he knew he would truly be invincible. Not particularly in a volleyball kind of way, but rather because he was sure he would be able to leave all his problems on the ground. When he was this high, even cars would be too small to hurt him. They would be like ants, crippling their way from one side of the mountain to the other and run over this heavy feeling, that always seemed to tie him down.

It would be buried and, eventually, be forgotten.

And then he would be free.

‘Did it work?’ Tsukishima suddenly asked, thereby interrupting Hinata’s fantasies and forcing his concentration back to the real world.

Slowly, Hinata started to become aware again of the fact that he was sitting in a tree and that he needed to hold the branch to prevent himself from falling. After that, he questionably looked at Tsukishima.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You needed a distraction, right?’ Tsukishima looked like his old self again, although his voice was still soft and gentle. ‘Did it work?’

For a few seconds, Hinata thought about this question and he examined what he was feeling at that exact moment. The heavy feeling and the pit of anxiety were still there. However, the panic that had almost made it impossible to breathe was gone. Like a clean stream, the air could flow into his lungs and cool down his overheated body, and he noticed right away that the need wasn’t as pushing as before.  
He may even be able to resist on his own from now.

‘Yes, I think so.’

Tsukishima nodded softly.  
‘That’s good.’

‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘How did you know this would work?’ Hinata asked since he felt the question boiling inside of him. Somehow, he didn’t feel scared anymore. He knew this evening everything was different between them. Even if Tsukishima would act like himself tomorrow, Hinata could feel that this was a special moment in which Tsukishima may not be as reluctant to answer his questions.

‘I didn’t,’ Tsukishima said. ‘I only figured that it was possible.’

‘But you said you haven’t been here in so long. Why think of it now?’

Tsukishima shrugged as if to tell him that he didn’t understand what the big deal was.  
‘It just popped up in my mind. Not everything needs to have a reason, you know. Sometimes things just…happen.’

Now it was Hinata’s turn to keep silent because he really didn’t know what to say about this. That’s why he just turned his attention to the view again and with Tsukishima at his side, he stared into the distance, hoping that somehow, this moment of somewhat peace could last way longer.

For the first time in months, maybe even years, he realised how it felt not to be alone.


	12. Chapter 12

When Hinata woke up the next morning, it took him a while to figure out what exactly had happened the night before. Unlike usual, he was not laying in his own bed and the bedroom in which he had awakened didn’t look at all like his own. This one was tidy, organised, and apart from the mattress on which he had slept, there was nothing that broke this impression.

Last night (it couldn’t have been more than two or three hours ago) Tsukishima had told him that there was no need for him to go back to his own house again. Apparently, his parents were in some hotel to celebrate the anniversary of their wedding day and his brother didn’t even live at home anymore. Therefore, it would be no problem for Hinata to stay, since Tsukishima now was the one watching over the house. At first, Hinata had wanted to refuse the offer, but eventually, he decided to let Tsukishima just have his way. He had this low-key feeling that Tsukishima had asked him to stay because he was still worried that it could go bad again and when Hinata would stay, he was at least there to try and stop him. This had not at all been obvious, however, when Hinata thought about how he had made them some tea after they’d gone inside, Tsukishima very subtly avoided him using a knife to cut the lemon and ginger. Even when Hinata had offered to help while he was looking for a kettle, Tsukishima had told him to sit down and just wait until everything was ready.

It had been a strange night and it didn’t feel real at all.

If someone had told him a day ago that he would spend the next night at Tsukishima’s, Hinata would never have believed it. Even now he was barely able to acknowledge the fact that he actually had a conversation with Tsukishima that didn’t involve them insulting each other every minute. It had been awkward and nice at the same time, and it really had taken his mind off things. It had given him the break that for so long he had been longing for, so apart from the fact that he had no idea how they would continue together from now on, he was more than thankful for the distraction.

Although, there was one thing that none of them had brought up this morning.

A bit ashamed that he had actually forgotten about it, Hinata realised that he still didn’t know what to do about the practice match that was now only an hour away, and because he wasn’t even in his own house, he had made it even more difficult for himself to find some solution that would keep everyone happy.

When he had dressed up and made sure he didn’t leave Tsukishima’s room looking like a mess, he considered asking Tsukishima what to do. He had helped him last time, so maybe there was a small chance that he would do that again, and secondly, Tsukishima may be able to think of something that he had not considered himself. Two heads were always better than one, especially when one of them was Tsukishima’s weird but very smart head.

As he was walking down the stairs, alongside some rumbling, Hinata could hear music coming from the kitchen. He didn’t recognise it, but somehow it didn’t seem to collide with the type of music Hinata had expected Tsukishima to listen to. It was powerful, yet somehow calm and steady, and compared to the music from nowadays, the guitar-riffs gave it an older kind of vibe.  
‘Morning,’ he said softly after he had walked in.

Tsukishima was standing by the stove, stirring something that made the room smell fantastic, and when he noticed Hinata, he took a remote control from the counter. While pointing it at some big device in the living room, the music suddenly stopped and it became somewhat silent in the kitchen again. Only the extractor hood made a buzzing sound, which Hinata was kind of thankful for. He still found the complete silences between them unnerving.

Tsukishima pointed to one of the chairs next to the counter, where two plates had already been laid out.  
‘Breakfast is ready.’

Hinata sat down and started fiddling with the cords of his sweater, while Tsukishima took the pan and scooped them both up some eggs and vegetables. After they also got some rice, miso soup, and tea, Tsukishima took his place beside him and they showed their gratitude. Then they started eating in silence.  
Hinata knew he had to say something. There literally wasn’t a better moment for him to ask Tsukishima since they probably would take off not long after they finished eating. It was early, but Hinata had not brought his volleyball-stuff with him when he came here, so they definitely had to leave within fifteen minutes.

Well, looking back at Tsukishima’s actions from the past weeks, it was probably ‘them’, even if that would mean that Tsukishima had to climb the mountain again. Somehow, Hinata didn’t think that this would be different than the practices that Tsukishima had forced him to attend.

As if reading his mind, Tsukishima laid down his spoon next to his empty bowl and opened up the conversation.  
‘Take your time. Your mother brought your stuff this morning.’

‘Wait, what?’ Hinata said, trying to process Tsukishima’s words. He didn’t really understand what was going on, but somehow he already knew it was something bad.

Tsukishima took a phone out of his pocket and he shoved it to Hinata.  
‘Your mother couldn’t stop calling you this morning. She offered to drop your stuff off when she went to her work. Next time, maybe tell her that you’re going out, smartass.’

‘Why did you take my phone?’

‘Because it was ringing.’

‘You could have woken me up,’ Hinata said. A little annoyed, he put his phone in the pocket of his sweater, after he had seen the notifications of six missed calls this morning.

‘Yes, but I didn’t.’

‘Why not?’

Tsukishima sighed deeply while pausing from taking a bite of his eggs.  
‘Because it was easier to pick up than to walk upstairs.’

‘But it’s my phone, and you would be furious if it were the other way around.’ Hinata felt himself getting angrier with the second, even though he knew it wasn’t just about Tsukishima picking up his phone. It was about his calm in the situation, his expectation that Hinata would just follow him to practice again and again, and about the fact that he didn’t even acknowledge his nerves. Besides, he remembered Tsukishima asking him to borrow his phone for a minute not four hours ago. He’d said it was because his own phone was low on battery, but since Hinata knew he didn’t use his phone after that, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Tsukishima had taken his phone on purpose to prevent him from saying anything in the Karasuno group chat. Because without his phone, he would not be able to call in sick, and then there was one less way for him to drop out of practice…

At the same time, he knew his head was taking it too far with the conspiracies. He was aware of the fact that it was driving him crazy, but somehow he couldn’t calm himself down like usual. He was angry, especially at Tsukishima, and he needed to get that out of his system.

Tsukishima now got a bit irritated himself.  
‘I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a phone call, relax.’

‘How can I possibly relax?’ Hinata blurted out. ‘I don’t even know what I’m gonna do about the whole practice match yet.’

To his surprise, Tsukishima just raised his eyebrows at this, which somehow fuelled Hinata’s frustration.  
‘Why do anything?’

Hinata stared at him in disbelieve. From all the times Tsukishima had pointed out his stupidity, this was maybe the one time that topped all the dumb comments Hinata had made himself, and that’s why he started to wonder if Tsukishima had secretly become senile in the past few weeks.  
‘You can’t possibly mean that.’

‘Why not?’ Tsukishima said, now completely giving up his breakfast and looking at Hinata, who had stood up and was meeting his gaze with clenched fists.

‘You really want to experience nights like these for the rest of your life?’

‘That has nothing to do with that.’

‘Of course it has. What else do you think I have been trying to tell you?’

Hinata growled softly.  
‘I can’t just do that and you know it. That is not the way.’

‘Then what is?’ Tsukishima asked while crossing his arms. ‘Because it’s not like you’ve really been proactive in actually doing something about it.’

‘Shut up,’ Hinata shouted. ‘You have no right to say something like that. You have no idea what I’m going through.’

‘Nope, you’re right, I don’t. But that is not really the problem, is it?’ Tsukishima slightly narrowed his eyes. ‘The problem is not me not knowing. The problem is you not telling. It’s not my place to tell someone, it’s yours. You can’t keep relying on other people to come to you. You have to do it yourself by actually reaching out. If you don’t, no one will notice because that’s just not how the world works.’

‘You think I don’t know that?’

‘Apparently you don’t. When you have a problem, there are two options: you either make excuses for yourself and you keep hurting, or you do something about it. The choice is always yours, no matter what happens. I found out, yes, but I am not the one capable of fixing this. It’s your choice to reach out to someone who can actually mean something.’

‘It’s not that easy,’ Hinata said. ‘You make it sound like my choice is the only thing that matters. It’s not. There are so many other things that get affected.’

‘Like what? Other people finding out?’ Tsukishima asked. ‘So what? This is your journey, not theirs. It’s not their place to make judgments about your journey, so if that happens, it says more about them than about you.’

Hinata could not believe that Tsukishima really was as empathetic as a stone. How could he not understand the consequences of people finding out? It was so much more complicated than he tried to make him see.  
‘It’s not just about them finding out. It’s about hurting them, about me not wanting them to have to deal with me. I know that they can’t make this better for me, so I really don’t see the point in making a fuss about something that they can’t do anything about.’

‘There are people who can help you and all you have to do is ask. You’re just too scared of what they might think of you, but, as I said, fear is not something that should control our lives.’

‘No, because you should control my life,’ Hinata snapped back, which made Tsukishima’s eyes widen for a second. After that, Tsukishima jumped up from his chair, and angrily, he grabbed Hinata by his sweater.

‘Listen to me. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so stop making fucking excuses for yourself and man up. You’re a fucking coward right now and if you really think that this is the way to go, then you’re fucking stupid too.’

Furiously, Hinata tore himself free from Tsukishima’s grip and he marched to the door. He was completely done here.

Tsukishima could go fuck himself.

He was not going to listen anymore to Tsukishima calling him a coward or being stupid. He already did that enough to himself every day, so the last thing he needed was someone he surprisingly had started to trust, to tell him the same thing over and over again. There was no way he would allow himself to be bullied anymore.

Without bothering to ask where his mother had dropped his volleyball-stuff, he raced out the door and grabbed his bike. He did not look back to see if Tsukishima was coming after him, but he also didn’t really care. All that mattered right now was putting as much distance between himself and that annoying, cocky beanpole, who thought he had the right to tell others what was best for them.

He had a strong feeling that he would never set a foot in that house again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhmmm yeah heavy scène I guess...? At least, I hope so haha.  
> I just wanted to say here, that I didn't write this conversation with the intention to show you who is right and who is wrong. For me personally, Hinata and Tsukishima both have a point and it's not just black and white here. I think I just wanted to raise awareness and make you think about the topic. What do you think? Do you think one of them is right/wrong? If you can relate to Hinata, how is this situation for you? What is holding you back? etc. I think you get the idea. 
> 
> I do hope that this doesn't trigger anything for anyone. But if it does, know that there are always people who want to listen. Maybe it will help if you talk about the situation, about your thoughts. Or write it down as I did. 
> 
> I hope you had a lovely Christmas and love from me :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.  
> WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Because this chapter contains very very dark thoughts. Please, if you have not listened to my previous warnings but can be triggered by certain words or something, please do not read this chapter. I put them down to show other people what it could be like, but that's all.  
> I promise to make the next chapter in such a way, that you can still understand what has happened in this one without actually reading it because even though I really love all your comments etc. they are not the goal of this story. I want you to be safe Your safety ALWAYS comes first!!!!!!!
> 
> Well, I am going to write more now, but if I do not succeed in making a new chapter this evening, I hope you have a lovely new year!!  
> In that case, see you in 2021!!!!

Without actually knowing where to go, Hinata cycled around for what could have been an hour. He had so much energy that he simply didn’t want to stop, so even though he knew there would be no one there to question why he was home during the day, he just passed his house and raced through his neighbourhood. Many times, a car honked at him or people yelled that he should use his eyes, but he didn’t care. He had to get away from it, from the memories that kept stabbing him like knives.

He didn’t understand how Tsukishima could have been so mean. Sure, they had hated each other from the moment they had met, but this was different.

This was serious.

Now they hadn’t quibbled about being annoying or dumb, because they had both known that this was way too important for daily insults. Or so he had thought. Apparently, Tsukishima really didn’t give a fuck about anything. He just said what was on his mind and when he was annoyed, he would let everyone know without caring about how that might affect others. He really was just a heartless bastard that didn’t feel the need to even try to understand the fact that others had something called ‘feelings’.

Although the most hurtful thing wasn’t that Tsukishima turned out to be even more emotionally incapable than Hinata previously had thought. It was the trust that had been broken in just a single moment and the thought that from now on he would be alone again, really killed him. Only now he realised how much he had come to trust that bastard. It had never been his intention and he had even told himself occasionally that Tsukishima’s help didn’t mean anything as long as he kept ignoring his messages, but it must have happened very slowly over time, so he wouldn’t have been able to notice it. Without actually being aware of it, he had been climbing higher and higher, and now that his support had given way, he was falling deeper than ever.

And it hurt.

A lot.

When eventually Hinata reached the edge of a small forest, he finally slowed down and jumped off his bike. His breath was going insane and his fingers were trembling so much, that he had great difficulty in forcing his key into the lock.

After a few minutes of struggling, he gave up and just walked into the forest.

Even though he knew of its existence, this was his first time coming here. It was quite far from his home and because of that, he simply had never taken the time to explore this side of the town. Therefore, he was surprised to see that the path he was walking on, led to the top of a high hill, which might have been even close to the hight of the mountain that he had to climb to get to school, and it made him realise how focused he had been on his own neighbourhood. Never in his life, he had expected to find a hill this high in the other part of his town.

Apart from a couple of birds singing some melody that was way too happy for this moment, it was quiet in here. The trees seemed to block out all the noise from the outside world, which caused Hinata to be alone with his thoughts. He felt himself unable to block out Tsukishima’s words, so with every step he took, he was forced to listen to the echo of their conversation.

Not being proactive.

Not telling.

Relying on other people.

Making fucking excuses.

Fucking coward.

Fucking stupid.

It was easy for him to say. He was just a bystander.

He couldn’t possibly understand what it was like and how much more complicated the situation was. If it really had been as simple as ‘‘just telling someone’’, of course he would have done that already. But it was not. Because every time he had opened up in the past, he had ruined everything, one way or another, and those had been times that he hadn’t even told anyone his worst feelings. He had acted just a bit more like his true self than normal and still no one appreciated what he had to say. Maybe that was just the truth. Nobody was waiting for him to share the darkest corners of his mind, because nobody wanted to be responsible for keeping his secrets. They could get angry now because they wanted to know what was going on, but actually, no one would want to know the truth. Nobody wanted to know what he did to punish himself or find peace in his mind. It was too dark and because they would both know that every attempt of making light would fail, no one would actually want to try.

Besides, no one liked walking around in the dark.

His heart made a little jump when a bird suddenly flew out of some bushes and made him stop walking. It was only then that he noticed his phone vibrating in the pocket of his jacket. He took it out and after he had declined, he saw that it was the fourth time that Sugawara had called him. Half an hour ago, Daichi-san and Yamaguchi each had called him twice.  
He hadn’t even told them that he was not coming to the match. Maybe Tsukishima had come clean about everything and they were now all worried about where he would be. Takeda-sensei might even have called his mother.

Although then he probably would have received some missed calls from her too, so he figured he would be kind of safe on that matter.  
His screen lit up again and this time it was Tsukishima who tried to reach him. Hinata didn’t hesitate one bit and immediately pushed the decline button. Following Tsukishima’s second try of a conversation, Hinata received a few messages from him.

[Tsukishima]: Are you okay??????  
[Tsukishima]: This is Yamaguchi btw  
[Tsukishima]: Please Hinata :(  
[Tsukishima]: Don’t mind Tsukki, he can really be a big dick

They were the last messages Hinata received, before shutting off his phone. There was no use in keeping it on if everyone kept bothering him, he thought while putting it back in his pocket again.


	14. Chapter 14

After three hours of walking around trying to escape his thoughts, Hinata had figured that it would be best if he went home again. He had been exhausted.

He had still been annoyed and angry about everything that had happened, but with only two, maybe three, hours of sleep that night, his body simply couldn’t bring up the energy anymore to rage his way through the forest. Besides, it would have gotten dark soon and when that would happen, he’d rather be at home than in a neighbourhood that he knew nothing of.

That evening was filled with thoughts about what he had to do about his teammates. If he kept his attendance up for the rest of the semester, his mother would never know that he had skipped school for the whole day, but sadly, that wouldn’t work with his friends. First, he had abandoned them for the practice match in the morning and then he hadn’t even shown up to class. They must have been very angry when they found out that he just skipped the whole day, especially the third years. Sugawara-san and Daichi-san always scolded Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san for causing trouble in class, so he actually didn’t want to imagine what they would say to someone who had not been in class at all. It had been worse enough when he had failed three of his exams and had to trade the extra volleyball training for extra study hours. Right now, he had probably broken their trust as well (since they must have depended on him as a regular), so being said in other words: he was in more shit than he had ever been.

He did not open his messages until that next morning. Apart from the ones from Yamaguchi that he had seen, he didn’t expect many others to be just as forgiving. Kageyama took the cake with 54 messages of which at least the last one said that he was a ‘‘stupid stupid boke’’. Normally, Kageyama’s insults did not frighten him one bit. This time, however, now that even Ennoshita and Narita had sent him some questions that he didn’t want to look at, he was absolutely terrified and none of the excuses that he came up with, felt good enough to soothe this fear.

Well, what could he say? ‘‘Sorry I dumped all of you, but I was mad at Tsukishima’’? It was pathetic. He was pathetic, although that didn’t strike him as something new.

Besides, his excuse also kind of depended on what Tsukishima had told them. From the fact that Yamaguchi had used Tsukishima’s phone and told him that he shouldn’t mind Tsukishima’s comments, Hinata concluded that at least one person knew of their fight, but the question was if the others knew too. Maybe he only told Yamaguchi. Or maybe he had just told everyone since he didn’t want to be responsible anymore. The only thing Hinata could do about this was wait and see what would happen. Eventually, he had made up some different excuses, so that when he would see his teammates and they started asking questions, he could shape these into the best answer possible.

Yet, he was still nervous as hell, when he locked his bike in the Karasuno High bicycle storage at almost 7:00. Before he left, he had sent every one of his teammates, except for Tsukishima himself, a group message that he would like to explain in person what had happened and that, therefore, he would really appreciate it if they would give him the chance to do so. While he was on his way, Sugawara had called him again, and after he had made sure that Hinata was okay, he promised to gather Daichi and the rest of the team, so Hinata didn’t have to tell his story more than once. Even after their call, Hinata silently thanked Sugawara for being so kind and forgiving.

‘SHOYOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Startled, Hinata turned around and he saw Nishinoya-senpai running towards him. Much to his surprise, Nishinoya looked very happy and he had his arms stretched to the sky as if he was going to run him over by giving him a big hug.

Not really sure if it was appropriate to meet his senpai with the same enthusiasm, Hinata halted.  
‘Hi,’ he said a bit awkwardly, while he grabbed the strap of his bag to have something to hold onto.

However, Nishinoya seemed not to notice his nervousness, and the moment he got close, he pulled Hinata towards him by putting an arm around his shoulder. In this uncomfortable position, they started making their way to the gym.  
‘You got some balls, mate,’ he laughed almost hysterically. ‘Please teach me how to skip a whole day of school without setting Daichi-san and Suga-san on fire.’

‘I-I’m sorry for-’

‘Seriously, don’t you think it’s unfair that you can literally do anything without making them mad? The moment everyone realised you were not coming, Suga-san freaked out and Daichi had to let Ennoshita do the introductions with Date Tech High, so he could calm him down. You should have seen their faces, it was incredible and actually also kind of hilarious. I really think those two have some secret relationship. Only Daichi would be able to calm Suga-san down when he starts to freak out.  
But seriously, can you imagine Suga-san going crazy because I’m not there? Honestly, I think he would be more calm than ever.’

‘I’m sorry for leaving you,’ Hinata tried again, which was met by Nishinoya’s face changing in an instant from incredibly happy to a face almost as serious as his face during the finals with Shiratorizawa.

At this, Hinata felt his anxiety gnawing in his stomach, like a rat trying to free its way out of danger.

When Nishinoya made a face like this, something bad was definitely going to happen. He even dropped his arm, so they both walked freely again.  
‘Look, Shoyo,’ he said. ‘Of course I understand why you didn’t tell the third years. I think we all want a day off from time to time. But I’m your senpai and you know I won’t judge. Just disappearing, really is a dickish move.’

Hinata felt his face going red.  
‘I know, and I am really sorry.’

‘Next time, please just tell me when you decide to take some time off so you can take me with you.’

Confused, Hinata stared at Nishinoya, who slowly started grinning again.  
‘W-what?’

‘Oh, come on!’ Nishinoya laughed. ‘I’m your senpai! Your bro! The least you can do when you take off is ask me if I want to tag along. Do you know how much fun we could have if we would spend all day together while everyone else is suffering in the classroom? We could go to the amusement park and not wait in line for a single thing or we could go to the beach and eat so many pork buns that we can’t do anything other than lay on our asses for the rest of the day. We should definitely do that some time!’

‘Seems fun,’ Hinata smiled, after which Nishinoya went along with his fantasies about everything they could do next time and they walked up the stairs to the clubroom.

There, the rest of the team was already waiting for them -well, everyone was there except for Tsukishima. Apparently, he had called a few minutes ago to say that he was running a bit late and even though he had not told the reason for that, none of the Karasuno team members seemed to be really bothered.  
Honestly, Hinata thought his absence really was kind of a relief. With his nerves already being more than his nerves for all the official matches in the past combined, he really wasn’t prepared for another fight with that annoying brat. He knew he really wouldn’t care if Tsukishima didn’t show his arrogant face to him in the following weeks. Maybe then he would be able to calmly ask why in the hell he thought it was okay to insult him like that, but for now, his absence was more than a blessing.

Their team meeting didn’t last as long as Hinata had thought. He apologised to Daichi-san and Sugawara in person, then to the whole team altogether and he told them some stupid excuse about an emergency at his grandparents' house, as a result of which his attention for volleyball had been completely directed at the chaos that had been going on there. It was not his best work and he had felt

Yamaguchi staring at him the whole time, yet in the end, no one had questioned him. Even Kageyama had mumbled something about him then being a boke for not telling them that it had been an emergency. When he had been one of the last to leave the clubroom, Yamaguchi had just given him a short hug.

‘Just because,’ he’d said when Hinata had asked him what it was for.

At this, Hinata took a big breath to calm the panicked rats inside of him and he looked Yamaguchi straight in the eye.  
‘You should not be the one cleaning up Tsukishima’s shit all the time, you know.’

Yamaguchi chuckled.  
‘I’m not, I promise. Although that does not mean I can’t give people a hug from time to time.’

‘He really is a horrible human being.’

‘Well,’ Yamaguchi sighed without letting his smile drop. ‘he’s definitely…challenging, yes. But I think he just has trouble in saying what he actually feels.’

‘It didn’t seem like he had any trouble yesterday,’ Hinata growled. ‘I think I actually liked him better when he’s just ignoring everyone.’

‘That’s Tsukki for you.’ Yamaguchi walked over to his locker and he started changing into his sportswear. He put his phone and his sweater in his bag, before continuing.

‘Look, please don’t ask me to explain his actions, because I would probably not be able to, nor do I think that he’s always right. However, I do know that Tsukki never does anything without a reason and just because we can not understand his logic, does not mean that we are allowed to judge him for that.’

Still, Hinata found it hard to push his anger aside. Even trying to imagine that somehow Tsukishima had valid reasons to call him stupid and unmotivated to fight for change, didn’t help in taking a tiny bit of his fury away. Tsukishima judged his situation, so why couldn’t he do the same the other way around?

Only because Hinata didn’t want to put Yamaguchi any more on the spot than he’d already done, he kept quiet after this. He changed into his own sportswear, while they chatted a bit more about the manga that Yamaguchi had started reading a few weeks ago. Apparently, its author was planning on making a sequel, which Yamaguchi was very excited about. Hinata let him chatter on since he still hadn’t read a single chapter himself, and after he was done changing, he waited for his fellow first year, so they could walk to the gym together.

Right before they headed out, he noticed a new message on his phone.  
It was from Tsukishima and apparently, it had been sent not too long ago:

[Tsukishima]: Stop running.

In a rage of anger, Hinata quickly typed an answer, so Yamaguchi would not be able to notice that something was going on. Then he threw his phone in his bag with much more force than he had intended to, and ran after Yamaguchi, who was already outside.

* * *

However, the training took a surprising turn when after the halfway break, Takeda-sensei suddenly came bursting into the gym. His face was red and he was completely out of breath. So much, that coach Ukai felt the need to get a chair for him, but, against his whole personality, he aggressively refused. He’d slammed the folding chair away and told them all to listen. Hinata didn’t think he’d ever seen Tanaka-san and Nishinoya-san fall quiet this quick.

  
‘It’s Tsukishima,’ Takeda-sensei panted heavily. ‘I just got off the phone with his parents. He’s in the hospital.’


	15. Flashback

‘Yams,’ he said on a very dreary morning when they had been sitting in silence for a while. On Saturday, they always studied together after practice. It was an agreement that they had made when they were still in primary school, but since then, they had both found it the easiest way to get their homework done at the start of the weekend. Even though they never talked much during studying, they often took a stroll around the neighbourhood at break time, and then Yamaguchi would tell him the most interesting stories he’d picked up on the internet.

For him, there was great comfort in hearing Yamaguchi talk.

Tsukishima looked up from the maths equations that had been laying in front of him for the past twenty minutes. He hadn’t been able to complete even a single one.

‘Yes?’  
Probably glad to have an excuse to take a break, Yamaguchi put down his English homework and looked at him. Tsukishima knew that from that moment, none of his thoughts were about English anymore.

‘Can we talk about something?’

‘Of course! You know you don’t have to ask that.’

‘But it’s about…’

Hesitantly, he fell quiet. He could not find the courage to speak the words needed to refer to Yamaguchi’s secret. Normally, he would not be the one to start off a conversation about this topic. Since he was the only one who knew, he did not feel like it was his place to ask any questions. If Yamaguchi wanted to talk about it, he never interrupted and just listened to what he had to say.

Yamaguchi, who was sitting on his bed, curled up his legs and wrapped his arms around his knees. His smile dropped.  
‘What do you want to ask?’ he said with a voice that was way more silent than before.

Tsukishima turned his chair, so they directly faced each other. However, he dared not look into Yamaguchi’s eyes. It had been weighing on his mind for some time and right now he felt like he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Every day, every hour that passed without him saying, was an opportunity lost and a chance for the situation to get way worse.  
‘I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.’

‘Please, just say it. You’re starting to scare me like this.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Tsukishima said, worried that the conversation had already turned in the wrong direction. Yet, he knew he had to say it, because if he wouldn’t, he may never feel brave enough again to address the issue.

He took a big breath.  
‘I think you need to go to a doctor.’

Yamaguchi silently bit his lip, which Tsukishima could see even from his place at Yamaguchi’s desk. There was no turning back now.

‘I know you don’t want to tell anyone else and that you’re afraid of your parents finding out, but I am no professional. How badly I want to, does not matter; I am in no condition to help you.’

‘But,’ Yamaguchi said in a way that made Tsukishima think that he was talking to a small child. ‘you already help me by just being here. I can talk to you and you listen. That’s all I need.’

‘I think we both know that is not true.’

He really hated this. He hated arguing with Yamaguchi, especially when it was about something so deep and personal and he had to tell Yamaguchi that he was mistaken. Basically, he would be telling his friend that there was something very wrong with him and he could bet on all of his savings that he was the only person Yamaguchi could not bear to hear these words from.

‘You may think now that you are able to manage just fine and that that’s enough. But you’re still surviving, instead of living. Every day, you’re struggling with the desire to hurt yourself and even though the storm from before may seem to have subsided, it can easily flare up again. The fact that you’re not sailing alone anymore, does not mean that the waves aren’t high enough to overwhelm you and when that happens, I’ll have no idea what to do to help you.’

‘When that happens…’

‘Sorry?’

Yamaguchi had spoken in a soft whisper. This time, he cleared his throat before speaking a bit louder.  
‘When that happens, do you not have faith in me?’

‘It is not a matter of faith,’ Tsukishima answered while pushing his glasses further up his nose again. This had become a habit of him, whenever he felt like he would be devoured by his own feelings. It really crushed him that he had to hurt Yamaguchi this way because Yamaguchi would never have done the same thing to him if the roles had been reversed.

‘I just think it is better to prevent than to recover from something worse. If you think about it, is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?’

To this, Yamaguchi did not answer. He had closed his eyes and little tears were starting to create dark stains on his pants. Every now and then, he let out a soft sob.

After a few minutes of Tsukishima pretending that he was waiting on the answer to some math question, Yamaguchi finally looked up.  
His eyes were red and puffy.

‘You don’t understand. The fact that I can talk to you about this without tearing up every time and feeling like I’m being choked by my own secret, is something that even I can’t explain. Don’t you think I ever tried to ask for help? I tried and I still do. But I can’t just walk up to someone and tell them everything I’ve done. It would break my parents. They’ve already been through so much and even now, they are not waiting for more trouble. Besides, I don’t even think they would understand and I can’t explain it to them, because I don’t understand it myself. There is literally nothing I can tell them as to why I even started in the first place.’

‘Don’t you think your parents want you to be healthy?’ Tsukishima asked when he was sure Yamaguchi was done talking. ‘If you had a son and he would be struggling like you are, wouldn’t you want him to be honest to you about it?’

‘It’s not fair of you to drop that question on me. Of course I want my own son to be honest with me, but that would be a completely different situation. To equate that to mine right now is like saying you and Kageyama are the same, just because you both play on the Karasuno volleyball team.’

‘I may despise the King with literally every ounce of hatred I can summon, but in the end, we both want to win Nationals. It pains me to admit this and if you ever tell anyone, I’ll make sure-’

‘Do not say that you and Kageyama have more in common than people might think because you don’t,’ Yamaguchi interrupted him. ‘Literally the only thing Kageyama has on his mind is volleyball and milk, and maybe Hinata now and then. You’re so much more than that.’

‘And yet, we both are a bunch of pain in the asses,’ Tsukishima said, even though he was touched by Yamaguchi’s words. He could not get distracted. Yamaguchi needed help as soon as possible and at the moment, he might be the only one capable of persuading him.

He leaned over, so his elbows could rest on his knees and his eyes were on the same level as Yamaguchi’s.  
‘Please, Yams. This may work on short notice, but think about the long term. I will not always be able to be there when you need someone to distract you or someone to talk to. What do you think will happen when we both go to a different university? Or get different jobs? Maybe one of us even moves to another prefecture. What then?’

‘You don’t want me to bother you with my problems anymore?’  
Yamaguchi did not look at all surprised. He had even spoken like there wasn’t any doubt and he knew the answer already.

However, Tsukishima felt frustrated that Yamaguchi had even dared to suggest it.  
‘That’s bullshit. When have I ever said that?’

‘You didn’t have to,’ Yamaguchi said quietly. ‘I see it in the way you answer my questions and how relieved you are when we finally start talking about something else. Whenever I bring it up, your answers become short and without much expression. You always talk about the reasoning behind it, the chances, the logic, and what to do about it, instead of just accepting that I feel this way, or you try to cheer me up so we don’t have to go into detail about anything. And, maybe most importantly, you have never ever told me how you feel. You said your feelings do not matter and maybe they don’t, but I’m not talking to some therapist. I’m talking to my friend.’

‘Then why do you always look at me like I have to do something about it?’ Tsukishima snapped. Maybe he would have been able to keep his temper if he hadn’t been so nervous at the start of the conversation, but now Yamaguchi had opened a dam and there was nothing he could do to stop his hurt and anger from escaping. Everything he had kept to himself the last few months freed itself from the cage that he had been sure to lock so tightly, and, as much as he knew he would regret this later on, there was only one way in which he could direct it.

‘I am not the person you should talk to about this. I’m just a normal guy. I can’t fix this for you, because I don’t know how. I’m not some kind of hero.’

‘I’m not asking you to be a hero,’ Yamaguchi said, while more tears found their way from the corners of his eyes to the wet stains on his sweater.

‘Though I guess you never liked people depending on you. Next time, I recommend not asking what’s wrong in the first place. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’

With that being said, he dried his cheeks and deliberately picked up his English homework again, so Tsukishima would know that this was the end of their conversation.

Tsukishima looked at him for a moment, silently hoping Yamaguchi would not leave it at this. He saw his eyes dashing from left to right, focused on the book in front of him and indicating he really had gone back to studying. Although, since his mouth was pressed shut, Tsukishima knew it was only a move to shut him out.  
With a sigh, he turned to his math equations again.

He had made a mistake and he knew this.

On top of that, he knew that he could never completely fix what just had happened. His words would leave a scar that could heal, but could never be forgotten.

‘Do you want me to leave?’ he asked after he realised his math homework would not be done by the end of the afternoon.

Yamaguchi’s answer came after a short silence.  
‘I just want to throw something at your head. If you’re fine with that, you can stay.’

They did not go out for a break that day.  
Instead, Tsukishima finished the first equation, then made them both some lunch, which they ate in complete silence.

It had been the last time Yamaguchi had spoken so openly about his struggle to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a day off from school today (okay I gave myself a day off same thing :P) so that's why I already have a new chapter. I want to do this more often, especially since week keep coming closer to the end now, but sadly that's not how the world works. However, now that my two biggest assignments are submitted, maybe I'll manage to post more often.  
> But we'll see haha.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter :D
> 
> (Also, shoutout to the people who keep commenting on sort of a regular basis. I really love to read your comments <3)


	16. Chapter 16

For over an hour now Hinata had been staring at his phone.

[Hinata]: Piss off

He had said it in a moment of anger, of hurt, but it was only now that he realised that he had not meant it so literally. Never in a thousand years would he have wanted this to happen. He would not wish this upon anyone, not even while he was still angry at Tsukishima, so he thought it was highly unfair for something like this to be able to happen in the first place.

Accidents.

Stupid accidents.

No one intended for them to happen, yet the consequences were catastrophic. Normally, he was not someone to believe in something as ‘‘bad luck’’. Disadvantages, yes, like being small in volleyball, but that only meant that his way to the top was harder and maybe even longer than the way for someone like Kageyama. The way itself would still be there and it probably was this belief, that had always thrived him to fight with everything he got.

This time, however, he knew the situation had gone beyond the concept of disadvantage. Being hit by a car out of the blue was not a setback, it was just cruel.

His screen went black, yet this time, he made no effort to keep it alive. He knew he had to focus on something else, otherwise, he would definitely go crazy. Thus he put his phone back in his pocket and buried his face into his hands. His gaze fell onto Yamaguchi’s backpack, which was laying on the ground between his feet.

After Takeda-sensei had told them that Tsukishima had been in an accident, Yamaguchi had been the only one allowed to leave school. Apparently, the situation was severe enough that Tsukishima’s parents explicitly had asked for him to come to the hospital and Takeda-sensei had even offered to drive him there.

Yamaguchi hadn’t even taken the time to change into his normal clothes. He’d barely accepted Kinoshita’s sweater when Ennoshita had said that he would catch a cold if he went out like this. Looking back at that moment, Hinata still felt his panic and fear, even though he had been mostly confused himself.

When the two had left, Kageyama had been the only one to continue practicing. At first, Tanaka and Nishinoya had been angry at him for being so heartless, but soon enough after Daichi-san had told them to shut up, Hinata noticed that this had just been his way of coping with the news and that he was not fine at all. His timing had been so off, that from all the serves he had done, only two had landed in the court on the opposite side of the net. Still, he kept going, probably so he would not think about what was going on outside of the gym.

The rest of the team had spent the remaining of their training time sitting in silence. At that moment, perhaps none of them had known the right thing to say. Even though the second and third years had sat in a small circle together, Hinata couldn’t bear the thought of making a team circle without Tsukishima, so he had curled up in a corner created by a pile of mats from the gym. With Nishinoya at his side, he had kept staring at the bathroom door, secretly hoping that Tsukishima would just walk out of there and scold them for being all pathetic and sensitive. It felt like a long time ago that he had given him Yamaguchi’s sweater.

He was not sure what he would have done if he could have gone back to that exact moment, but he did know that everything would be better than this. The whole day, Sugawara-san had tried to cheer them up by telling them that it would all be fine and that Tsukishima would be back before they knew it, and this positivity had been working immensely on his nerves. On the other hand, the silence of his other teammates wasn’t helping either. Even Tanaka and Nishinoya, who usually were the loudest of them all, were calm and collected as if they knew for the first time that this was not the moment to be wild or reckless.

This realisation sickened Hinata even more. If those two were calm, it was serious- like, more serious than their-finals-against-Shiratorizawa-serious. It kept him from believing the lies he tried to tell himself and because of this, he found it really hard to concentrate on his lessons during the day. Luckily, his teachers never called on him. Takeda-sensei must have explained the situation to them and Hinata was very thankful for this since he didn’t think he would be able to handle anything else at the moment. His thoughts and confusion were enough to make the day last forever. Not once did he touch his packed lunch that day.

‘Hinata?’

Not really caring about his facial expression, which probably looked way more irritated than he had intended, he looked up to find Sugawara’s worried gaze falling down on him.  
‘You know it’s going to be okay, right? He will wake up soon.’

‘Right, yeah,’ Hinata nodded slowly, only because he really didn’t feel the motivation to tell the third year a piece of his mind.

He then noticed all the teammates who had accompanied him to the hospital after school, standing in a small circle around him. Kageyama’s face was as expressionless as ever.

‘Since they told us that he’s stable now and they’re just going to keep monitoring him through the night, we’re going home to get some sleep. We can come back tomorrow before school.’

‘I’m not going,’ Hinata said immediately. It hadn’t even been a question. He just knew that he had to be abrasive to be able to convince Daichi and Sugawara to let him stay.

They had been here for almost two hours now and they hadn’t even been able to see Tsukishima or Yamaguchi once. Upon their arrival, Tsukishima’s mother had come to them to shortly explain what had happened, but in the end, she couldn’t really give them anything they didn’t know already. Tsukishima had been on his way to school, had been hit by a car and now he was fighting for his life, while they were all sitting here without doing anything, and, maybe most frustrating, the driver had been discharged with no severe injuries. It was horrific and highly, highly unfair.

‘You have to sleep, boke,’ Kageyama said in his own aggressive, but caring way and Sugawara crouched down, so they were on the same level with each other.

‘Kageyama’s right. You should get some rest. Tsukishima doesn’t get any better by you staying awake.’

‘No, but maybe Yamaguchi does.’

A short silence followed, in which they both stared at each other. Hinata tried not to look angry, although he didn’t know if his effort had any effect.  
In the end, Sugawara just nodded softly and he gave Hinata a short hug.  
‘Take care of yourself then. Text me if you need anything.’

‘Thank you,’ Hinata said, after which he let go and managed to produce a faint smile. Then, Kageyama dropped himself in the chair beside him and Hinata looked at him with raised eyebrows.

‘Can’t let you have a first-year party without me, can I,’ Kageyama mumbled, putting his hands into his pockets and trying to hide his somewhat blushed cheeks in the collar of his jacket.

Luckily for him, the other Karasuno team members were all able the resist the urge to comment on this and even though Hinata saw Nishinoya and Kinoshita exchanging looks, they too went outside after they had wished them good luck.

The two of them were left in an almost empty waiting room. Apart from the staff passing through and the two ladies sitting at the desk in the corner, there only was one old man sitting by the window and humming some melody that Hinata didn’t recognise.

Kageyama must think he was crazy- staying for someone like Tsukishima, while, as far as he knew, they had always hated each other from the moment that they had met in the park. If he was asked right now, Hinata wouldn’t even be able to explain to himself why he wanted to stay so badly. It wasn’t out of hurt for Tsukishima. Of course Yamaguchi was here, but he also found himself thinking that if it had just been Tsukishima in that room, he would have done exactly the same.

The only thing he actually knew for sure, was that he was just really confused. His anger from yesterday had not subsided at all and at the same time, he knew that only a heartless creature would be angry at someone who was struggling to survive. But was the Tsukishima from yesterday really the same person as the one that was here in the hospital? The Tsukishima he knew would never be reckless when crossing the street. He was calm, composed, and always aware of every little detail in his surroundings. To overlook a car that was racing towards him, was nothing like him.

With a sigh, Hinata let himself sink deeper in his chair. His bottom was sore from sitting and his back hurt from the uncomfortable backrest, yet he did not feel motivated to walk it off.

‘Your face looks weird,’ Kageyama said after they had been watching various people passing by for a while. Most of them had been too busy with their own lives, but the looks they received from the ones that did glare at them, were all full of pity and made Hinata feel very annoyed.

‘I’m fine,’ he growled, without being in the mood to change his slumped position. Even though he didn’t know exactly what time it was, he knew it had to be around midnight and he could feel the fatigue creeping upon him.

Kageyama nodded slowly.  
‘Me too.’

‘Don’t you think it’s weird that we are here now?’

‘In the hospital, you mean?’

Hinata softly hummed in agreement and Kageyama crossed his arms.  
He yawned before answering.  
‘Yes, you could say that.’

‘I mean, I just never expected Tsukishima to be so…you know.’

‘No one is invincible.’

It wasn’t a question, it was a fact and Hinata knew this.

‘Guess this proves it,’ he said softly and he let his head rest against Kageyama’s shoulder. At first, he felt his friend tense up at this, but after a few seconds, Kageyama relaxed, which made him relax as well.

They were in for a long night together.


	17. Chapter 17

Despite the discomfort of the chairs, Hinata found himself waking up a few hours later. Something heavy was resting against his head and it didn’t take much for him to realise that it was Kageyama, who finally had found his sleep as well.

They both had been awake for quite some time together, although most of it, they had spent quietly staring at the wall in front of them. Judging by the soft snoring, Kageyama had to be the last of them to close his eyes, because Hinata knew he never would have been able to sleep with that sound so close to his ears.

It was still dark outside, and the old man that had been sitting by the window had disappeared. At the desk, there was a small sign that said that the reception staff was currently on a break and that visitors should ring the bell if needed. There were way fewer people walking through as well, which made the waiting room feel somewhat peaceful. Now they really were the only ones in here.

Letting out a small yawn, Hinata closed his eyes again. He really wanted to go back to his sleep, where everything was alright and there was no reason for him to feel this faint-hearted. If he only thought about the reason that they were sitting here, he could feel his stomach start to turn and he had to repress the desire to run to the bathroom. Even though he hadn’t been present, he would think about the accident way too much. Images of Tsukishima being hit by a car, rolling over it, and slamming onto the ground would flash before his eyes and etch themselves deeper into his memory every time they started to appear. At those moments, he really had to focus on slowing down his breathing, or he would start to feel his throat tighten.

Therefore, he was glad that Kageyama was here with him. The King could really be an annoying prick from time to time, but he had his moments and this was definitely one of them. Hinata figured he would have felt way worse if he had been sitting here on his own without anybody to distract him from his own thoughts. At least now, Kageyama’s presence helped him focus on something else when he noticed he started to slip into a bad place again. Whatever his reason was to stay, Hinata was thankful for it, especially because it was something so out of the ordinary. To stay with one of his subjects while he actually despised Tsukishima, proved without a doubt that the court was not the only place in which Kageyama had changed since primary school and maybe it even implied that they still had a long road ahead of them.

If only he could have a chance like that with Tsukishima…

Since this thought was the last straw for him, Hinata got up and after carefully placing an undisturbed Kageyama in a lying position on the rest of the chairs, he walked over to the window. The waiting room was on the second floor of the building, which allowed him to look down on the street below and watch two staff workers enjoy a cigarette. They were laughing and talking as if there weren’t people on the edge of life in the building next to them. Of course, it was their job and they probably didn’t know any different, but Hinata still found it frustrating to see that they were so calm and untroubled. They should be doing something, anything, to make it better, and to make sure that Tsukishima would survive. This wasn’t just some kid with bad luck, this was Karasuno’s middle-blocker, the first one to stop Ushijima and the backbone of their defense. To not give it everything they got to save him, would be extremely ignorant.

It surprised him that he actually cared that much about someone who he had hated for over a long time. Sure, their contact had been more neutral over the past few weeks, but looking at the amount of time they knew each other, they had mostly hated one another. On the other hand, he didn’t really care about the irrationality of it all. He cared and that was enough to stay.

He took out his phone to check the time, but apparently it had died at some point during the night. Thus, he walked back to the bench again and he took Yamaguchi’s phone out of the bag that had been lying there on the ground for a while now.

It was almost four o’clock, however, that was not the thing that scared him the most. Because how could he care about the time, when Yamaguchi’s phone showed a notification of a missed call from Tsukishima? It had been from this morning, just after their training had started, so in all probability right before the incident. If he left a voicemail, that would actually mean that he could be holding Tsukishima’s last words in his hands.

Within seconds, Hinata decided he was not going to tell Kageyama because, at the moment, there was someone else who needed to hear this first. That’s why he took off his jacket, placed it over the sleeping setter, and then started walking towards the intensive care hospital rooms. He knew Tsukishima had to be in there, but it still took him a while to figure out his exact location. Besides, he wasn’t actually supposed to come here, so every time he thought he heard voices, he rushed into the nearest bathroom or supply closet. Even though he didn’t think someone would really care about him walking through the halls, he didn’t want to risk being sent to the waiting room again. Knowing that Yamaguchi needed to see this, one way or another, he had to get to the right room and he needed to be there when Yamaguchi heard what was going on. He hadn’t heard from him the whole day and it kind of worried Hinata that not once he had come to the waiting room to meet his teammates. Tsukishima’s mother had told them that he was doing as well as could be expected, but that wasn’t really an answer. Hinata needed to see for himself how his friend was doing.

The closer he got to the right room, the more scared he became as well. He really wasn’t waiting to see Tsukishima’s broken body lying in a bed without having the chance to do something about it.

Knowing that the situation was bad, was already awful enough. To actually see it and get the confirmation from his own eyes, was a whole new level of bad.

It was because of this, that he didn’t look at the beds when he passed the rooms -even though with most of them it was too dark to see through the window- and he only recognised Tsukishima’s room by seeing the back of Yamaguchi’s head. After taking a big breath, he softly knocked on the door and because there was no reaction right away, he opened it.  
‘Yamaguchi?’ he whispered.

Since his friend didn’t answer, Hinata quickly looked around and when he noticed that they were alone, he walked inside. Despite him making sure Yamaguchi’s head kept blocking his sight of Tsukishima, Hinata saw a lot of machines surrounding the bed in the middle of the room. Loads of them were beeping in a soft and steady tone, another one was making a consistent breathing sound.

As far as he was able to see, there were many tubes sticking out Tsukishima’s body as well, making Hinata somehow think that he must be very glad that he wasn’t capable of seeing all this. If he knew one thing about Tsukishima for sure, then that would be that Tsukishima hated anything that would make him look pathetic and because weak probably equalled pathetic in his mind, this would have been straight-up torture if he had been awake.  
‘I brought you your stuff,’ he tried again, which made Yamaguchi finally turn around.

Hinata was shocked to see how awful the boy looked. His eyes were so hollow as if all the emotion had been taken from them, and his nose was red and running. He didn’t smile when he saw Hinata, so the fact that he spoke up, was the only proof of him actually being aware of Hinata standing there.

‘Thank you.’ His voice was hoarse and toneless, yet Hinata knew that his words were not meaningless.

Quickly, he walked over and while closing his eyes to prevent him from seeing Tsukishima’s face, he embraced Yamaguchi. He didn’t even care that Yamaguchi wasn’t reacting to this at all. He just knew that, if there was a way that he could take all the hurt from him and put it on himself, he wouldn’t blink twice. Yamaguchi didn’t deserve any of this. He was too good to be ruined by grief and hurt, so whoever decided it was a good idea to smash this innocence to pieces, was nothing more than a sadistic cunt.

‘I need to tell you something,’ he said and with the biggest lump in his throat he had ever experienced, he let go. Only then, did he notice that all the while, Yamaguchi had not let go of Tsukishima’s hand.

Fighting back his tears, Hinata took a chair from the opposite of the room, so he would be right beside Yamaguchi when he had to tell him what he had discovered.

Yamaguchi looked at him without even blinking.

Slowly, Hinata took out his phone and after a conflicted look at it, he handed it to him.  
‘He…Tsukishima called you this morning, while we were training.’

The hand that Yamaguchi hesitantly had raised, fell back onto his lap again. Hinata saw him bite his lip, after which he closed his eyes and a small tear ran down from the corner of his eyes. When it reached the end of Yamaguchi’s cheek, it fell down like a raindrop and splashed somewhere on his legs.

‘Are you okay?’

‘D-did he leave a voice mail?’ Yamaguchi said with a voice so raw, that it tore Hinata’s heart apart.

‘I don’t know. I didn’t want to intrude your privacy.’

Again, he handed him the phone and this time, Yamaguchi took it with a bit more certainty than Hinata had expected him to. Yamaguchi typed his password, then gave the device back again and nodded softly towards Hinata.  
‘Can you look?’

‘Of course,’ Hinata said. He went to Yamaguchi’s call history and after seeing that Tsukishima had indeed left a voice mail, he looked up.

‘Do you want to listen to it without me?’

‘No, I want you to be here,’ Yamaguchi answered, before turning himself to Tsukishima again and waiting on Hinata to start the recording.

Hesitantly, Hinata looked at him and he wondered if it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let Yamaguchi hear the voice mail right now. The boy was in such a bad state already, whatever Tsukishima’s words would be, it would most likely make it worse. Even if Tsukishima would just be talking about homework, just hearing his voice could be too much.

However, this was still Yamaguchi’s phone and Hinata did not feel much like confiscating the device. If they didn’t listen to it now, Yamaguchi could play it at another time, and Hinata would rather be there than abandon his friend at a moment like this. Therefore, he eventually started the recording.

Even before hearing Tsukishima’s voice, they could hear cars passing by in the background. They were going fast and Hinata knew exactly what that meant. On his way to school, there was only one road where the cars could be riding at this speed. He had almost made it to school…

Then, Tsukishima’s voice kicked in and Hinata could see Yamaguchi’s grip on Tsukishima’s hand tighten within the first second. The message itself was something Hinata did not really understand and he knew that it was actually not meant for his ears to hear, but the more Tsukishima talked, the worse Yamaguchi became. By the end of it, he had broken down completely and he was full-on crying.

With Tsukishima’s hand pressed to his forehead, he let out a few sobs, that Hinata was sure would keep ringing into his ears for at least the next hours.  
But because Yamaguchi had bowed down, Hinata was too late to look away and his gaze fell onto Tsukishima’s broken face. Immediately, he could feel himself breaking out in cold sweat.  
It was worse than he had imagined.

There wasn’t actually much skin left untouched. Almost all of the left side of his face was covered in bruises and abrasions, and there was a deep cut on one of his eyebrows. He wasn’t even breathing by himself. A tube was forced into his mouth and secured by a small elastic band around his head. When Hinata followed the other side of the tube, he saw that it was connected to the machine that made the breathing sound he’d noticed upon his arrival.

Only now did he truly realise the meaning of Kageyama’s words: ‘‘No one was invincible.’’ The tall and sometimes even kind of scary middle-blocker was now nothing more than a vegetable. Only alive because of a machine, there was nothing left of the shepherd that had tried to guide him these past few weeks, and the realisation that this was the first time that he didn’t feel so small while being in the same room as Tsukishima, made his heart sink even further.

Tsukishima’s broken glasses lay on the nightstand next to the bed.

‘Y-Yamaguchi,’ stuttered Hinata with a voice so unsteady, that he wasn’t even sure Yamaguchi had heard him in the first place. He could feel his own breathing start to increase and he had to gather every ounce of strength to tear his eyes from the bed. Turning his back to both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, he tried to calm down. This was not the time to freak out. Yamaguchi needed him and that’s why he couldn’t be the one to give up right now. He had to suck it up.

He had to be strong.

Quickly, he took his chair and he put it closer to Yamaguchi. Forcing his own feelings under control, he tightly grabbed Yamaguchi, who was quite reluctant at first, but then slowly started to melt within his arms.

After a few attempts to catch his breath, Yamaguchi whispered something that made it impossible for Hinata to suppress his tears.

‘I don’t want him to die.’


	18. Chapter 18

It wasn’t until Tsukishima’s family came back at some point during the early morning, that he let go of Yamaguchi. They were both doing slightly better, although mostly because their tears had run dry and their noses had stopped running. Not for a second did Hinata think that this aching feeling inside his chest would ever disappear.

While sitting in the small hospital room, he had been thinking a lot about the accident and the unfairness of it all. However, the thought that stood out the most, would have been why he was still so angry. It was like Tsukishima had been all kinds of different persons that each evoked a different emotion. The one from before this all happened, was just annoying but could be handled. The one that helped him, was mostly confusing, but in general maybe even kind of nice, while the one that had screamed at him, was the most arrogant, rude cock that he had ever met.

And then there was the one in front of him; eyes closed, pale, and breathing at the steady rhythm from the machine that provided his body with oxygen. His limbs numbly laying on the bed, making him look small and vulnerable. Helpless even.

Since Hinata was no direct family, nobody had enlightened him with the details about Tsukishima’s condition. Tsukishima’s mother had told them that they were waiting for him to wake up, but even without a doctor's opinion, Hinata knew that the chances of that were very slim. The first twenty-four hours were the most crucial, he knew that from when his grandfather had been in the hospital, and up to now, Tsukishima had made no progress at all. If all, his condition had even worsened. Hinata didn’t know the meaning of the numbers on the monitors, but it was well within his reach to figure out that the slight decrease was not a good sign. The expression on the face of the nurse that had visited them twice had been thoroughly serious and when she told them she was glad they had each other for the moment, she had looked at them with a very pitiful look.

When he studied this Tsukishima in front of him, it was almost impossible to think that all these versions were actually one and the same person. Hinata felt embarrassed for his anger, yet, Tsukishima’s words still hurt and he couldn’t just ignore this either.

It made him feel like a big mess and because he absolutely felt no desire to sort it all out at a moment like this, he was glad to be able to focus on taking care of Yamaguchi for now. His friend didn’t have the luxury of the opportunity to switch between hurt and anger, so Hinata couldn’t possibly imagine how he must be feeling. He must be devoured by everything that had happened, especially with the voice mail that Tsukishima had left. His tears may have dried, but it had been really hard to convince him to let go of Tsukishima’s hand.

Because when Tsukishima’s parents returned, Tsukishima’s brother was with them as well. Apparently, they had left to pick him up from the station and this would be the first time that he would see his little brother in this vegetive state.

It surprised Hinata how much Tsukishima and his brother, whose name he learned was Akiteru, looked alike. Akiteru’s hair was less blonde and he didn’t wear any glasses, but their faces were almost identical, and not to mention, they were both taller than anyone on the Karasuno volleyball team. They must have gotten their height from their father, who was the tallest of them all and always had to bend over when he walked through a door. Even through the majority of grey hairs on his head, Hinata could see the light blond hair and just like Tsukishima, his glasses magnified his big hazel eyes.

Their mother, on the other hand, was quite short, but she had the same kind face as her oldest son, which made Hinata wonder if Tsukishima could have looked like that if he had actually put in some effort to be affectionate towards other people.

Hinata had introduced himself and politely paid his respects for the misfortune their family had suffered. Then, because it would get too crowded with five people in the room, he took Yamaguchi outside, so Tsukishima’s family could have a chance alone with their son and brother. From the short time he had spent with Akiteru, Hinata noticed that the older brother was only trying to keep his cool for the sake of his parents. When he thought no one was looking, he would bite his lip and one time, he even saw him wiping away a small tear. It would be better to leave them alone for a moment.

Once they were outside, Yamaguchi did not oppose his attempt to get him out of the room anymore. They walked in silence to the waiting room, where they woke up Kageyama and made their way to the hospital cafeteria. With the small amount of money Kageyama had found in Hinata’s jacket, Hinata bought them some tea, after which they sat down on one of the tables and waited for the boiling water to cool down.

Hinata yawned and ruffled his hair.  
‘Can I borrow your phone?’ he asked Kageyama, who was staring at his cardboard cup with a pair of empty eyes. His sleep couldn’t have been much better on those plastic chairs, Hinata figured, while

Kageyama took the phone out of his pocket and handed it to him without saying a word.

Hinata slowly typed his mother's number and then listened to the ringing. It made him think of the machines in Tsukishima’s room.

When his mother's surprised and sleepy voice appeared on the other side, he quickly explained why he had not gone home that night and why he was calling with Kageyama’s cellphone.  
‘Are you alright?’ his mother asked, once he had finished talking.

He nodded slowly, even though he knew she could not see this.  
‘Yes, I’m fine. I’m not the one you should be worried about.’

‘Shoyo,’ his mother's voice sounded sincere. ‘You know this is not your fault right?’

‘Why would I think this is my fault?’

‘Because this was the first morning you and Tsukishima-kun didn’t go to practice together. I don’t know if it was just a coincidence or not, but you are not responsible for this accident. It could have happened any other time.’

Silently, Hinata gazed at the man who had given them their tea. He was behind a counter, helping a nurse to quite a big cup of coffee.  
He hadn’t actually thought about the situation like that. However, now that his mother mentioned it, maybe he did feel a little bit guilty, yes. Not entirely, because he did know that Tsukishima had had his own reasons to be late, but them talking it all out on their way to practice, was not a completely impossible situation. If they could have done that, maybe Tsukishima wouldn’t have been lying in that bed right now.

Yeah, or Hinata himself was lying beside him.

He felt himself going into an overthinking-mode, so he forced his attention back to his mother, who was patiently waiting on the other side of the phone.  
‘I’m not blaming myself,’ he said, only after which he found out that this wasn’t a complete lie. ‘I just think that it could have all been different if I had been there.’

‘I know, honey, but I don’t think anyone is to blame for this. You don’t know for sure if you could have saved him. Maybe that was just impossible in the first place. We don’t know, because none of us were there. The bystanders who called the ambulance were not able to prevent it either.’

‘You’re right,’ he said with a sigh. ‘That does not make it much easier, though.’

‘I wouldn’t have expected it too, but all that matters right now is that it happened and how you deal with it. Stick to your friends today, okay? I don’t want you to be alone much.’

‘I do have school today, you know.’

‘I can call them off if you want to,’ his mother said with such a caring tone in her voice, that Hinata knew for certain that there was a little smile on her face. If they had not been talking on the phone, she probably would have put her arms around him and buried her chin in his messy hair. ‘I do think that education is important and that it may even help distract you right now, but you’re the only one who can say if a distraction is what you need at the moment. From what you said last night, I think your friend, the one with the green hair-‘

‘Yamaguchi.’

‘Yes, Yamaguchi, I don’t think he will go to school either. Do you want to stay with him or do you want to go to school? I can bring you your stuff if you want to.’

Hinata quickly looked over to Yamaguchi, who was resting his head on his arms on the table and was almost as pale as Tsukishima had been. His freckles were lighter as well and there were dark circles underneath his eyes.  
‘I think I’ll stay here. I don’t want to leave him alone right now.’

‘Alright, that is very kind of you. I will phone the school right away.’

‘Thank you, mum,’ Hinata said with a small lump in his throat. His mother really was the most awesome mother one could ever wish for and if that had not been clear before, this certainly would. ‘You’re amazing.’

He heard a light chuckle from her.  
‘I love you, Shoyo, and I’m proud of you. Take care of yourself and do call if you need anything. Do you have money to get some food?’

‘Yes,’ he lied since he wanted to spare her the trouble of coming all the way to the hospital while he didn’t feel like eating at all. ‘Yes, I’ll be fine.’

‘Good, that’s good.’

‘I love you.’

‘Love you too, honey.’

And after he heard the sound of his mother blowing a kiss and he had returned the gesture, he hang up. Normally, he would have been too embarrassed to do this in front of anyone, especially in Kageyama’s presence, but both of his friends did not seem to notice anyway. They were too busy in their own thoughts to care about anything else.

‘Thanks,’ Hinata said, although Kageyama did not make any movements to take back his phone. He just sat on his chair, tea in one hand, a bag of sugar in the other. Hinata wondered what was on his mind.

Kageyama had never liked Tsukishima and it was common knowledge that Tsukishima shared this aversion. Still, Kageyama looked quite affected by the whole situation. He usually took very good care of himself; always ate healthy, would sleep at ten, wake up at six, exercised even besides volleyball, showered every day, he would always show up in neatly ironed clothes, and he would pedicure his own nails to make sure they were the perfect length for a setter. The Kageyama who sat in front of him right now looked like the complete opposite. His hair was messy, his clothes were crooked and he wasn’t sitting up straight. Besides, even from Hinata’s position, he could smell that all of them hadn’t showered after their practice yesterday morning, which was actually kind of nasty.

Luckily, there weren’t a lot of people in the cafeteria. It was close to 6:30 and apart from them, there was only an older couple sitting on the other side of the room. Since Hinata had noticed that they had been sitting there before the three of them came in, he knew that it was pure coincidence that the space between them was as much as possible and that this didn’t relate to the fact that they smelled like shit.

His strain of thoughts was interrupted by the sound of a phone vibrating on the table. A picture of Daichi popped up on Kageyama’s screen and after Hinata got a small nod from its owner, he answered the call and put it on speaker.

‘Hello?’

‘Kageyama?’ It was Sugawara who called. Hinata could hear some thump in the background, which made him guess that he was calling from the clubroom.

‘No, this is Hinata. But Kageyama and Yamaguchi are here too, you’re on speaker.’

‘Guys, be quiet. Sorry, hi Hinata. How is it going?’

‘Still the same,’ Hinata answered, after noticing that both Yamaguchi and Kageyama were not in the mood to talk. ‘We’re in the cafeteria right now. Tsukishima’s parents picked up his brother from the station and they are with him now.’

‘Shoyo, have you been awake all night?’ Nishinoya asked. ‘You really sound like a demon.’

‘I got a few hours of sleep.’

‘I think it’s not going to work out coming to the hospital before school starts,’ the captain said apologetically. ‘Of course I don’t expect anyone here for training, but Kinoshita and Tanaka haven’t arrived yet, and judging by what you just said, I don’t think we are allowed to see him anyway, am I right?’

Hinata hummed in agreement.

‘Then we will come straight after school.’

‘Yamaguchi, are you okay?’ Ennoshita’s voice sounded almost like Daichi’s.

Hinata looked at Yamaguchi, who now had his eyes closed and looked like he was sleeping. He did not react to his teammate calling his name.  
‘He’s…I don’t know.’ Hinata suddenly understood why Tsukishima’s mother had chosen the words she had used to answer his question last night. It was hard to describe what was going on. The boy looked exhausted and broken, but at the same time, it wasn’t like he had given up. He was still here and he hadn’t broken down completely. He was just…coping if it could be described like that.  
‘It’s hard.’

‘Yes, I understand,’ Sugawara said. ‘Do you think he will be okay today?’

‘I don’t know, but I am not going to school. I already talked it over with my mum and she’s okay with it. Actually, it was her idea. So yeah, I’ll be with him.’

‘And Kageyama?’

‘I’m okay,’ the setter said. These were the first words he had spoken since he had woken up this morning.

‘Did you talk to your parents?’

‘I did yesterday. They were fine with me staying here, but I am going to school in few hours.’

‘Okay, I will come to see you then.’

‘Hinata,’ Kiyoko said in her soft and shy tone. ‘Do you want us to bring anything when we come to the hospital?’

‘Yes, some food? Clothes? Maybe a book?’ Sugawara almost sounded like some pushing, overprotective mother, which made Hinata laugh a little.

‘No, I’m fine. A power bank for my phone would be nice, but please don’t go buy one if no one has a spare.’

‘Consider it done,’ Sugawara said, completely ignoring his last comment. ‘Then we’ll see you this afternoon. Take care and keep us up to date if anything changes.’

‘Will do,’ Hinata said. Then the whole team on the other side of the phone yelled some form of goodbye and probably Sugawara ended the call.

Silently, Hinata handed the phone back to Kageyama.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooooooo,  
> First I want to say thank you if you actually managed to get this far. I really appreciate it <3  
> Especially, because I had not intended to write a story this big. To give you a bit of direction, I think after this there will be about four or five more chapters. Although, that's the planning, but we all know how my first planning turned out lol. Moral of the story: I'm not good at planning :)
> 
> Secondly, I have been reading a lot of Haikyuu fanfictions and I noticed that my story is just one big blob of text all the time. This may be very discouraging for some people??? I don't know. I tried making a new layout of the text. Please let me know if this is better or not. Then I can (maybe) edit the other chapters, but definitely keep it in mind for the last ones.  
> Have a nice daaayyyyy xx

Not long after that, Kageyama decided to go home, so he could take a shower and eat a proper meal before going to school.

This kind of eased Hinata, since it meant that Kageyama had not completely lost his sense of self-care and that he was more himself then this morning had made him think. Still, he told the King to be careful, when they had said their goodbyes. He knew he was probably overreacting, but one accident was already more than enough.

At this, Kageyama had looked at him in confusion.

‘Just don’t get hit by a car, you idiot,’ Hinata had said while smacking him on the head. ‘Or by anything.’

‘Then why did you hit me?’ Kageyama had said even more befuddled than before.

‘Well, I’m not going to put you next to Tsukishima, am I.’

Kageyama had considered this answer for a minute and then had nodded.  
‘True, with that height you won’t be able to do any damage anyway.’

‘Baka, Kageyama, baka,’ Hinata had said, irritated that Kageyama always had to grab every opportunity to remind him that he was short, and with a kick against his ass, he had shown Kageyama the door.

All the while, Yamaguchi had looked at them in silence. He didn’t seem bothered by their feud in the slightest and he hadn’t even made an effort to keep them from fighting at all. It was this, that concerned Hinata the most. Tsukishima must really be all that was on his mind at the moment.

They had gone back to the cafeteria and with the last bit of money they could both find in the pits of their pockets, they had bought three more cups of tea. Then, Yamaguchi had led the way back to Tsukishima’s room, where Tsukishima’s family had gratefully accepted their gesture.

Hinata didn’t want to stay too long in there. Unlike their youngest son, Tsukishima’s parents were very warm and welcoming, and they didn’t show any sign of a desire for him to leave, but since this was quite a heavy and sincere family moment, Hinata still felt like an intruder. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had been friends for so long, that Yamaguchi practically was a part of them. For Hinata on the other hand, it was different. He didn’t even know if he and Tsukishima could be considered friends. Of course, he’d like to believe that, in their own special way, they were more than acquaintances, but to just assume they were friends, felt way too one-sided and unfair on Tsukishima’s behalf, now that he was not able to contradict him.

Thus, he quickly said that he would be back soon and he went to sit on a bench in front of the other side of the window. This way, Yamaguchi didn’t have to think that he left him alone and at the same time, he would be at a more appropriate distance.

He wondered if Yamaguchi was going to be alright. The whole situation was so unclear at the moment. Hinata didn’t want to believe that Tsukishima wasn’t going to survive, that thought alone was way too weird and unbelievable, and yet, he realised that he didn’t have much hope either. The way Tsukishima had looked, was too damaged to still have hope. The image of his pale and broken face was scarred into his mind and still made his heart sink every time he thought about it. He wasn’t scared anymore, but he definitely wasn’t okay with it either. How was it even possible that a human face could be so vandalized? How could someone who blocked a spike from Ushijima, one of the top three aces in the whole of Japan, look so damaged? Wasn’t that person supposed to be invincible?  
He knew it was irrational to think that superpowers existed, but he did believe that there were just some people who could do anything. Kageyama, the King of the court, was someone like that, but when talking about strength and endurance, Tsukishima was definitely one of them too.  
Only now did Hinata realise how much admiration he held for his fellow middle-blocker. They were both so different and Tsukishima was definitely a prick outside the court, but the way he analysed the situations and kept his calm in the most exhilarating moments was not something many people could do. Apparently, there were some times in which having the same heart as a machine could be used for the better.

And still…

Hinata held one of his arms in his hand and he let his thumb trace the lines that always ran in the same direction. Tsukishima being in the hospital had definitely taken his mind of adding to them, however, he felt guilty for the desire that he knew had never left. Especially now, he didn’t want to imagine what Tsukishima would say if one of his versions was sitting on the same bench right next to him. It was probably really selfish to want to hurt himself at this moment.  
When he had been in need, Tsukishima had been there for him and now that the roles were reversed, he couldn’t be turning his back on him. Tsukishima wouldn’t have invited him over if he hadn’t wanted him to stop. To give in right now was just way too self-centered.

* * *

‘Hi, it’s Hinata-kun right?’

Startled, Hinata opened his eyes and it took him a while to understand what was going on. He was still in the hospital, sitting on the bench outside of Tsukishima’s room and he realised nothing had actually changed since the last moment he could remember. At some point, he must have dozed off, because suddenly the clock at the end of the hall told him it was the afternoon already.  
Then, he noticed Tsukishima’s brother Akiteru leaning against the wall and looking down on him. From this point of view, this made him look even taller than he already was, which instantly made Hinata feel really small.

‘Uh, yeah.’ Quickly, he sat up straight and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Akiteru laughed and sat down next to him.

‘I’m sorry to disturb you.’

‘No, no, it’s okay,’ Hinata said, after which he shook the hand that Akiteru reached out to him. It made him think of a child holding hands with a bear.

‘It’s sad that we have to meet like this,’ Akiteru said, ‘but it’s moments like these, that reveal true friends. I wanted to thank you for being here.’

‘I- uhm.’ Hinata’s answer got stuck behind the lump in his throat. Was it impolite to burst Akiteru’s bubble by telling him the truth? He didn’t like the misplaced gratitude, but to say that he and Tsukishima weren’t actually friends, may be a stab in the back that his brother wasn’t prepared for.

‘Tsukishima and I, we’re not really…I mean, it’s complicated.’

It took all his courage to look Tsukishima’s brother in the eyes, only to find that a faint smile appeared on his face.

‘I’m sure Kei would have said the same. He doesn’t like those titles. Friends, best friends, he has always been afraid to be disappointed by them, I guess. Don’t ever tell him I told you that though; he will kill me.’

‘My lips are sealed,’ Hinata quietly said, staring at the fiddling of his fingers. Akiteru sounded so light and unburdened, and he wondered where he found the strength for that. Just producing a smile already felt like it would take all his spare energy.

‘But still,’ Akiteru continued. ‘You’re here and you’re being a real friend to Tadashi-kun. I don’t think Kei would have wanted it any other way.’

‘What do you mean?’

Akiteru crossed his legs.

‘It probably wouldn’t surprise you, but my little brother is not one to make friends very easily.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘However, with Tadashi it’s different. I really think he trusts them to be together for a long time. I’ve hurt my brother in the past; it’s something I’m not proud of and I know that it scarred Kei as well. He never had many friends, but since that moment, he has some real trust issues and it hurts that it’s not something that I can fix for him.’ Accompanied by a mocking chuckle, Akiteru let out a sigh.

‘Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s just that my brother is really fond of Tadashi. In the beginning, I was surprised that Tadashi was the first good friend he made and I was a bit scared that it was way too one-sided, if you get what I mean. However, throughout the years, I think I’ve come to understand their relationship a lot better and I think Kei needed Tadashi to push him through the walls that he made for himself.’

‘Yamaguchi really was Tsukishima’s only friend?’ Hinata asked surprised. Now that he came to think of it, he’d never seen Tsukishima interact with anyone other than Yamaguchi, apart from the provocations he blurted out from time to time that was.

Akiteru let out a short laugh.  
‘Before Tadashi, he was the worst, believe me. Whenever I would ask him if he got on with his class- or teammates, first he would lie, and then he would tell me they were all lame and their stupidity annoyed him.’

‘Not much change in there, I see.’ Hinata had said it before he realised that Tsukishima’s brother was definitely not the person to whom he should complain about Tsukishima’s arrogant and irritating behaviour.

He felt his cheeks burn up.  
‘S-sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Only that Tsukishima still tells people that they are dumb and annoying, and he can be really mean and rude and I think I better stop talking now.’

Akiteru laughed.  
‘It’s okay, I know what you mean. Just believe me when I say he was even worse as a child. Except for when he would be with Tadashi. Tadashi really kept him in line, even though he would probably be too ashamed to admit that.’

They both watched two doctors and two nurses enter Tsukishima’s room, which Hinata knew would only mean one thing. Their conversation had come to an abrupt end.  
Still, they waited outside, until Yamaguchi and Tsukishima’s parents appeared in the doorway.

Immediately, Hinata stood up and he walked over to Yamaguchi.

‘Are you okay?’

‘You know,’ Yamaguchi said with a faint smile. ‘you don’t have to keep asking me that. I won’t get any better as long as he doesn’t wake up.’

Hinata grabbed both of his shoulders.  
‘I know, but you can get worse and I can’t give you a hug if I don’t know that. I would be a really bad hug-postholder if I didn’t give you a hug at the moments you needed them most.’

Yamaguchi sniffled and wiped his nose.  
‘Hug-postholder is not even a word.’

‘It is,’ Hinata said surprised. ‘Look under the H in a dictionary.’

‘Boys,’ interrupted Tsukishima’s mother their conversation suddenly. Her husband had put an arm around her shoulders and she looked at them with a sad, but warm smile.

‘The doctors are going to do some tests now and they said it may take a while. Do you want to join us for lunch, while we wait? Our treat. We have to keep our own strength up as well.’

Questionably, Hinata looked at Yamaguchi to let him know it was his choice and that he would accompany him no matter what. If he wanted to stay or go with them, that would all be fine and Hinata would just follow.  
Yamaguchi took a moment to think about the offer, then nodded slowly and gestured towards Tsukishima’s parents. Hinata followed him and with the five of them, they walked back towards the cafeteria.


	20. Chapter 20

[Tsukki]: Do you want to come over?

[Tsukki]: We can watch a movie.

…

[Yamaguchi]: Sorry, Tsukki

[Yamaguchi]: Tonight is not the best time

…

[Tsukki]: Ok.

With a sigh, Yamaguchi threw his phone on the foot of his bed. He rolled over and curled himself up, so he was in the most comfortable position for moments like these.

It was cold in his room, but he was too lazy to walk over to the radiator or to crawl under his covers. It wasn’t like he didn’t have any energy to do this; he just didn’t really see the point in unnecessary movements.

So he just lay there, shivering a bit and thinking about the past hours.

After practice, the whole Karasuno volleyball team had gathered for some drinks at coach Ukais store, and afterward, most of them had been surprised how time could have passed by so quickly.

Yamaguchi had not been one of them. He had wanted to go home from the start, with as a result that he had found torture in every minute he had been sitting at that table. They had all been so loud, especially Nishinoya and Tanaka from the moment they had made an incredible receive and spike combi at practice, and because of this, he had found himself shutting down quite early already.

He knew this was his anxiety talking and that some days were just better than others, but Yamaguchi was still in the process of being okay with that. His therapist said he shouldn’t completely avoid these team bonding moments since it wouldn’t do him any good to distance himself from his friends, and yet, not one time had he actually been sad that it was time to go home again. Relieved, yes, and in the beginning often angry because he wasn’t able to function like a normal human being around other people, but no, never sad that it couldn’t have lasted a few more minutes.

Except for Tsukki, no one knew about his true struggles in socializing and even with his best friend, things were quite distant and cool when something pointed in that direction. Since their fallout months ago, things had not been the same between them anymore. A distance had been created and even though they both acted like none of it had happened in the first place, Yamaguchi would rather keep to himself now than make a move to overcome this grey area. He was still hurt and maybe also kind of embarrassed that it hadn’t even worked out. He had opened himself up for absolutely nothing. Tsukki probably thought that he was seeking attention and just acting overly dramatic.

Because that was the thing in this world, being different was not a good thing. Socializing with other people would be one of the basic skills in human life, even animals did it, so to actually not be able to interact with someone, was just plain sad. It wasn’t interesting or cute, it was annoying and a feature from a true failure.

What had he even been thinking? Sure, Tsukki was his best friend, but because of that, he also knew that he was not someone with a lot of empathy. Even Kageyama could be more expressive from time to time.

Yamaguchi jumped up when suddenly the door to his room flew open.

‘What are you doing here?’ he said, startled since his parents had said that they would be back much later in the evening.

‘If you’re not coming to the movie, then the movie will come to you,’ Tsukki said, while walking into Yamaguchi’s bedroom and putting the spare key to Yamaguchi’s house into his pocket. He still had the same keychain as Yamaguchi had on his keys to Tsukki’s house.

‘I told you, it’s not a good time right now.’

‘When have I ever listened to you?’

Tsukki didn’t smile. He didn’t even look at him.

Yamaguchi just watched him drop his bag on the bed and search for the movie that apparently needed to be watched this evening. At this point, he didn’t really care enough to make a scene. Tsukki must have known that his mind was in a bad place right now, so the fact that he still chose to come over, was his own stupid fault. It would be extremely unfair of him to expect Yamaguchi to be a good host right now, although with each other they had never really cared about manners anyway. Therefore, Tsukki just started up Yamaguchi’s computer, popped in the disc, and then dropped himself next to Yamaguchi on the bed.

It was only when the film title appeared on the screen, that Yamaguchi started talking.

‘You know this is a movie for children, right?’

Tsukki snorted in amusement.

‘It’s not my fault you haven’t seen the classics.’

‘Bet you really related to that Matilda person, finding everyone incredibly stupid and all.’

‘Of course, how could I not.’

‘Too bad you’re not as good of a cook as her.’

At this, Tsukki glanced at him with raised eyebrows.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

Yamaguchi couldn’t repress a faint smile.

‘Those pancakes were perfect. Do you not remember the spaghetti debacle?’

‘It wasn’t a debacle,’ Tsukki said a bit annoyed. ‘I needed new glasses. I’m actually not that bad at cooking.’

‘Hm, whatever you say.’

‘Fine, I’ll prove it to you. Have you eaten yet?’

Trying to keep sense of the plot, Yamaguchi took a few seconds to answer. He could feel his cheeks burning up.

‘I’m not hungry.’

‘You should eat.’

‘No, really, it’s fine.’

Within seconds and, Yamaguchi had to admit, kind of gracefully, Tsukki got up from the bed and he walked over to Yamaguchi’s bureau, where he quickly paused the movie.

‘Tsukki,’ Yamaguchi sighed. ‘please, let’s just continue. It’s not a big deal.’

‘It is, idiot. Just give me a few minutes and you’ll be so surprised by my cooking skills, that you will beg for more.’

‘That sounds so sexual.’

Now it was Tsukki’s turn to blush, which Yamaguchi thought served him damn right. He hadn’t even wanted to watch a movie in the first place, yet somehow Tsukki always seemed to force him to do something against his will. It was true that most of the time this turned out to be way better than he had expected, but still, that wouldn’t keep him from a form of payback now and then.

Faster than he would jump to do a block, Tsukki disappeared out of the room and Yamaguchi let himself fall back on the bed. For a second, he was torn between the thought that Tsukki probably needed help finding stuff and the fact that Tsukki rather did everything in his own way. Then, he realised he didn’t feel that much for helping him cook something while he could also keep lying in his bed. Thus he just closed his eyes and knowing that this was probably not the most polite thing to do as a host, he let himself be taken by his fatigue.

* * *

It was only when he heard some music in the background and he could feel something wiping the corner of his mouth, that he slightly opened his eyes. Tsukki was next to him on the bed again, putting a tissue on the nightstand and then taking the corner of his t-shirt to clean his glasses.

‘Just go to sleep, idiot,’ he said with a voice that was neither angry nor accusing. Even without his glasses, he was looking at the movie that apparently was still on.

‘Are you cold?’

‘Hm,’ Yamaguchi answered since he just wanted to go back to sleep already. He had closed his eyes again and he realised his head wasn’t as loud as before anymore. Peacefully, he let out a soft sound of relief.

Then, he felt a blanket being placed over him, which actually made him curl up even more. He reminded himself of a rabbit in a burrow.

‘Tsukki?’ he quietly whispered.

‘Hm?’

‘Thank you for coming.’

* * *

_…shi_

_….dashi_

_Tadashi?_

‘Tadashi-kun, are you alright?’

Yamaguchi was aware of the firm grip on his shoulder.

He was aware of his hands bathing in cold sweat on his lap.

He was aware of the sunlight falling into the small office, of the clouds passing by and of the concerned look on the face of the man in front of him.

Yet he could not get himself to process the words that had just been spoken.

_Brain death_

_No brain functions_

_Death of the brain_

_Brain death_

‘Tadashi, darling, breathe. We’re here. Breathe.’

‘You’re not alone. We’re here for you.’

‘Slowly in and out. Breathe, darling. We’re here.’

Finally letting the air in, Yamaguchi jumped up in such a wild motion that his chair fell down on the ground. He was shaking all over as if someone had put him on an electricity supply that he did not know how to control. Never before had he felt this much like throwing up; not in any group of people, not in their first official match against Aoba Johsai, not when he eventually told his parents about his secret.

It felt like he was standing on a small ship that had to conquer enormous waves.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and…

He felt dizzy. Something was choking him from the inside out.

He couldn’t breathe. He was starting to drown.

Tears started to blur his vision, which made him realise that he couldn’t keep standing here. If he did, he would be devoured by the pressure of the decision that had just been made. Right in front of his eyes.

They couldn’t do this to him. Didn’t they realise that they would be killing his best friend? His best friend, Tsukishima Kei, was now at the mercy of these people who did not believe in something called hope. They only saw chance. However, in Tsukki’s case, they saw none.

But how could cutting off life support ever be the best choice to make?

They didn’t know how strong he was. Tsukki had always come from an unexpected quarter and he was there to pick them up whenever all hope seemed lost and everyone else had given up. They didn’t know that Tsukki could not be affected by anything and that he always found a way to crawl out of the darkest and deepest pits of despair.

He blurted out something in the line of ‘need air’ and then stormed out of the office before Tsukki’s parents, Akiteru or that horrible doctor could stop him. Without holding back, he raced through the hall towards Tsukki’s room, because he knew that he would not be the one giving up anymore. Getting better was not impossible.

And it was unbelievably lame to deny this.

Besides pride, what else was there to need?

He stopped when suddenly he ran into someone. Immediately, he recognised the orange hair, which made him snap back to reality once again.

‘Yamaguchi, are you alright? What did they say? Is it bad? You look like it’s bad. Oh no, come here, come here.’

Hinata may have been small, but he was strong and when he opened up his arms, Yamaguchi felt himself breaking into a thousand pieces. The waves crashed over him and each second, he was sinking deeper and deeper.

He knew he was being unreasonable and that the doctors had a point. Someone who was braindead had none chance whatsoever of ever waking up again and Tsukki would probably have said the same if the roles had been reversed.

But it was hurting so much.

Everything.

His body. His mind. His soul. His heart.

They were all damaged and incomplete without the possibility of Tsukki ever waking up. He realised that this had been the one thing that he had been hanging onto these past few days, and without it, he felt like the ground under his feet had disappeared. Evaporated, as if he had been clinging onto something that had not been real in the first place. Maybe it even had been hopeless from the start. Maybe there had never been any chance of looking Tsukki in the eye at least one more time. Maybe it had all been a lie and maybe the future had been set in stone from the moment the car had hit him.

Desperately burying his face into Hinata’s, he realised that he could not escape the suffocating feeling that dragged him to the ground. He was forced to endure it, to feel it with every fucking second feeling like an eternity.

There were no tears,

There was only pain.


	21. Chapter 21

It was absolutely horrible to see Yamaguchi like this. Especially since Yamaguchi had always been the one to cheer him up when things looked pretty bad, Hinata found it incredibly difficult to find any motivation to get up from the ground.

However, he knew that right now, he had to be the one strong enough to carry both of them. Yamaguchi could barely stand. He was trembling all over and once they were both on their feet, he was almost not able to make it to the nearest trashcan. Feeling frustratingly unable to make the situation any better, Hinata could only hold him, while he threw up the little amount of food he had eaten at lunch and thereby let go of the last source from which his body could draw any strength.

At that moment, he literally would have given anything to swap places with his best friend, because Yamaguchi didn’t deserve any of this. They all knew the worst had yet to come and Hinata had no idea how to help him through this endless torture. He just knew that right now, his own feelings didn’t matter.

Tsukishima’s parents had probably followed Yamaguchi out of the office since it didn’t take long for Hinata to notice them looking at their son's best friend. Akiteru was with them as well, and while his parents quietly waited for Yamaguchi to find some grip, he walked up to them and he helped Hinata carry Yamaguchi to the nearest bench.

‘Your friends are on their way,’ he said with a hoarse voice.

Now that Hinata was able to take his eyes from Yamaguchi for a second, he could see that Akiteru’s eyes were red and puffy. The conversation earlier must have hit him pretty hard too, yet his posture still radiated strength and confidence -another thing that Tsukishima and his brother had in common- and considering the state of his parents, Hinata could understand why. Tsukishima’s mother was barely able to stand by herself as well. Her husband's grip around her shoulders looked pretty firm, and she seemed to cling on to his other hand.

It was quite a breath-taking sight, and not of the good kind.

‘My parents called the school, so they could be excused from class and say goodbye.’

‘Goodbye,’ Hinata mumbled in shock. ‘Is he…’

‘Not yet,’ Akiteru said quickly. ‘But the decision to stop the life support has been made. After the doctors filled in all the paperwork and my parents signed those, they will stop the machines.’

Biting his lip, Hinata firmly closed his eyes.

This could not be happening right now. How had he still not woken up from this nightmare? Or was he just going insane? What the hell was happening…

The news did not surprise him, however, somehow this made it hurt even more. Since he had visited Tsukishima for the first time here in the hospital, all his hopes for a full recovery had disappeared. Just the sight of him had been enough for that and he even would have found it a miracle if things just continued on to be like how they had been then. Of course he had expected the doctors to have a conversation with Tsukishima’s parents and to be honest, he had expected them to come with bad news.

But to actually hear a verbal confirmation of his fears from someone other than himself, was something worse than shocking.

‘Are you alright?’

Akiteru put a hand on his shoulder, which made Hinata snap back to reality once again.

He nodded slowly.

‘Y-yes. It’s just a lot to process.’

‘I know. Just keep in mind that we’re all going through that. If you need to say it out loud-’

Hinata would never know if Akiteru had planned on finishing his sentence or not, because at that moment, the sound of a ringing phone interrupted their conversation. After some looks had been exchanged between Hinata and Tsukishima’s family, Yamaguchi took out his phone and without looking, he gave it to Hinata.

It was Sugawara.

And while Akiteru took care of Yamaguchi, Hinata got up and walked over to the vending machine to have a bit more privacy.

‘Hello?’

‘Hinata?’ Sugawara didn’t sound surprised.

‘Yes.’

‘I’m happy one of you picked up. The whole team just got called to the principal's office, but they couldn’t give us any information. They just said that we were dismissed from our classes and that we had to come to the hospital right away. Takeda-sensei is even driving us now. Are you alright? What happened?’

‘They are going to kill him,’ Hinata said so abruptly, that the other side immediately fell quiet. The only sound that Hinata could hear, was the sound of a driving car and occasionally another car passing by.

He hadn’t meant to be so reckless in choosing his words. There were literally tons of ways to be more careful, yet he was aware of the fact that he was not able to think straight anymore. His mind and body had a will of their own and acted without thinking.

‘Sorry,’ he said when a few silent seconds had passed by and Sugawara had given no intention to give a reaction to the news. ‘I didn’t mean to drop it on you like this. I just heard it myself and it’s… I don’t know, it’s hard to believe that they are going to stop the machines.’

‘Are you alone right now?’ This was Daichi-san asking, which made Hinata think that he had probably been on speaker the whole time. He could slam himself in the face right now.

‘No, I’m with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima’s family.’

‘That’s good. Stay with them, okay? You shouldn’t be alone right now.’

‘Yes, sir.’

‘We’re on our way. Stay strong, Hinata.’

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Hinata received confirmation that the Karasuno volleyball team had arrived at the hospital, so he gave Yamaguchi his phone back and made his way to the waiting room. He trusted Tsukishima’s family to take good care of Yamaguchi, but he still wasn’t motivated to leave. The walk through the halls felt like walking a wire between two sort of steady pieces of land. He had to be really careful and find his balance not to be devoured by his thoughts and feelings, which waited for him down below in the abyss. Too afraid to look down, Hinata focused his gaze forward and he forced himself to take deep breaths since he knew this was the only way to keep moving forward.

Yachi was the first one to notice him. Immediately and with a shout of his name, she ran towards him and she took him in a tight embrace. Then the other members started coming as well and within seconds, the whole team was engaged in a big group hug. Even Kageyama, who had only recently started to discover the value of encouraging physical contact, was one of the first ones to arrive at his side.

Hinata could not have wished for a better way of meeting his friends. He had been quite scared of them looking at him all teary-eyed as if they were expecting him to cry as well, but now the ice had been broken by just a simple hug.

Well, it wasn’t that simple. They stood like this for minutes without saying anything and just holding on to each other. Maybe it was because nobody knew the right words or maybe they were all a bit scared to be the first one to break the circle, but all Hinata cared about was their connection. No match had ever emphasized the importance of that feeling like this. It was different than helping each other towards a common goal, towards victory. The goal was not to climb higher; it was to keep each other on the same level, so no one else would follow Tsukishima down the line, and the only way to do this, was to hold on tight.

Eventually, it was coach Ukai who broke the silence. He and Takeda-sensei had been watching them at a distance and he cleared his throat to announce himself.

After that, the volleyball team slowly started to unwind, although Hinata noticed that all of them kept standing very close to each other.

Coach Ukai had asked Hinata to lead the way to Tsukishima’s room, where he, Takeda-sensei and Tsukishima’s parents decided what to do next. When their teacher and coach finally came back, they told them that it would be best to go in little groups of two or three to say goodbye to their fellow teammate. Tsukishima’s family, including Yamaguchi, were now with them and it eased Hinata to see that the whole team was so supportive. Kinoshita, who, as a fellow pinch server, was also very good friends with Yamaguchi, took the first watch and led the way to a bench. Narita and Ennoshita had gotten them all something to drink and even though Hinata knew that Yamaguchi was absolutely not in the mood to consume anything, he was glad to see that he indeed sipped some tea.

Apparently, coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei had already paid their respects, so Daichi and Sugawara had been the first of them to go up to Tsukishima’s room, followed by Asahi and Nishinoya. The latter really took their time and it wasn’t until they came back, that Hinata understood why: Asahi-san was bawling his eyes out. Nishinoya-senpai gently patted his back and mumbled inaudible words, which made it hard for Hinata to fight back his tears. Asahi-san was way more sensitive than any other member of the team, but for Nishinoya to be so soft and caring, was something new for everyone. Normally he would scream at Asahi to man up and show everyone the wild third-year ace of Karasuno, he would smack him when he thought Asahi-san was insecure for simply no reason and he would laugh and cheer louder than anyone else when his friend made an incredible back-attack. For as far as Hinata knew, the two had always been very close friends, despite their characters being the complete opposites of each other. He had always thought that Asahi-san just liked someone to have complete confidence in him when he could not have it himself, but to see Nishinoya so calm and serious towards him, showed that their friendship ran way deeper than that.

‘Asahi, are you okay?’ Sugawara asked, but since his fellow third-year could barely speak through his tears, Nishinoya just raised his hand and he forced Asahi to sit on one of the chairs a bit further from the group. While Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita took off, Hinata looked at the two.

They reminded him a bit of some characters he had seen in a movie, a Timon comforting a Pumba, although he did not know exactly why. It was probably not the right time to think of that anyway.

The rest of them weren’t doing much better either. Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei were softly speaking to Tsukishima’s parents, Sugawara was resting his head on Daichi’s shoulder, both staring absentmindedly into space, and Kiyoko was comforting Yachi, who was softly sobbing. Kageyama looked like he had no idea what to do, Hinata could tell by the way he was biting the corner of his lip. It was probably very weird for him to experience something so…radical, when a year ago, they hadn’t even known each other. Well, of course, he and Kageyama had their first match together in middle school, but he only started to become a decent King at Karasuno. Besides, Kageyama could deny it all he wanted, that didn’t change the fact that Tsukishima was a part of the team that had made this whole development possible and that must count for something.

‘Hinata.’

Yamaguchi got up from his seat between Tanaka and Kageyama and sat down next to him, after which Hinata tore his eyes from Nishinoya-senpai and Asahi-san.

‘Thank you for sticking with me today. I don’t think I would have made it through without you.’

‘You would’ve,’ Hinata said determinedly. He produced a faint smile. ‘But I’m glad that at least someone thinks I’ve been of any help. I couldn’t help but feel really useless the whole time.’

‘I get what you mean.’ Yamaguchi let out a soft sigh, and he pulled up one knee so that he could rest his head on it. ‘It’s really frustrating that there is literally nothing that we can do to help.’

Hinata nodded slowly.

‘It doesn’t seem possible that it’s only been a day.’

‘I want to see him, one last time. I want him to wake up, look me in the eyes, and tell me to shut up. He has to know that I forgive him. I want him to be here and I know it sounds stupid, but I want him to hold me.’

Hinata’s mouth felt dry, too dry. He pulled Yamaguchi closer and tried to swallow.

‘It’s not stupid. I think in some way, we all want that.’

‘Tsukki would have never believed it if I told him about this, about everyone being so concerned with him. It’s really sad that he’s not able to see it. He can be quite insecure from time to time.’

Fiercely, Yamaguchi rubbed his eyes and let out a small groan.

‘Ugh, I’m so sick of crying. I feel like it’s all I do. Tsukki would have found it so lame.’

‘Hey,’ Hinata said surprised. ‘he’s the lame one for never showing his feelings. No one expects you, or anyone really, to be a stone right now.’

Yamaguchi smiled.

‘I know, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing. I just think it would be quite funny to see Tsukki’s reaction right now. Do you remember how he looked when Kageyama first asked him how he could give him the right toss? His expressions always made me laugh.’

Shaking his head, Hinata snorted.

‘That’s true. Or when Tanaka and Nishinoya-san jumped at him during the game against Aoba Johsai? I really wished I had my phone at that moment, his whole pose was just golden. Kind of reminded me of the time I shook his hand after our 3-on-3 at the start of the year, but then ten times funnier.’

‘Hinata?’

Sounding a lot smaller in an instant, Yamaguchi sniffled and when Hinata looked at him, he saw his lip trembling.

‘Do you want to go together? I don’t think there is anyone else who I’d rather have by my side.’

‘D-don’t you want to be alone with him then?’ Hinata asked, a bit shocked since he hadn’t expected this question. It actually had been his intention to with Kageyama and Yachi, just so Yamaguchi could have his privacy in the last moments with his best friend.

Yamaguchi silently shook his head.

‘I don’t even think I’ll be able to walk over there alone, knowing it will be…the last time.’

Quickly, Hinata pulled Yamaguchi into a hug and so they waited until it was their turn.


	22. Chapter 22

They watched as Tanaka and Kiyoko left. The three second-years took their seats and even though there were no other people than the volleyball team in the waiting room, they all just sat in silence, each and every one individually processing what was going to happen.

At some point in time, Tsukishima’s parents left to sign the papers, which made Akiteru look very lost now that he didn’t have some conversation to distract himself with. There were enough empty seats for him not to be sitting alone, but apparently, he’d rather kept to himself. Since his own emotions were already enough for him to focus on, Hinata didn’t want to imagine what he must be feeling. Although, sadly, a lot of it was already written on his face.

When eventually Kageyama and Yachi walked back into the waiting room, Hinata knew it was their turn, so he got up and carefully took Yamaguchi’s hand.

‘Please, don’t let go,’ Yamaguchi whispered, while they walked towards Tsukishima’s room, watched by literally every former and current Karasuno member in the waiting room.

At this, Hinata could feel his stomach turn and he squeezed Yamaguchi’s hand.

‘I’m here.’

At their arrival, he had to give Yamaguchi a little push to go inside. However, once he had closed the door behind them, he saw that Yamaguchi was already walking over to the bed as if he was drawn by an invisible rope that had bounded him together with Tsukishima for the main part of their lives.

The machines were still beeping, yet significantly slower than the last time Hinata had visited the room. Tsukishima himself looked paler as well, even though Hinata had not thought that was physically possible. It was almost like he blended with the white sheets. It was awful, however, at the same time, he did seem a bit calmer. Though, Hinata had no idea if that was a good sign.

Slowly, Yamaguchi let his fingers intertwine with Tsukishima’s, and with the other hand, he grabbed a stool.

‘You know,’ he started, his voice a whisper and a bit squeaking. ‘I’ve thought a lot about this the past few hours, but nothing really seems right.’

Hinata was unsure of what to do. He really felt like an intruder once again, especially since Yamaguchi sounded as if his words were only meant for Tsukishima’s to hear. At the same time, he didn’t feel like leaving either. Yamaguchi had asked him to come, so the least he could do was to stay for him. 

Although the sight of Yamaguchi’s thumb gently stroking Tsukishima’s bruised knuckles, made this way too challenging.

‘I mean, how can I choose which words will be the last, while there is still so much that I want to say to you? I don’t want to choose. I want to talk to you about the ocean, books and trees. I want to joke around and laugh with you. I want to watch your favourite movies with you. I want to praise and inspire you, ask questions that somehow you always found weird and yet amusing. Hell, I even want to fight with you and tell you to shut up when you are being a dick.’

Through his tears, Yamaguchi produced a faint smile.

‘I never thought it would come to this, not in this way; me being the one saying goodbye to you. It sounds stupid, I know, but I never really understood what kept you by my side, why someone so cool could be friends with someone like me.

I think I understand now.’

With a small sob, Yamaguchi took Tsukishima’s broken glasses from the nightstand, and carefully, he put them on Tsukishima’s nose. Then he slowly bent over, so their faces were very close and he could gently brush his fingers through Tsukishima’s hair.

Tsukishima himself was just laying there, his face somewhat relaxed and, Hinata liked to believe, with his ear pricked up to what Yamaguchi had to say.

‘You were, by far, the best friend I could ever wish for. And I know that you don’t like these kinds of titles, that you feel pressured to live up to them, but whatever you do, nothing is ever going to change that. I don’t think you’re selfish and I understand why you made the choice that you did. Just because your words were poorly chosen, does not mean that you are a bad person.

You could never be a bad person because you are, and always will be, my hero. Not because I see you as some kind of saviour…’ Yamaguchi’s lips started trembling and he had to take a few big breaths before actually being able to continue.

‘You’re my hero because I love you.’

Hinata’s body reacted on its own. He walked over to Yamaguchi and he grabbed one of his shoulders to let him know that he was not alone and that he could get through this. Tears started to form in his own eyes as well. This moment was just complete torture.

‘And I don’t want you to be scared, okay?’ Yamaguchi continued, now with his nose running and his grip on Tsukishima’s hand tightening. ‘I’m going to be here with you every step of the way and I will never let go.’

He planted a soft kiss on Tsukishima’s fingers and started sobbing so loudly, that Hinata felt compelled to freeze. His fingers wouldn’t move, his legs wouldn’t run and his mouth wouldn’t talk.

So he just stood there, with one hand resting on Yamaguchi’s shoulder, the other one hanging limply beside him. His strength had disappeared.

He was nothing but an empty shell.

* * *

The moment Tsukishima’s family opened the door, came way too fast. Two doctors marched in as well, both looking like this was still a day like any other, and this frustrated Hinata so much, that he had to take a seat outside of the room. He couldn’t stand their faces or the way they were talking about how to get rid of all the tubes and machines. Luckily, Yamaguchi was too busy with Tsukishima and once Akiteru noticed that Hinata would rather not stay, he gave him a slight nod and took the care of Yamaguchi upon himself.

With his fingers intertwined, Hinata numbly listened to the monotonous beeps that he wished would never end. He’d rather sit in this miserable chair for the rest of his life than to hear the silence kicking its way into his ears and bringing the confirmation of the loss of his fellow middle-blocker.

It was hurting already, even though Tsukishima was still breathing. Flashbacks of the past weeks popped into his mind and he realised he had become quite dependent on the feeling that Tsukishima had always been there to drag his ass to practice. Despite their fall out not two days ago, that feeling hadn’t changed. Even when he had told him to piss off, Hinata had kind of expected him to find a different way to push him through his fear.

Because that had been all Tsukishima had been trying to do from the moment he had found out; trying to make him see that there was nothing to be afraid of…

Then why did he feel so afraid right now?

He couldn’t do anything to change the situation. Tsukishima was going to die and no one was able to stop that from happening. Was he afraid of being alone again?

Yes,

But,

No, it was something different that made it hard for him to keep his shaking hands under control, something that clawed its nails into his heart and made it hurt worse than anything had ever done before. It was something worse than sadness, he realised.

It was regret.

Regret that they had never been able to talk this all out. Regret that, yet again, he had let his fear decide his actions and that therefore, he had never asked him why. Tsukishima had not chosen the right words to convince him, but still, the decision to tell others had always been his own. Even knowing what he did and that he needed help, had not been a reason for Tsukishima to take this authority from him.

And now, all opportunities to thank him had been lost. Never again, would he be able to show his gratitude for this and he would be forced to live with the thought that the last words he said to him told him to piss off.

He couldn’t do it.

He wanted to get up and run as far away as possible, so at least a part of him would be able to pretend that nothing of this had even happened in the first place. Now, however, the sounds of the machines kept reminding him of the reality. Of the fact that, once they stopped, it would all be over. A string of life would be cut and the small flame that had held his hope that this would not be the end would extinguish.

This was Hinata’s first time being present at the exact moment someone’s heart stopped working, but despite that, he was unnerved by the way that it all went down against his expectations.

There was no screaming. There were no loud cries out of hurt or anger and there wasn’t someone picking a fight with the doctor for making this impossible decision.

There was only silence.

A silence with a volume so great, that Hinata could feel it resonating within himself. His body tensed up, his fists grasped the seat beneath him and he squeezed it with all the power his arms could gather. The air in the room had disappeared and he bit so hard on his tongue, that tears started flowing over his cheeks.

It wasn’t fair.

They were not done yet, because this was not the way their story was supposed to end.

Under his breath, Hinata cursed at himself. He should have taken the chance when he still could when Tsukishima was still there to look at him with his expressionless face or even just in disgust. Disgust, anger, annoyance, whatever, it didn’t matter to him, if only he was there. Everything would be better than this realisation of an empty body laying in the room behind him and Tsukishima leaving them without even a word of goodbye. 

It wasn’t fucking fair.


	23. Three weeks later

After Tsukishima’s funeral, Hinata lost all sense of time.

He lost his concentration in even the smallest of tasks and nothing seemed important enough to try to get it back again. For the most part of the day, he would lay on his bed, listening to the sounds outside without actually processing what was happening. Nothing seemed to stick to his mind anymore. Thoughts slipped away just as quick as they had come, which didn’t give him enough time to form some kind of opinion or feeling about it. He was hearing without listening, and he was looking, without actually seeing. During the day he went to school, sat through his lessons, then went home again to continue passing time like this. 

He hadn’t spoken to his friends in days, maybe even weeks. Of course, practice had been cancelled right after it had happened, but he didn’t really have the intention of returning to that gym either way. He even thought about quitting volleyball altogether.

It wasn’t like he could ever play in a match and with Tsukishima gone, they were incomplete anyway. Nothing was going to fix that missing cod in their previously well-oiled system. Maybe Tsukishima’s death had provided him with the right opportunity to say farewell to his volleyball days, without the team blaming him for being unreasonable. 

Still, he found it selfish to think this way, so until now, his solution had been to just ignore everyone and everything. Not once had he made the effort to reach out to them and he was glad that, at least for a while, they had followed his example.

However, over time, he started to receive messages mostly from Sugawara, Daichi, and Yamaguchi. At first, they were carefully asking how he was doing and if maybe he wanted to swing by the gym to just spend some time with everyone. When they realised he was intentionally ignoring them, they started giving him updates and the times at which practice started and they even tried to call him a few times, though Hinata never found the courage to pick up. During lunchtime, he even raced to the bathroom to avoid anyone who wanted to force him into a conversation. 

He didn’t know how he was doing. It didn’t hurt as much as it had done when he had walked into Tsukishima’s hospital room for one last time or when he found Akiteru crying in the bathroom at the crematorium. For days the image of the flames dancing around the casket popped up in his mind whenever he stumbled upon anything that reminded him of everything that had happened, and even now, he didn’t think he would ever get used to it.

Right now the pain was as good as gone.

Hinata didn’t know if he was really over it or if he had repressed it all, but honestly, he couldn’t care less. He was getting through the day and that was all that mattered.

Besides, being this numb, was always better than feeling like something was eating him from the inside out. Every time someone had so much as looked at him, he had felt the stinging of reality and regret. Their pitiful gazes kept reminding him of his cowardice, of his inability to take control over his life. If all, Tsukishima’s accident, had shown him that it could be over any second and that there wasn’t always time for things to work out on their own. And yet, at times when he was all by himself, he could still feel his fear grabbing him, pulling him towards the ground, and he would realise that all of this had been for nothing. He hadn’t changed a bit. No matter his frustration about it, he was still the scared, weak, little first year with too many problems for anyone to be able to help him.

He was even worse than before, because now he actually knew how it felt to have someone who knew. Earlier, he could have fantasised about how people were always able to help when he would decide to reach out, but now he knew that he had to do this on his own.

Whatever his goal in life or maybe just in recovery was, he was the only one capable of achieving it.

When the bell rang, Hinata got up as quickly as possible and with his bag over his shoulder, he ran towards the door. However, he halted, when he almost bumped into Yamaguchi, who was leaning against one of the lockers just outside of the classroom. Knowing that there was no way to get himself out of this confrontation, Hinata felt his cheeks burn up.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ Yamaguchi said slowly. He had crossed his arms and he didn’t smile, though he didn’t sound angry either. This made Hinata doubtfully shift his gaze from the ground towards something a bit more eye-level.

‘Can we talk?’

Silently, Hinata nodded, after which he followed Yamaguchi to a more private place. Since a lot of students had decided to enjoy their break outside, they eventually ended up in their own clubroom and Hinata was actually kind of content with this. At least now they could lock the door, so no one would accidentally interrupt them.

Yamaguchi was the last one to walk in and after he had closed the door, he sat down opposite from the bench where Hinata had taken place. He actually looked like he was doing quite okay. There were no bags under his eyes and he even had a healthy colour on his cheeks. The broken crow from weeks ago seemed to have healed.

‘Don’t quit,’ he started determinedly. His face was serious and even a bit fired up. It reminded Hinata of the moments that he was switched in as a pinch server and he had all the concentration in the world to make a no-touch ace.

‘We need you.’

‘You need Tsukishima.’

‘So you were actually planning on quitting volleyball?’ Yamaguchi raised his eyebrows at him, which made Hinata feel like he was brought in for questioning. How had this turned into a police interrogation so all of the sudden?

‘I don’t know, maybe,’ Hinata said, a bit frustrated.

‘But why? You’re Karasuno’s greatest decoy. Especially because Tsukki is gone, we can’t lose you too.’

It surprised Hinata how easily Yamaguchi had said Tsukishima’s name. Maybe it was weird to think, but somehow he had expected him to be way less okay with it all. Even without knowing exactly how many days it had been since the funeral, Hinata knew it hadn’t been that much time to get over that feeling of grief.

Appearing fine was maybe not just a façade.

‘How are you doing?’ he asked since he felt Yamaguchi waiting for him to say something. ‘Really, I mean, not the crap that you would tell to some aunt that you never see.’

‘Are you just deliberately changing the topic so we don’t have to talk about you?’

‘Yes.’

At this, a smile appeared on Yamaguchi’s face and shortly he shook his head. Then he looked at his fingers and he sighed.

‘You’re right, I get asked that question many times, even now, and answering it doesn’t really seem to get any easier. I don’t know; how should I be doing? I’m getting out of bed in the morning, I have an appetite and my sleeping schedule probably has never been this great.

But yeah, I miss him. A lot.’

He bit his lip for a second before he continued.

‘Sometimes I forget that I don’t have to wait for him on my way to school. Then I keep standing at the corner of our streets, just out of habit I guess. I keep listening to the messages he sent and I have to repress my anger when another student takes a seat at his desk. But there are a lot of people who help me through it and my therapist says that this is quite normal when everything is still so fresh, so yeah, I think I’ll be okay. Just taking it easy now.’

‘You go to a therapist?’ Hinata couldn’t help but ask. He hoped he didn’t sound too pushing, though Yamaguchi just nodded as if it was the most normal question in the world.

‘For almost a year now. I actually have a lot of social-anxiety problems.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes. Well, it has gotten better since I had someone to talk to about it, but yeah, I absolutely despise crowds.’

Again, Hinata felt himself blushing.

‘I’m really sorry I didn’t know. I should have been there for you.’

‘It’s okay,’ Yamaguchi quickly said. ‘Since I thought no one would understand what I was going through, I didn’t want anyone else to know anyway.’

A bit awkwardly, Hinata stared at the ground. Despite Yamaguchi’s words, he felt guilty for not noticing. Maybe he did not know exactly how it felt to be put in his shoes, but with his own problems, he figured he could at least imagine how it would be. Yet, he had been so focused on himself, that he’d completely forgotten that others had their problems too. Some just had bigger ones than others, but of course he was not the only one who was struggling. Of course there were people going through the same thing as he was.

Damn, he was so selfish.

‘So,’ Yamaguchi said with a faint smile. ‘now that I gave you an answer, can you give me one as well? Why do you want to quit? Is it because of Tsukki?’

Hinata felt his pulse rising. He examined Yamaguchi’s expression, which was kind and warm-hearted like always, and his thoughts started to race through his mind. Wait, was he really considering this? Why would he be telling the truth now? It wasn’t like he was forced into a critical situation. He could lie and change the topic or, in the worst case, he could even just walk out and turn his back on the whole volleyball team right away.

However, he knew that that was not what he wanted to do. He didn’t want to lie again and he didn’t want to quit volleyball.

His grip on the bench tightened.

What the hell was he thinking? He shouldn’t even be considering this. Even if, by the slightest chance, the team would be okay with it, there were always the other teams. Instead of talking about the unbelievable speed and reflexes of that number 10 from Karasuno, they would be talking about that weird number 10 with the scars. Maybe they would even think that he’d wanted to end his life. The reasons they would come up with would be ridiculous. What if they saw it as some ‘Romeo and Juliet’ story at Karasuno? After the tragic death of Tsukishima, the other first-year middle blocker wanted to end his life as well.

He didn’t want people to think he was in a secret relationship with Tsukishima. That would be completely stupid.

No one would ever understand. 

He was alone in this, like he had already figured out, and he should keep doing this by himself. There was no point in bothering people again because no one could actually make it better.

‘Hinata?’

Without hesitation, Hinata cut off his string of thoughts and he snapped back to the clubroom once again. He looked right in Yamaguchi’s eyes, of which the owner was now kneeling in front of him and looking at him like his head had just exploded.

Hinata hadn’t even noticed him coming any closer.

‘I don’t want to quit volleyball,’ he said with a voice that was barely more than a whisper. He had tried to sound normal, but his throat had not allowed this.

Yamaguchi slowly nodded.

‘Okay, that’s actually quite a relief. Do you want to tell me what else made you consider quitting?’

‘I-’

_He couldn’t do it._

_He had to stop now that he could still go back._

_This was his last chance._

‘I-I’m scared of what you all would say.’

‘If we would say what?’ Yamaguchi took his trembling hand and thereby forced him to look at him.

‘Hinata, if there is anything that this whole tragedy has proven, it’s that everyone on our team is family. We’re all family and we will always be there for each other. I don’t think that there is anything that you can say or do, that will make me think otherwise. I don’t want to force you to say something you’d rather keep to yourself, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. We all are.’

‘Even if I told you that I have scars?’

_That was it._

_He’d said it now._

_Why did he never listen to himself?_

‘What?’

Yamaguchi looked surprised, however, he did not let go of Hinata’s hand. If all, he actually held on tighter. Hinata didn’t know if he imagined it, but Yamaguchi really didn’t seem to mind his cold-sweated hands.

‘It’s the reason why I kept on my sweater during practice,’ he softly explained. ‘I wasn’t cold and I was never sick. I didn’t want any of you to know what I was doing to myself.’

It was quiet for a few seconds. Yamaguchi seemed to have gotten lost in his thoughts because when Hinata looked at him, it was as if he was staring right through him.

Hinata didn’t think this could be a good sign.

However, against all his expectations, he didn’t regret opening up. Yamaguchi may start to hate him now, think he’s a freak, or even start to try to convince him why he shouldn’t hurt himself, but maybe that was worth it. At least now he wasn’t pretending to be someone he wasn’t and actually, that felt pretty good. Whatever happened now, was out of his hands and in those of Yamaguchi.

Of course, he would really hate it if their friendship would end because of this, but maybe that would mean that their friendship wasn’t as strong as he believed it had been. That would definitely hurt, probably more than he could imagine at this point.

Still, he could finally say that he had stopped running.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out like that,’ Yamaguchi finally said and he sat down next to Hinata on the bench. ‘I want to thank you for telling me. It couldn’t have been easy.’

‘You have no idea,’ Hinata said, without actually looking at his friend. ‘I don’t even understand how I did it.’

‘Actually, I do.’

Now it was Hinata’s turn to be surprised.

Yamaguchi smiled faintly.

‘I started at some point before therapy when things were really bad. It was at the start of high school when I almost didn’t know anyone and I needed a distraction from my fears. I’m not proud of it, but yeah, at that point, it helped me on short notice.’

‘But I’ve never-’

‘Because they’re not on my arms. I knew I wanted to play volleyball, so I needed a place no one would see. Eventually, I settled on my feet.’

Hinata frowned.

‘What about the moments we had to get changed? Or when we were at training camp and it was the first years' turn to use the bathroom?’

‘We’ve never actually shared a bathroom together.’

Yamaguchi sighed.

‘But yes, it was kind of inevitable that at some point, someone would find out, especially when you’re friends with Tsukki. He found out quite early in the year because he thought that I was acting strange. So when he asked me about it, I decided to tell him. I’ve never been good at keeping secrets from him anyway.’

‘I’m not either,’ Hinata said, which made Yamaguchi look at him with interest.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Tsukishima found out my secret as well. It was a few weeks before his accident. We didn’t really talk about it much, but he forced me to continue practice and he distracted me on one night when things were pretty bad. However, then we got into a fight.’

‘Was that the day before it happened?’

Hinata nodded.

‘He told me I was stupid and a coward for not choosing to recover. It was pretty intense.’

‘It must have brought up some bad memories for him. Tsukki and I ended up having a discussion as well. Before that, we were both under the illusion that he was helping me to stop hurting myself. He set goals for me and he always tried to convince me that none of it was my fault. That was actually pretty nice, but even then I could notice that he’d rather not have the responsibility of my well-being. So when eventually we had that discussion, I pushed him away and I have never spoken to him about it again. Although, he knew a few of my weak spots and when those occurred, he was still there for me. At those moments, he came up with some weird reasons for why he came over, even though we probably both knew the real reason.’

‘But what made you eventually go see a therapist?’ Hinata asked. It was weird for him to hear that Yamaguchi almost had the same experience as him in their contact with Tsukishima. Unlike Yamaguchi, though, he didn’t see himself going to a therapist in the near future and he really wondered what it was that had convinced Yamaguchi to go. He knew he needed professional help, but to actually seek it, felt like way too big of a step.

‘Because I knew he was right,’ Yamaguchi smiled. ‘It took me some time, but I thought a lot about our conversations and at some point, I realised that I wasn’t able to beat this without a professional. I’ve had these problems with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m even starting to recognise its features in my thinking from when I was a child. It’s rooted so deep in me, that I had no idea how to change that. I had tried changing in the past and it didn’t work, so I had two choices; either I could continue this on my own without exactly knowing where to start, or I could ask someone else for help.’

‘I’m scared to.’

Hinata crossed his arms and took a big breath before continuing.

‘Even after Tsukishima found out, I wasn’t able to force myself to talk to him.’

‘As if you’re being choked by your own secret, right?’

‘Yes, exactly.’

Carefully, Yamaguchi placed his arm around Hinata’s shoulder, so they could both lean against the wall behind them. Strange enough, Hinata found that this calmed down his nerves a bit and he felt that his body slowly stopped shaking.

After all the hugs that he had given Yamaguchi and his other teammates, he had forgotten how it felt to be hugged by someone other than his mother. It was actually quite nice.

‘I’m sorry, I won’t be able to do anything about that. However, I do want you to know that you deserve to heal and to be healthy. It sounds a bit stupid, I know, and I’m not really one to talk, but I think that it’s something that easily gets forgotten, especially with a mind that keeps making us insecure. Besides, you don’t have to tell everyone right away. I kept my situation a secret to most of you, even after months of therapy. I’m not ashamed; I just don’t think it’s anyone’s business apart from my own.’

‘But I do have to tell them,’ Hinata said with a crack in his voice. ‘If I want to keep playing volleyball, everyone will find out.’

‘Then it’s still your choice if you want to tell the team all at once or if you want to start slow. Don’t expect yourself to be able to climb a mountain in one step. No one can.

There is even arm wear that you can wear during games if you don’t want anyone from the other teams to know. I know it can be a bit strange since you’re not a libero, but I think that, once the team knows, everyone will have your back. No matter what, because we’re all family.’

‘Yams?’

He looked up at Yamaguchi, who met his eyes and gave a soft ‘hm’ to let him know that he listened.

Hinata didn’t know where he got the courage from, but for him, one thing was clear: if he crawled back now, he would probably never start opening up again. He wanted to be part of a team and he wanted to play volleyball. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were right, he couldn’t let his disease keep him from living.

He had to be stronger than his fear.

‘Can I come with you to practice this afternoon?’

‘You sure you want to do it now? I don’t want to force you in making hasty decisions.’

With more determination than necessary, Hinata nodded wildly.

This made Yamaguchi smile, which made Hinata’s mouth curl up as well.

‘Then I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

‘Thank you.’


	24. Epilogue

‘Hi, Yams? I guess this means you’re still at practice. Knowing the captain, you probably are.

I just… wanted to talk with you, if that’s alright. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I need to tell you that I am sorry for everything I said to you that day. I was selfish and a coward and, as you would say, a big dick.

You didn’t deserve that…

and you definitely don’t deserve me. But, if you are okay with that, I’d like a second chance. I need a second chance.

Please.

I promise I won’t run away again.

I’ll be there for you, whenever you need me and you can talk to me about everything you want. I’m sorry you had to hide from me all this time. I promise I’ll do better and I won’t let you down again.

Saying this over the phone is much easier than in person, but if you’re hearing this before I have arrived, don’t leave yet. I’m coming to get you and then you can either tell me to piss off or we can talk this all out. Your choice.

Please wait for me. I’ll run as fast as I can.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooowwwwwww, I can't believe I finished... It feels like I've just been in labour XD   
> No, but it's weird. I never planned for this story to be this long. 24 chapters wow haha. If you made it to the end, I want to thank you for your commitment. I really hope you enjoyed it and maybe even see the message in it. I know that me just telling you, won't suddenly convince you to open up. I wouldn't be convinced either, because I need to hear it at least 100000 times before starting to consider that it is actually something that I can take into my own hands. However, if I can be that one time in those 100000 times and bring you one step closer, I'm more than satisfied. Because we really shouldn't be letting fear decide our lives- it's something that I'm only starting to believe right now, but I think you can as well.  
> Because you're wonderful, whatever other people might say and if you struggle with problems as those of Hinata/Yamaguchi in this story, or if it's something else, I know you're strong enough to overcome them. And talking actually does make it easier. Maybe not at first, but over time, it will. Please take it from someone with experience haha.
> 
> Okay, I'll shut up now. Have a nice day and leave a comment if you like. I love reading them :D  
> THANK YOU!!!! <3


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